it's that time again

If I gave christmas letters than I would put this picture to describe my christmas.

merry christmas

Playlist: Joni Mitchell and The Shins.

I spent the day with M and N. They are kindreds.

N is M's new b-friend and I love them so much.

We spent the night sipping on wine and playing cards. And I am really glad they are with me. I feel very down. Not with them, obviously. They're bringing me up.

I think of Rory and I feel sad.

I think of community and how it has changed.

I think about Jesus and how I have dissapointed and how I have grown.

I think about Death Cab for Cutie because I will follow you into the dark just came on my shuffle.

Let's be real. I am angry at some people. I am surprised by some people.

Story: N, M and I are playing cards and listening to music and N plays a song that was not really congruent with the music that M and I had been playing (70s and now hippy and indie music)...Anyway, M and I started laughing hysterically. N felt really dissapointed and got sad because he thought we were rejecting him. N was super passive about the whole thing, but we knew something was wrong. Finally, I left the room, cause I knew that N would tell M what was wrong. He told her. Then she told me. Then we all talked about it. M and I apologized for being inconsiderate. N had a hard time forgiving us, because he said usually he was in the wrong. We continued to have a really good night.

That is community. Sharing the uncomfortable stuff. It's interesting to me that I have friends who are physically near to me, who haven't bothered to contact me. That's cool.

The "real" friends, I am learning, are the ones who are around.

In presence. In heart.

Perhaps I have been neglectful to some people recently. It's my responsibility to offer my apology and my love through time.

I offer a thought.

I hate being neglected. It hurts me, deeply. So I need to remember to not to neglect the people I love. I need to remember not to hate those who neglect me. Even though it hurts. Tears drop for the ones whom I wish cared. Gd can worry about them.

Jesus was "born" today. What was Jesus about? He was about love and forgiveness. He was about going to the hurting and the needy and healing them and fulfilling those needs. Sometimes it looked like giving a blind person his sight. Sometimes it looked like overturning the Temple and giving it back to an original place. Other times it looked like providing rest.

I support that.

I am still angry. I am still surprised. I still chose to look to a better example than myself for loving the environment.