another mad man

I'm currently listening to a song. It's called Sally's Story and it's rather obscure. A haunting Scottish tune. It makes you want to cry and laugh and be in love and be alone. It's from Mad Men, Season 3, Episode 1. It took some major stalking skills to find it.

I'm thinking about faith. I'm in one of those moments when you realize that you've led a life dreaming and speaking and maybe believing too, but you feel alone and dissatisfied. What does it mean to fall in love with someone who speaks your language, but does not believe in angels? What does it mean to work a job that is thankless. What does worship mean if it's not with people who know you, or to a Gd without a name? What does it mean to feel as if something powerful has bruised you, and you simultaneously believe that you actually deserved it.

Do you believe who/what Gd says you are?

I've heard this phrase a lot over the last few weeks. I've heard it in movies, books, blogs, status updates, and conversations. Is that not the question? I say that I am a quitter. But Gd says that I am safe. I say I am lost. But Gd says that I am found. I say that I am stupid. But Gd says that I am capable. I say that I am inadequate. Gd says I am better than that. I say I am doing pretty good as a young adult. Gd says that I actually need guidance. I say that I am okay living as a 'spiritual' person. Gd says that I need discipline. I say that I am homeless. But Gd says that home never left.

I could go on...

The song is over. But the conversation of this little girl in the big world, and the bigger story, is not finished.
breath, breath, breath.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am." -Sylvia Plath

transitions:

Moving. Packing. Readying. I move to a new life with my partner. And our friend with a dog. I am ecstatic and a little bit nervous. I find that my heart trembles, but my hands stay still when big things happen. Big things like: being accepted to a master's degree in counseling psychology (btw, starting in the fall). Shifting from a job that has been really hard to an unknown job that will have to pay the rent. Traveling to and from my old home/my parent's home. Traveling to the Virgin Islands (JUNE!). Therapists words: hard to hear sometimes.

I heart Oakland

The most difficult decision I made as a post-graduate was to move out of San Francisco.

San Francisco.
A city that is culturally and economically diverse. 7 by 7 miles long and wide, the buses never sleep nor do the locals tire of telling tourists how to get around. From bros in the Marina, to Lesbians in Bernal Heights, hipsters and latino families living harmoniously in the Mission district and white middle class students living wall to wall with a huge Asian population, the city is phenomenal. Some things are not so phenomenal, such as Powell street shopping and tenderloin poverty existing only blocks away from each other. Or the mass exodus of transient youth who romanticize Haight St. and sell their lives to the drug world. Then you have the food. Always ten different ethnic foods within ten minutes walking distance from your house. AND, of course, the politics. The nudists. The history, etc...

And I decided to leave it all behind.

Okay, I know I'm being slightly over dramatic. I moved fifteen miles away. But Oakland is a far cry from the city I love.

Yet, Oakland has charm that cannot compare with SF. You could spend time in berkeley, only to be bombarded with Cal students and beautiful streets and old buildings, or you could hang out in Emeryville (which isn't a real place). But Oakland is special. The people live and work and walk and bike and hold block parties and play latin music for the entire neighborhood to enjoy. The weather is divine- never too hot, never too cold. And, this is personal, I get to live five or so blocks from my love. I never get bored of driving to temescal to eat something great. I haven't tired yet of my bart station excitement (until it happened to us- $260 ticket = boo!). Also, gang members can be quite friendly too!

I look forward to this love affair with the east bay to grow, develop and produce adventures and affinity.

The Sherbert House

My new house.
I like Oakland. They have block parties with little boys break dancing on the street. They have gardens in front of houses that anyone can pick and eat.
I like my roommates. They compliment my cooking and they dress nice. They are interesting, funny and smart and share dreams together.

Birthday Cookies: huge success!


Amy's birthday! 23!!


Jenna serenading us...


The Sherbert House



Photocredit to Chelsea!!!!!

ma tovu

wake up every morning feeling directionless...

then I say this: ma tovu

then I say this: O Gd, in the abundance of your love, respond to me in truth with your help

and the day seems livable.

change. faith. working out.

The real world got the better of me this summer.

I wish John Mayer hadn't written that song about running through HS doors and shouting at the top of his lungs that the real world is a figment of our imagination persuaded by the authorities. It's not totally true.

I've spent a good two months worrying about where I was going to spend this next year.

What about India? Israel? Northridge? San Francisco? San Francisco. Oakland? Oakland.

It's happening and it's happening fast. I found a fabulous living situation, by grace. The commute will be boring. But maybe I can make it a meditation. I was convinced for a solid two weeks that it wouldn't work out. I would have to leave my friends and my favorite city in the world because I had nothing. But it worked out. It's working out. And it's weird. Some people will say that it's just how the universe works. Things work out. Karma or something. My faith has changed. It's become something that it didn't use to be. I rest in the idea that Gd was behind it "working" for the best. And so I thank that Gd.

May I learn to be engaged with my elementary students.

May I be compassionate for my volunteer work with homeless youth.

May I be more patient with my love.

May I listen and communicate with my new roommates.

May I learn about myself better.

This next year is working out. And I like how it's looking...And may the people around me learn the same things: engagement, compassion, patience, communication and lending an ear. And may they love themselves as we are the beloved.

PS: I read Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved and it changed my life.
PPS: I stopped eating as much bread as I use to eat. Oh hello lettuce wraps!

close.

Saying goodbye to a year is hard. There was too much laughter. A few tears. A good year.









Now, on to OAKLAND, Land Of The Oaks.