merry day of Jesus' birth

^the best way to spend christmas...with the best friends I could have.

it's that time again

If I gave christmas letters than I would put this picture to describe my christmas.

merry christmas

Playlist: Joni Mitchell and The Shins.

I spent the day with M and N. They are kindreds.

N is M's new b-friend and I love them so much.

We spent the night sipping on wine and playing cards. And I am really glad they are with me. I feel very down. Not with them, obviously. They're bringing me up.

I think of Rory and I feel sad.

I think of community and how it has changed.

I think about Jesus and how I have dissapointed and how I have grown.

I think about Death Cab for Cutie because I will follow you into the dark just came on my shuffle.

Let's be real. I am angry at some people. I am surprised by some people.

Story: N, M and I are playing cards and listening to music and N plays a song that was not really congruent with the music that M and I had been playing (70s and now hippy and indie music)...Anyway, M and I started laughing hysterically. N felt really dissapointed and got sad because he thought we were rejecting him. N was super passive about the whole thing, but we knew something was wrong. Finally, I left the room, cause I knew that N would tell M what was wrong. He told her. Then she told me. Then we all talked about it. M and I apologized for being inconsiderate. N had a hard time forgiving us, because he said usually he was in the wrong. We continued to have a really good night.

That is community. Sharing the uncomfortable stuff. It's interesting to me that I have friends who are physically near to me, who haven't bothered to contact me. That's cool.

The "real" friends, I am learning, are the ones who are around.

In presence. In heart.

Perhaps I have been neglectful to some people recently. It's my responsibility to offer my apology and my love through time.

I offer a thought.

I hate being neglected. It hurts me, deeply. So I need to remember to not to neglect the people I love. I need to remember not to hate those who neglect me. Even though it hurts. Tears drop for the ones whom I wish cared. Gd can worry about them.

Jesus was "born" today. What was Jesus about? He was about love and forgiveness. He was about going to the hurting and the needy and healing them and fulfilling those needs. Sometimes it looked like giving a blind person his sight. Sometimes it looked like overturning the Temple and giving it back to an original place. Other times it looked like providing rest.

I support that.

I am still angry. I am still surprised. I still chose to look to a better example than myself for loving the environment.

i'm home.

since I've been in San Diego:

Wednesday was Rory's day. I spent the morning with Lauren R. Then had coffee with Charlotte. We met at my Starbucks. Then we went to the Church and spent time with Jeremy, Kim, Daniel and Kyle. Then dinner with some people. Advent. Then Lauren, Nathan and hookah. I was overwhelmed.

Thursday I got my sixth tattoo with Michael.We visited Lauren. It was just good. Then I had coffee with Allison. Then Hanukkah dinner with my family, the Eritreans and the Crespins. It was good.

Friday was college group. It was Natalie and Christopher day. Beach. Then DSPS white elephant Christmas party. That was stressful, but also home. Everyone looks great. Finished the night out with more of Nat and Toph.

Saturday went shopping with Ema. My parents are so kind and gave me amazing gifts this year. Aaron Kasdan graduated, with a BA in Biblical Studies from Biola (suma cum laude)... I am so proud of him. Aaron is a special friend. It was really good to see some of the messianic family.

Listening to Paul Simon's Soft Parachutes.

old things

at this very moment I am procrastinating from two papers and studying for a test that will be held tomorrow 8am. i am also reading old posts, posts that I wrote before I moved to san francisco. it's been four months since i have spent any decent time in san diego. i wonder what will happen on wednesday.

lauren is picking me up from the airport. i want to cry when i see her.

wednesday is the day of rory's death. it's been a year.

i am not sure if i will cry that day.

i KNOW that i will feel overwhelmed.

this semester has been the hardest of my life, i think. i don't know. i just know that i feel very distanced from myself. like i am on autopilot.

i had so many expectations for san francisco. a lot of them came true. which is a good thing, i think. but most of them i would say turned out very different. some are very lachrymose. others are friendships. some are stressful. others are peace.

i am scared that i will go to san diego and either feel no emotion, or all of my homesickness will encapsulate everything and i won't want to leave it again.

no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.

Greg Laswell
"This Woman's Work"

I dig his music.

Good night, wind and rain, don't come back tomorrow, cause I have to walk to church.

Picture for the mood I'm in:

it's raining

A few days ago, I made a mix of my favorite coffee shop people. I call certain musicians by that name because when I first started to develop my own music taste, all the people I was drawn to were performing in cafe's all over the world.

It's raining really hard today.

In the last twenty minutes, I probably gave myself a hernia. School administration is an incredible and incredibly terrible thing. I wanted to make sure that my 'change of major' had processed in the registrar's office. The lady behind the desk said that she didn't see it. When did it happen? A week ago.

She gave me Christopher's number. He is the 'guy' who deals with problems. I called him every half hour for two hours. Finally, he was in the office and picked up the phone.

"Hi, my name is Malka and I am a student here at SFSU. I tried to change my major a week ago, but the registrar's office says that it hasn't changed. My pre-reg is in an hour and I don't know what to do." -pause to hold back tears.
"It's okay Malka, we'll try to figure this out. Give me your student I.D. and I'll call you back, but I can't promise you anything."

Twenty minutes later he left a message (I was peeing) and it went something like this:
"umm...your message machine is awesome. Okay, I found your paperwork and went ahead and changed your major- so you are all set. Have a good weekend."

Having worked in the College system, I have an idea of who this guy is. The kind of paperwork he had to go through to find mine, the kind of people he works with. I am so thankful that he made my life better just now.

That was a tangent.

So my music playlist:
Joshua Radin
Greg Laswell
Ingrid Michaelson
William Fitzsimmons
Priscilla Ahn
Molly Jenson
Rosie Golan
...

It's dark and rainy outside. The music is perfect.
I feel really good.

a better day

I love when unplanned laughter occurs.

Last night, after I posted my last blog, my neighbors came to visit me in the lounge. Garrett is leaving soon. Casey's hair looks really good. Andrew was in a giggly mood. And then our RA, Erin, came by and we laughed and laughed until 2 in the morning.

Erin and I have gotten really close and I love it! She is so funny and so easy. You know that friend that is not phased by much? That is her.

Now, only a few more pages of my paper. When it's over I think I might sleep as a celebration.

life

I have been horrible for not posting in so long.

Changed my major! American History, here I come...(minor: Jewish studies)

Dinner with friends, played catch phrase (enter feelings of stupidity because I am not fast enough and lost more points than gained), got a card with the word: Noose. I skipped it and then got yelled at by teammates. I was not in the mood to explain to them that my friend died by hanging and I am really sensitive and sad about it. Especially because they already knew it and don't care enough to remember. Also his birthday was on Wed.

Writing a paper about Jewish law regarding marriage and divorce in Late Antiquity and the Middle Ages. It is a problem and I hate doing it. 6 more pages.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

my sister

My sister and I have lived a long time together. We always argue and we always laugh really hard. I love her. We don't believe in many of the same things, but we believe in love. Her voice to me is sweet and loving her has been one of the most beautiful things I could ever experience.

S

I am sitting on the floor in my living room, completely alone. There are about five or six people in my entire building. My roommates left for home for Thanksgiving this morning.

I have Judy Garland playing on the record player.

The sun is going down.

I just opened my email and got a message from an ex, S. It is the ninth or tenth in the thread of back and forth messages that have gone on over the last few months. He is getting married at the end of this week. S and I have been in and out of each others lives for the last three years and it is nice to catch up. I know what you might be thinking though: "Malka, not smart. You are talking with an EXboyfriend a few days before he gets married???"

Have no worries. They are innocent emails that go something like this:

me: can I have the cd with the song that you wrote for me?
S: sure. How is life?
me: it's good, I am living in SF. How are you? thanks S!
S: wow, I hadn't realized you moved! I am well, getting married.
me: shock.
S: yeah, and almost everyone else whom we were mutual friends with is also married or halfway there. Gd is good.
me: shock.
S: but you're sure your good? I am sorry for being a jerk.
me: yeah, you were pretty jerky. mazel tov.
S: thanks Malka, I knew I could count on you to understand. Gd is good.

It's funny how there has been SO much that has happened in my life: relationships, death, school, depression, joy, family stuff, friend stuff, etc... and I still go back to that stomach churning feeling whenever I see that I get a message from him. It;s not just S though. It's J, A, K, D and T. It's all the men that I love. All the men that I cannot have. All the men that Gd is not, as it appears, is not leading me too.

I burned so many hearts, and so many have burned mine, that I have lost the touch. I hear of people hearing a voice in them that says, "this is the person you're going to marry" and I hear that with every other guy who has a beard!

I just talked to a dear friend on the phone who is having her own boy depressions. Hers is more significant than mine, on a grand scale. But she gave a message of hope, I think she was telling it to herself as much as me, that instead of putting hope in men and guy's actions, our hope should rest in Yeshua. After all, I believe that he is in control and has my life known to him, so why not just relax and be honest and when things come up, just chill out and love.

If S taught me anything, it's that I need to be more careful with my trust.

I suppose that's not bad. I am grateful for him. I am also glad that I can say that I am still on good terms with everyone I have ever gotten to know deeply. S is one of those "deeps"...

and so it is...


^ S and me in a better time

a playlist

I've made some new friends and I have just finished making them a mix of songs that have either been with me a long time, or have touched my soul as of recent months.
Kyle and Christine are lovers of the same Gd and live just across a four foot "street" on campus. Besides Gd, they are lovers of laughter and joy. They give encouragement where it is needed. They are young in age, but not in spirit I am sure!

Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
A Rose for Emily by The Zombies
Missed the Boat by Modest Mouse
There is a Light that Never Goes Out by The Smiths
Vapour Trail by Ride
Pink Bullets by the Shins
People C'mon by Delta Spirit
Boy With the Arab Strap by Belle and Sebastian
Yoshima by the Flaming Lips
Angel Gabriel by Among the Oak and Ash
America by Simon and Garfunkel
Girl from the North Country by Bob Dylan
Go Places by the New Pornographers
Wildflowers by Tom Petty
The House of Gd Forever by Jon Foreman
Like A Prayer by Madonna

Music is so real.
I love listening to mixes like this on my ipod, when I am lying down somewhere that is quiet and vacant. This mix is an hour and five minutes. And I think it's worth at least that much to just lie there and fall into the sound and be free.

If you don't know these songs, you should listen to them- but ONLY if you really, truly listen to it. I am going to give Kyle and Christine one rule: the first time they listen to these tracks, they have to really listen and to it all in one sitting.

Shabbat Shalom!

baking tips

I made cookies yesterday for the Bible study I attend.



Actually, let me rewind to the third grade. My sister and I were attempting to make our first batch of cookies. We put the butter in a plastic bowl and then realized it had to be softened. We put the plastic bowl over the stove. Needless to say it caught on fire and we turned around just in time to...well I don't exactly remember what happened, but our house didn't burn down and we didn't finish making cookies.

Sixth grade my friend Emily and I were baking cookies while her mom took a nap. We forgot to add any sugar in and her mom got mad at us for wasting all the ingredients for nothing (the cookies were disgusting).

High School my sister and I were home alone one day- it was probably a Thursday because that's when our mom was at work and our brother with the neighbors- we decided to bake cookies, As The World Turns was on and it was midday. By the time we had everything ready, we hadn't yet preheated the oven. So we decided to screw it and just ate the cookie dough raw for the rest of our soap opera marathon.

So yesterday I am baking cookies with my Golden Spoon apron and my non-matching pans and bowls. Everything was going great, until I realized that the cookies (how can you NOT have a few cookies worth??) were rather sweet. I went back and read the directions and again and pieced my actions. I added 1 cup of brown sugar and 1 cup of granulated sugar. The directions say to use half a cup for both. oops.

My cookies taste good if you heat them in the toaster oven for about five minutes. They're flat and sweet. oh well. Maybe one day I will figure out how to make cookies, but until then it is an adventure perhaps.

catch up

so much time has passed!

I saw my generations teen pop idol's Hanson perform on the Quad at my school and was a few minutes late to my class because of it.

^Taylor Hanson

My roommates and I had a family meeting, then we had another family meeting with our RA, who has become a friend and nothing has changed. They are still inconsiderate, I am still lame and we are still a passive aggressive house.

I cut and died my hair.

I took and passed the JEPET exam. It is a silly English exam that you have to take when you are in upper division and 83% of students usually fail it. A huge weight off my shoulders.

I went on a spiritual retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ, or preferably known as City Cru. I made incredible connections with almost a dozen people. They are gems. Gd has been loud in giving me community when I most need it. It's amazing because we have such similar tastes in our humor, our music, our lives. We had four hours of silence and solitude on a furlough day on campus and it was beautiful.

^Nick, Kyle and Lewis

Last night, with one of the city cru girls, Kelly, we saw A Fine Frenzy, It was magnificent. I haven't been to a concert in such a long time and the time was refreshing. I think there should be a rule that musicians are not allowed to make eye contact with the audience. Because there are those 48 seconds that you're eyes are locked and he or she is singing a song to you and you fall in love. And the stomach love feeling stays with you for almost 24 hours and it's not fair.

^Ali from A Fine Frenzy

school is good. this month is crazy for me. I look forward to Seattle for Thanksgiving. It kind of freaks me out that I have less than a month of school left.
History, Jewish Studies: conflict is still on my mind.
My Charlotte is coming into town and I am ridiculously excited! We have plans to see Twelfth Night performed by the creative arts college in SFSU.
Until then:

Shabbat Shalom!

change of plan ?

I am so over my major.

Isn't this horrible? When does what I want and what I do intertwine? At least once a week I want to change my major or drop out of college.

ex: today during lecture, we were discussing Zionism and how it really came into fruition during the enlightenment period ie the French revolution. I noticed that my interest and attention peaked during the European history and when the lecture moved back towards Jews in eastern Europe I became extremely bored.

I know this is small and just one example of distraction, however I think this is a pointer to the fact that I am interested in history. Every history class I have ever taken has been a pleasure to take. I have always loved history. I love the art, I love the letters and the speeches, the wars and the peace. I love the conversations and the pictures, the boats and the castles, the marriages and deaths. I love it all.

I loved sign language, I loved women's studies, I even loved biology more than I am loving Jewish studies!!

What's going on????

I don't get it. I will finish my degree, but with what degree is the question.

I do not like this back and forth unsettling thought process.

I suppose I have the next topic for my shrink on Monday.

:)

missing faith family

I miss my home Church in san diego. If you have never belonged to a small church that has made a huge difference in the community is surrounds, then I am sorry. Because I have seen first hand how beautiful community can be.

I was just looking through the pictures of Trunk or Treat that went on today.
Every single face was familiar and had a story. I had a personal connection with everyone there and I miss that. And whats more, they were all working together. They, we, understand what goes into community is the grace that Gd provides; what comes out is the good that Gd has made. And I see that in them.

I am so jealous I wasn't there tonight. But I got to help out at the church I have been attending's little halloween thing for the kids. It was fun and I was able to meet some really good people. I am probably going to begin helping out with the youth group- I am SO excited about that. Finally, to make some friendships happen.

community is warmth.

the picture below is of my mentors, Kim and Daniel and their husband and wife and Kim's wonderful sister. They are so funny. I love everything about them.

sometimes it takes a friend

like Sarah. She is an angel. We met on Massah, the mission trip I was on summer of 2008. We've kept in constant touch through the last year and half and currently she is serving with Jews for Jesus and is in Thailand.
I just spent the last hour talking to her though instant messenger. She majored in counseling and is good at it. She always gets me to talk and she listens so well.
So I kvetched about all the problems in the world, which of course, have everything to do with me, me, me. She listened and said that I need to remember forgiveness. Just like admit I am wrong, but know I rest in the forgiveness of Gd. I too must care for my people as they are in the same Kingdom.
I love it. I am calm. Thanks Sarah.

drafts in faith

I can't tell you how many drafts I have written for the next blog.
I am either interrupted with the routines of life, or realize that what I am writing is too harsh for public domain.

I have been sleeping a lot. I got really sick last week, and although I had a four day weekend, I didn't really do anything. However- two favorites from back home drove up and we got to see each other for a day. Natalie and Christopher are beautiful. Really, truly wonderful. The conversations are always interesting and kind.


We saw "A Serious Man" by the Coen Brothers. Go see it.

Had a realization about grace the other day. Hebrews 12 says to Messianic Jews that they should live in peace with everyone, and make sure that no one misses the grace of Gd. That is a heavy call. It is a good call. And when i was complaining about a strict Professor to a friend on skype he said, sounds like your teacher needs to know grace.

Community. It's crucial. Everything about community wreaks honesty and Godliness. And that is why I am choosing to go on a two day retreat with some Christian friends (actually, I only know one of the leaders) instead of a retreat with some Messianic Jews.

The conclusions I am coming to about a certain part of my faith family are not good.

It's funny how certain people within a group can represent the group as a whole. I think it's wrong to generalize. I try not to judge something just because of one influence. That is being narrow minded. However when multiple people in a smallish group start behaving with similar inconsistencies, I believe that it's time for reevaluation. Reevaluation of how you perceive yourself. Figuring the influences you want, you need. In the last year alone I have been validly dissapointed by four different members in my community. To go beyond the confines of the community, to the people who say that they see the people in the community live wrong, and cause distaste for what they stand for. um, hello? Does anyone else see a problem??

It's almost funny because they don't even realize any of this. It would be news to them. I feel like I've been lied to. The entire life I lead has been shaped by people around me. By three different communities. And the one that is closest to my heart has made itself ugly. The Messianic community, where my identity is most solid has become the community that rejects and judges. Out of sight out of mind? I used to justify their actions. That is a pitiful excuse. I am ashamed for them. And I am hurt. Even people who are connected to our community, but do not follow grace have shown more kindness to me.

This is scattered, I know. I believe in Yeshua, they believe in Yeshua.
I cannot believe in Yeshua with them anymore. I won't cut ties with them completely, but I need to change my thoughts about how much I consider them. I cannot trust them anymore, I think. What does the makeup of my faith rely on? Who does it stand by? I have been looking into an internship within the Messianic community for when I graduate. I heard about a weekend next Spring of other Messianic Jewish young adults. I think I am going to begin to invest in others. I might pray for grace. But I have had ten years of grace with these people and they still choose to ignore. They still choose to treat me with reproach; it's wrong to be considered with apathy by people who are supposedly brothers and sisters in the kingdom.

So this is what I deem the most appropriate draft. I have faith that all things, all conversations Gd has blessed me with have worked for the benefit of who I am. And now I have to learn how Gd allows us to move on.

and so it is...

abba

This is a picture of my dad and I walking away from my Grandmother's grave.

Sometimes there are no words.

weekend update

Plans for after my midterm tomorrow at noon.
I have a four day weekend this weekend and I am wicked excited.

Two very close friends are coming up and I am super excited to see them.

Write letters to Charlotte, Adam, Lauren R. and the Siegers.

Clean my room!!!

Have a roommate meeting. we have some stuff to talk about.

Spend time in prayer.

Have a decent meal or two.

Organize!!!

Buy leggings. Like legitimate thick, stockings.

Hebrew flashcards.

Jewish reading. (includes research on top of homework)

Call my mama.

And so it is...

Life of a Believer

two years ago today I wrote this poem:


Life of a Believer

October 12, 2007

Malka Gittel


A beautiful picture for a beautiful person,

Colors fade to fall,

A majestic flower for a majestic G-d,

Enter in the call,

A powerful sermon for a powerful people,

Governed to give love,

A created worship for a created heaven,

Remembering the dove,

A commanding death for a commanded lie,

Hold fast you chosen,

A passionate life for a passionate son,

For you who are broken,

A driven word for a driven you,

The real touch of hope,

A righteous knee bent for a righteous throne,

After a new birth,

A fallen humanity for a fallen home,

Choose wisely and rejoice freely,

Without hesitation, sing and dance,


“Trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly.”

no names

no names.

i am obsessed with a musician. and he's not a friend who happens to play music, he is legitimately a musician, touring in europe right now.

this is what i knew about him:
he has one brother.
grew up in pittsburg.
parents are blind and were divorced when he was young.
he got his masters degree in mental health psychology at a private school.
when writing his second album, he himself was going through a divorce.
and from the music from his third album, it sounds like he was unfaithful.
he can smoke a cigarette well and his beard is perfect.
he now lives in a very small town in illinois.
might be married now.

so i was looking at his pictures on myspace, dreaming about taking him to coffee when his tour came in to town. i would most likely take him to the coffee shop i love in the mission district. we would fit in. we would talk about our common love for sufjan stevens. we would talk about the spiritual undertones in his song "Mend Your Heart" and then i would wipe the dust from my croissant and he would have a little coffee on his lips. he would say that he got married the first time too young, but now he knows what he wants. we would fall in love and get married and live in new york where i was interning until i finished my graduate work. then we would move back to the small small town in illinois and live in a big/cheap empty house. he'd go back to work as a therapist and i would write articles and we'd make babies.

it was all working out fine until i noticed this one woman's name as the photographer of many of his photos. these photos are not just professional photos, they are more home-y, more relaxed. i thought to myself, if he had a wife, then i bet she took these pictures.

enter stalking skills:

i myspaced her name and narrowed down my search a few times, changing the age and hometown of this woman i didn't even know really truly existed. and then i found her. and yes, she is married to him. and now my dreams are shattered ;)

she is super cute. not too high maintenance, not too low. they look very happy in their pictures together.

he deserves someone like her i guess

...

now i think it's time i get a therapist for my addictive/obsessive/consuming habits.

Mourning

My Grandmother, Janet Stover, passed away last night.

She had been sick for quite a few years, almost unrecognizable. I rejoice that she is in Heaven now, no longer in pain. I grieve for my father who is alone for the next few days. I also feel sadness for my Grandfather who loved my Grandma well. I will miss her smell. She had skin cancer and was forced to use this cream that had a very...remarkable sense to it. She laughed easily and often. She loved people very deeply, and it is evident that she was loved back. I remember her telling me when I was young, I had to learn to love Gd with all of my strength and ALL of my heart; only then would I be ready to get married because, she said, you have to love your husband second. She was beautiful. She was very conservative and gentle. She was a lover of Jesus. The funeral is this Friday. I won't lie, I am bummed for the sacrifices I have to make this weekend, but family is so worth so much more.

May her memory be one of thanksgiving and joy, B'shem Yeshua.

addendum

ex boyfriends need to stop getting married. It's too bizarre.

Also, I forgot to mention that my last post was the fiftieth post I've made on this catalyst for narcissism.

And Alexi Murdoch's Orange Sky is worshipful. You should listen to it.

Oh, one more thing: I rid the apathy away with a tasty, tasty dinner. As follows:


^english muffin, toasted with goat cheese.


^thin slices of green apple.


^tuna...of course. With small squares of apple.


^Walnuts on one side and raisins on the other.

apathy is winning

my bathroom is a mess. Apparently there were twenty people in my apartment last night, apparently they were all on ecstasy and apparently they all took showers, with my soap. With my shampoo. Used my towels.

Whatever.

my Grandma is dying. And it hurts. And it's annoying when people tell me it's going to be alright. I feel like I know how to mourn, but I really don't know how and it still hurts.

I have three papers due this week. A term paper proposal in J-Hist, Rabbinic Judaism for J-Studies and an agree/disagree paper on living together before marriage for sex and relationships. Their all equally important and the level of me not wanting to surrender to writing is equal as well.

I wrote two poems on the muni today:

The Holy Men Were Petrified
in the sunset of history
I speak to the Kings till dawn
for where in my heart can I forgive?
I ask the bishops to respond
and they build a fire
they bow their heads and say
"the Lord's work" and I die
one day the real Lord will look at them
and they will be petrified
I have to remember though
that I am a Holy man too
I've criticized the minority and
I've build fires for children
so Lord, as I stand before you petrified
send me justice and I'll accept grace

They Danced
they arrived at the station=the same time
their eyes danced together
and the words expressed
their heart's place in seasonal emotions
they danced in body and soul
the people that they watched together
were old and young, sick and wretched, healthy and kind
and they observed these people's presence
they allowed dancing in their homes
and in their conversations
for less than a penny's worth
the man in the blue suit is looking
at the man in with a red beard
and they know not love and they do not dance
and that is very sad to me

I missed Church this morning because...well I actually don't know why. I was homesick so I went to the closest Denny's which is an hour away. And they've raised the prices twenty percent. I just made up that percentage, but seriously it's gotten so expensive. And the food came way too fast. It made me uncomfortable.

On my way back from the muni, after my only cigarette broke in half, there was an old man walking down the stairs in front of me. I asked if he needed me to help him and he smiled and said no thank you. Then he called me a good Samaritan. I don't know what to think about that. I just didn't want to pass him by.

I guess I'll write one of those stupid papers. Yuck. That's my apathy talking.

an apathetic day

Today I am not motivated.

I am going to go do pilates at the village gym. I read a little. I need to study Hebrew; we have a test tomorrow. I did laundry. I went to my J. Studies class earlier this afternoon. It was so good. I also discovered Mark Kinzer's book, "Post-Missionary Messianic Judaism". I really want to read it. I also decided that wherever I came from, vocationally, I want to be a scholar. Later though. Because right now I am listening to Cat Power sing the old folk song called "He Was a Friend of Mine" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v35QlMywH6s

Random: I really love Cat Power. A lot.

^this is her. Her real name is Chan Marshall. She is very raw. I feel like going to a Blick art studio. Yep. Just accept it Malki, today is an apathetic day. Don't try and make it any other way, cause then you'll just disappoint yourself.

That's all...

Al Cheit, a redemption story

I attended a Synagogue who shall remain nameless for Kol Nidre this evening. The night tradtional service to begin Yom Kippur is supposed to be somber; a moment when the congregation and Cantor come before Gd in all humility and ask for forgiveness for the last years sins. This moment is one of honesty with oneself. It is honesty with the community. And it is honesty before Adonai.

I don't think that Kol Nidre, being one of my favorite Erev holidays, could be ruined. But alas, there is a first for everything. For 3/4's of the service I was bummed out. Continually shocked at the lack of enthusiasm from the congregants and the acute energy from the leaders. Isn't this supposed to be for the congregation? Isn't this supposed to be a night of inner reflection? The Rabbi and Cantor joyful? Members apathetic? Not exactly what you would expect from a people who is revealing their shortcomings to their creator in hope of atonement. Really, joy? I mean, there is nothing wrong with joy- I think it is why we are here and a major component of the meaning of life.

During Al Cheit, we beat our chests as we name the sins we've committed and we end with, V'al kulam Elohai selichot slach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu (for all these sins, Gd of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement). There are four stanza's and in the middle of this ritual, I beat my chest and I heard it echo inside. I heard it again for the next beat. It was conviction. I realized by judging this congregation I was committing a sin right there, in the proximity of people who are searching for redemption. I happen to have faith that I have found eternal grace in Yeshua, and here I am judging. Really, malka, judging?

I continued to beat, with my right hand in a fist, and I repeated the words that the type A personality Rabbi and operatic Cantor spoke. I repeated with joy. I learned a lot tonight from these lost, intellectual, ritual-blinded people. I learned that in the depths of somberness and introspective times, between you and Gd amidst your own people, you can feel joy. It is allowed to feel a conviction and a praise offering at the same time. That echo in my body was the Spirit of Gd, I believe.

shoes...

Oy vey. I really need new shoes.



There is something about shoe shopping that I find so repulsive. I would guess the statistic that 3 out of 5 of my friends have shoe obsessions; somehow I escaped that influence. The very idea of looking at and trying on shoes is absolutely not appealing to me. I would gladly throw this pair away, however I would then be without shoes. I should also mention that it is really hard for me to spend more than $20 on a pair.



I have a pair of TOMS ($ defense: a moral cause), but they are red and do not always match my clothes. I have some fake Ugg boots ($ defense: a gift), but I tend to drag my feet in them. I have a pair of heels, and flats (from the parents) that I take out for special occasions. I also have some sweet flip-flops that I've had for about five years and a sweet pair of Rainbows ($ defense: a gift), but my feet would freeze if I wore them.



When I find that one pair, it will be good. They won't give me blisters or cuts. The color won't be overly dramatic, something like black, or tope. They will slip on my feet easily and make me feel like I could walk for days. hmmm. The smell of good shoes- so good!

Consume

I was consumed with the thought of a deeply convicting and reality-altering conversation with my Professor. Now that it's over, I feel foolish. He reacted beautifully. It probably didn't help that my hands shook and voice trembled. But it is over and the dialogue to come might be intellectually more challenging, but relationally easier. And now I feel empty because what was consuming my thoughts is no longer an issue. Or at least it's not as pertinent of an issue.

I am in love with William Fitzsimmons. He is a musician I have followed for three years. I saw him live at Lestat's in March. His lyrics/melodies are sensitive, personality is tender and he has a sweet beard. I have a thing for beards. And musicians. I was in the car accident a few days before I saw him. I think his music played a part in healing. I think he is in his thirties. But that has never stopped any of my crushes. I could go off and name everything I like, including his tattoos, flannel shirts and honest eyes, but it wouldn't do any good. I think he's married.

Tuna. I love tuna. Cheese. Cheese is a huge part of my life, nay, who I am. Sometimes I like to think of them put together.

Riding the muni. I think about that too. I like to think about what would happen if I broke out in song. Or if I began to read Harry Potter aloud in a British accent.\

Tests and text messaging. Pictures and trying on clothes. I worry about these things.

Anxiety is natural to me. It's how my mind works. It's not healthy. I have an addicted personality. I am discovering more and more though, that Yeshua is calling me to be consumed with things that are good. Attributes to define Gd in the Tanakh and NT are as follows: love, justice, forgiveness, sacrifice, righteousness, community, peace and joy. And Titus says that we should love, be lovers of good. Love what is good. And yes, conversations with my Prof are very important. Yes, William Fitzsimmons is very important. Yes, fish and dairy products are nourishing. Yes public transportation and making a fool of oneself is essential. But to consume oneself with the thoughts and actions of Gd might just be the meaning of life. A Gd who desires the praise of his creation and exaltation of his masterpieces is the most important and crucial identifiable consumption I could possibly have.

and so it is.

the day time of the night

^a Rosh Hashanah Rose...

A late night adventure with my neighbors.

I baked cookies (tried to cut the recipe in half = fail). My neighbors, being gracious, ate most of them. Then we proceeded to walk around campus, looking for roofs to walk on. Talked with a Police Officer who was very glad to see us (apparently we were the first sober people he had seen in a few hours). Made a stop at the 24 hour Subway for Andy. Met up with some friends we know. Hid from some friends we didn't want to see. Found a secret entrance. Scaled the roof of the Cesar Chavez building. Looked at the stars. Felt the wind. I jumped around, full of energy, Casey commented on and bounced off my energy and Andy tried to ignore us both. I think we embarrassed him :)


^on the roof of the highest building on campus...



^Andy, me and Casey's legs...

Happy New Year. Although I spent the whole day studying and eating kugel (thanks for the great recipe Liz!) I feel rested.
Probably because I napped.
Decided that it's not depression that I suffer from, but anxiety.
There is a peace here.
Ironic to say, post anxiety revelation. I suppose that is how Gd works though. I mean, Gd can heal through the efficacy of thought. A scripture reference just came to mind:

Rejoice in the Lrd always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evidence to all. The Lrd is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Gd. And the peace of Gd, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Yeshua HaMashiach. Philippians 4:11

I like it!


^studies obsessed...

I am a ...

My education to Jewish Studies began last night.

Sitting on the far left, as to plug in my mini laptop named "Tom" I listened and attentively took notes on my Jewish History until 1650 class. This class is three hours, once a week and taught by the Chair of the Jewish Studies Department who also teaches Jewish Studies and acts as my academic adviser. We have gotten past the horrible history bump of Empires such as Byzantine and entered into a discussion on the split of Christianity from Judaism.

I am a Messianic Jew.
Even writing the word, with "I am ..." terrifies me. I have been subject to so much intellectual and emotional criticism from Jews and Christians, the word has now become something I fear rather than a celebration of who I am. From Jews trying to retract my "Jewishness" and Christian's who contend after replacement theology, I am the middle man who no one wants around. I am the person who seems to cause trouble. Why can't I make up my mind? In the Christian community, it's fun and trendy to follow Yeshua. In the Jewish community, it's about rituals and tradition that make up the ideologies of the day. But here I am. One generation too late in the Messianic times to be a radical and one thought process behind for a popular methodology called evangelism. And to be reminded that I am a woman amongst non-egalitarian men is a another story.

I am a Messianic Jew.
There it is. It is rather beautiful. Eloquently written, rolls off the tongue like a cold glass of water after consuming too many rugelach. It's clean. When the community of Messianic believer's get together, you have the weird old and young people, the "royalty" and the people that have no idea what's going on. I understand this is a dramatic definition. There are the intellectuals and the leaders, the people who are not Jewish, the people who are too Jewish and the men and women who are hungry for freedom. Which one am I?

I am a Messianic Jew.
At some point this will come up to my Professor. He has to know. I would be lying and doing him an injustice if this never "came out." During lecture last evening, the class mulled over topics such as the Gospels written after the destruction of the second Temple, Jesus is irrelevant to Judaism because he did abolished the law and the apostle Paul living an oxymoron life (living according to law, but preaching that it is unnecessary). Here I am, sitting in the second row, farthest to the left, shaking in my boots. What do you say to your teacher who is a scholar and a Jew. What do you say to a class of twenty other students, half of which are Jewish and the other half secular history majors?

I am a Messianic Jew.
It starting to sound a little better. I rushed an email last night to my friend Kim who is a pastor in San Diego. What the heck!? I said, If what I heard tonight was true, then my own relationship with Gd has changed drastically! I look forward to her reply. I know it will be filled to the rim with wisdom and assurance. Then today asked my friend Aaron about the gospels being written after 70ce. I loved what he said. Well, yes, they were written after...unless you believe in prophecy. I can breathe easy. This afternoon I picked up David H. Stern's "Messianic Jewish Manifesto" a work of genius. I barely finished reading the first chapter and I began to weep. It's okay that I believe in what I do. I am allowed to disagree with people, even other Messianic Jews. It's okay that I am in a season where I am figuring this out and being assured, gaining knowledge and living in accordance to the true nature of Gd. Whom shall I fear?

My story is not finished. And that is okay too.

I am a Messianic Jew.

these days

^ a visit to the hospitality house ...


^empty muni!


^pre-Kugel...so good!!




^HOPE inscribed on a seat in a Muni


^picked up at the airport by my 3 male, good looking neighbors in a sports car!

haircuts

Ariel, my dear friend whom I met last summer, is in Cosmetology school and has been for two weeks. She is so rad. When we first met she would always offer to do makeup and I took her up on it! She is so humble and will barely talk about her accomplishments. She is so good at what she is learning. It is such a natural gift that she was made with and I am so proud of her!
Anyway, I asked her to cut my hair because I got so sick of the length weighing my curls to non-existence!
Here it goes:


^The encouragers from Left: Ariel, Andy and Casey...


^The first cut!!


^not knowing this would take an hour and a half...


^ ...so much hair! (roommates freaked out for two seconds, but all is well)


^the first layers, professional, in my opinion


^Ariel and I...or should I say my hairstylist :)


^cleanup

i like hebrew

i like hebrew.

i like to stand on the muni, bumping into the old asian women around me.

i like to see someone who remembers my name.
but i do not like it when i forget their name.

i like to eat melted cheese on a piece of wholegrain bread with walnuts.

i like to drink water.

i like it when my teachers know my name.

i like it more when they know who i am.

i like feeling confident about praying in public.

i like running into jews for jesus missionaries at my school.

i like getting emails.

i like it when my therapist calls me back.

i like listening to sad music when i am happy.

i also like to listen to sad music when i am sad. but this one is a problem.

i like having late night convo's with my roommate. she is cool.

i like reconnecting.

i like learning about sex and relationships from a text book.

i like to choreograph dances to worship music in my head as i walk to my classes.

i like this life in a new city
(it's new enough that i can use a map and not look silly)

The Good City [a poem]

Oh the city, it swells,
It swells my heart,
My feet walk and walk
A distance I never knew
And a path I couldn’t have drawn
Out on a map
For the map of my heart
Is found in the city
The city now is reached
But it is not
Because the homeless
Are still less
And my bed is still empty
So I wait patiently
For the one according
To a list
But that list is small
When the rain falls
I put on music
And the music takes me
Away from the bus I ride
The bus I ride on in the front
Because I am white
It’s figurative though
My people group
Suffered as much as the last
And in my class
They speak of a Gd I don’t want
But I know a secret
I talk to that Gd
And He tells me to love
And to love and love
To Love him and to love them
So I give it a try
On that Gd’s time
My watch moves in seconds
And the seventh day
The seventh year is rest
Is Sabbath
And I take one day
I should take the seventh
To rest
To Sabbath
To Avodah
So I do and I breathe easy
While my teachers teach
I have to reteach everything inside
Because I belong to a different life
A different path
A different thought
So I sit in class
And I consider the world’s tongue
But I chose to consider it
Young
And I am young
But I am here to learn
To learn about my people
The ones who were killed
And the ones who killed
I suppose I am guilty of that too
And that same Gd who watched them kill
Has watched me kill
So I will sacrifice myself
For the wrongs I’ve done
The man’s tongue I’ve done
And the girl’s heart I’ve wronged
So find me to forgive
And I will direct you heavenward
Heavenward
That Gd resides
And in my heart
That Gd resides there too
Its free have you heard?
In this city I have learned
To love and be loved in return
Is the greatest thing
So they say
But my Gd said it first
So I know it
And I rest in it
Good city
Teach me

September 1, 2009

Celtic/Gaelic for Soft and Gentle

I am between classes right now, and will be getting up soon to make brunch for myself. Possibly granola with blueberries and milk. :)

I picked up a journal a few moments ago. It's a blue/teal color. It is full of Megan's 12-14 year old thoughts to me. From 2002 to '04 she wrote to "me" in the hopes I would read it. In between actual entries, she would add quick and easy multiple choice questions, such as "who is my favorite actor?" and harder ones such as, "What year did the Dragons Head begin [in Harry Potter]." Other additives like homework given to buy her candy and call her to tell her what I thought of the journal so far.

One entry that got me crying in particular was on September 22, 2003:

"uhhh, there was something I was going to say... I know it... *scratches head* let's see. * * * ten minutes later... I REMEMBER! I was going to say that I had a really good time at Church, and that it meant a lot to me when you leaned your head on my shoulder. You are my best friend in the world and I love you too much for words. Isn't it funny how none of our fights have lasted longer that a few days? We're too good."

I have made a lot of mistakes, especially with Megan's heart and our friendship.

I guess I feel really bad that I didn't give her back the attention she gave me, or that she deserved[s]. She is so generous and kind. Her gentle nature and pure spirit give me hope that such things exist. She feels so deeply. And I love her muchly.


^ at a Church for during Halloween season in 2002 or 3...

music, muni and men

It takes the entirety of Ingrid Michaelson's new album, Everybody for me to get to Dolores Park.

I saw a sign that said, "Feel Better Naturally."

Two girls who, by their appearances, just got done with softball practice were bickering for three stops and a man sat next to me who had a sweet head of hair (or lack of: blonde, thick curls, however he was balding).


^my neighbors and new friends: Garret, Andrew and Casey


It's quite hot here the past few days. I had dinner with the Seigers last night and saw Inglorious Bastards. It made me laugh, it made me cry. Tarantino has a way with images and words that always works for me. I came home last night and there were two boys just wandering around my kitchen and my roommate, as I heard it, had let them in in a drunken state. Cool.

Today is a lazy day. and so it...


South City