Consume

I was consumed with the thought of a deeply convicting and reality-altering conversation with my Professor. Now that it's over, I feel foolish. He reacted beautifully. It probably didn't help that my hands shook and voice trembled. But it is over and the dialogue to come might be intellectually more challenging, but relationally easier. And now I feel empty because what was consuming my thoughts is no longer an issue. Or at least it's not as pertinent of an issue.

I am in love with William Fitzsimmons. He is a musician I have followed for three years. I saw him live at Lestat's in March. His lyrics/melodies are sensitive, personality is tender and he has a sweet beard. I have a thing for beards. And musicians. I was in the car accident a few days before I saw him. I think his music played a part in healing. I think he is in his thirties. But that has never stopped any of my crushes. I could go off and name everything I like, including his tattoos, flannel shirts and honest eyes, but it wouldn't do any good. I think he's married.

Tuna. I love tuna. Cheese. Cheese is a huge part of my life, nay, who I am. Sometimes I like to think of them put together.

Riding the muni. I think about that too. I like to think about what would happen if I broke out in song. Or if I began to read Harry Potter aloud in a British accent.\

Tests and text messaging. Pictures and trying on clothes. I worry about these things.

Anxiety is natural to me. It's how my mind works. It's not healthy. I have an addicted personality. I am discovering more and more though, that Yeshua is calling me to be consumed with things that are good. Attributes to define Gd in the Tanakh and NT are as follows: love, justice, forgiveness, sacrifice, righteousness, community, peace and joy. And Titus says that we should love, be lovers of good. Love what is good. And yes, conversations with my Prof are very important. Yes, William Fitzsimmons is very important. Yes, fish and dairy products are nourishing. Yes public transportation and making a fool of oneself is essential. But to consume oneself with the thoughts and actions of Gd might just be the meaning of life. A Gd who desires the praise of his creation and exaltation of his masterpieces is the most important and crucial identifiable consumption I could possibly have.

and so it is.