I am either interrupted with the routines of life, or realize that what I am writing is too harsh for public domain.
I have been sleeping a lot. I got really sick last week, and although I had a four day weekend, I didn't really do anything. However- two favorites from back home drove up and we got to see each other for a day. Natalie and Christopher are beautiful. Really, truly wonderful. The conversations are always interesting and kind.
We saw "A Serious Man" by the Coen Brothers. Go see it.
Had a realization about grace the other day. Hebrews 12 says to Messianic Jews that they should live in peace with everyone, and make sure that no one misses the grace of Gd. That is a heavy call. It is a good call. And when i was complaining about a strict Professor to a friend on skype he said, sounds like your teacher needs to know grace.
Community. It's crucial. Everything about community wreaks honesty and Godliness. And that is why I am choosing to go on a two day retreat with some Christian friends (actually, I only know one of the leaders) instead of a retreat with some Messianic Jews.
The conclusions I am coming to about a certain part of my faith family are not good.
It's funny how certain people within a group can represent the group as a whole. I think it's wrong to generalize. I try not to judge something just because of one influence. That is being narrow minded. However when multiple people in a smallish group start behaving with similar inconsistencies, I believe that it's time for reevaluation. Reevaluation of how you perceive yourself. Figuring the influences you want, you need. In the last year alone I have been validly dissapointed by four different members in my community. To go beyond the confines of the community, to the people who say that they see the people in the community live wrong, and cause distaste for what they stand for. um, hello? Does anyone else see a problem??
It's almost funny because they don't even realize any of this. It would be news to them. I feel like I've been lied to. The entire life I lead has been shaped by people around me. By three different communities. And the one that is closest to my heart has made itself ugly. The Messianic community, where my identity is most solid has become the community that rejects and judges. Out of sight out of mind? I used to justify their actions. That is a pitiful excuse. I am ashamed for them. And I am hurt. Even people who are connected to our community, but do not follow grace have shown more kindness to me.
This is scattered, I know. I believe in Yeshua, they believe in Yeshua.
I cannot believe in Yeshua with them anymore. I won't cut ties with them completely, but I need to change my thoughts about how much I consider them. I cannot trust them anymore, I think. What does the makeup of my faith rely on? Who does it stand by? I have been looking into an internship within the Messianic community for when I graduate. I heard about a weekend next Spring of other Messianic Jewish young adults. I think I am going to begin to invest in others. I might pray for grace. But I have had ten years of grace with these people and they still choose to ignore. They still choose to treat me with reproach; it's wrong to be considered with apathy by people who are supposedly brothers and sisters in the kingdom.
So this is what I deem the most appropriate draft. I have faith that all things, all conversations Gd has blessed me with have worked for the benefit of who I am. And now I have to learn how Gd allows us to move on.
and so it is...
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