Al Cheit, a redemption story

I attended a Synagogue who shall remain nameless for Kol Nidre this evening. The night tradtional service to begin Yom Kippur is supposed to be somber; a moment when the congregation and Cantor come before Gd in all humility and ask for forgiveness for the last years sins. This moment is one of honesty with oneself. It is honesty with the community. And it is honesty before Adonai.

I don't think that Kol Nidre, being one of my favorite Erev holidays, could be ruined. But alas, there is a first for everything. For 3/4's of the service I was bummed out. Continually shocked at the lack of enthusiasm from the congregants and the acute energy from the leaders. Isn't this supposed to be for the congregation? Isn't this supposed to be a night of inner reflection? The Rabbi and Cantor joyful? Members apathetic? Not exactly what you would expect from a people who is revealing their shortcomings to their creator in hope of atonement. Really, joy? I mean, there is nothing wrong with joy- I think it is why we are here and a major component of the meaning of life.

During Al Cheit, we beat our chests as we name the sins we've committed and we end with, V'al kulam Elohai selichot slach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu (for all these sins, Gd of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement). There are four stanza's and in the middle of this ritual, I beat my chest and I heard it echo inside. I heard it again for the next beat. It was conviction. I realized by judging this congregation I was committing a sin right there, in the proximity of people who are searching for redemption. I happen to have faith that I have found eternal grace in Yeshua, and here I am judging. Really, malka, judging?

I continued to beat, with my right hand in a fist, and I repeated the words that the type A personality Rabbi and operatic Cantor spoke. I repeated with joy. I learned a lot tonight from these lost, intellectual, ritual-blinded people. I learned that in the depths of somberness and introspective times, between you and Gd amidst your own people, you can feel joy. It is allowed to feel a conviction and a praise offering at the same time. That echo in my body was the Spirit of Gd, I believe.