these days.

"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.”

-Boris Pasternak

I've been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot.

A few days ago was the birth date of a friend who is no longer flesh or breathe. It saddens me to think of the years he could have had. It angers me to think of the situation and the hurt. It confuses me that the process is so long. so long. so long, again, dear friend.

I am graduating in May. Let's not talk about it.

I am learning so much. I am learning things about food, history, art, relationships, communication, macbooks, myself. others. It is good.

breathe.

PS: next year I want to take dance classes, volunteer anywhere and everywhere, eat more fruits, veggies and nuts and attend the symphony and ballets, etc... Also libraries. I would like to try and get a job t a library.

Dorothy Parker

A Well-Worn Story

In April, in April,
My one love came along,
And I ran the slope of my high hill
To follow a thread of song.

His eyes were hard as porphyry
With looking on cruel lands;
His voice went slipping over me
Like terrible silver hands.

Together we trod the secret lane
And walked the muttering town.
I wore my heart like a wet, red stain
On the breast of a velvet gown.

In April, in April,
My love went whistling by,
And I stumbled here to my high hill
Along the way of a lie.

Now what should I do in this place
But sit and count the chimes,
And splash cold water on my face
And spoil a page with rhymes?

IF

Events.

It's so funny how one can be influenced, isn't it? I was on a liberal role for a few weeks. I wasn't very gracious. I was obsessed with new history and I began to reform my beliefs about the past. Especially American Christian past. I forgot where I came from. Lucky for me, I have mentors in my life who speak wisdom and faithfulness. So I called to them. And they gave the best responses.

I awoke this morning to an idea. What if I go to Seminary for Graduate school? I looked at my options and it looks like I might move back to southern CA. This is the last thing in the world that I want to do. But my people are there. My resources are there. My family is there. ... It's something to think about.

I do believe now, however, that my role in the world is not to be poet. What I mean is, I will always be a poet, but I do not want to make money or go to school for it. I think my calling is Ministry. I just don't know what that entails. It might be messianic. It might be Presbyterian. It might mean abroad missions. It might mean inner city. It might be the suburbs.

I still have the community/foster house in my heart.

Events.

It's funny how yesterday I thought I didn't want to go to Church or even call myself a Christian. I was frustrated that my journey is so complicated. But that is okay. I decided I am going to Church tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to. But I am in the mood to worship. I wish I could go to a Synagogue and pray. I pray the best when I am there. But Church can be the second best thing.

thoughts on Gd.

"God is over all things, under all things, outside all; within but not enclosed; without but not excluded; above but not raised up; below but not depressed; wholly above, presiding; wholly beneath, sustaining; wholly without, embracing; wholly within, filling."

-Hildabert of Laverdin

It's been too long. My apologies.

Nothing better than:

Sufjan Stevens concert.
dancing/running in the rain at 12:30am with your roommate.
Uncle Benny's Donuts down the street.
a well written 5pg paper about Feminists and Fundamentalism in the 1920s.
thinking about a summer well spent.
reading poetry in a basement in the Mission district with three fabulous friends.
train ride to Davis from Emeryville.
Fenton's
midnight showing of "The Room"
the moma for free at 9pm
Luck be Thursday with the same fabulous friends.
21rst birthday celebrations
pink flash drives
a friend's boyfriend (who is a friend) fixing your computer when viruses attack!
star wars
breakfast at tiffany's, in the kitchen while it rains outside
baguette's with butter
baguette's with melted cheese
roommate making a bowl of cookie dough, simply to eat the dough
buying toilet paper
writing poetry
pictures
praying on a roof at school
having twelve unexpected guests for shabbat dinner
lighting the Shabbat Candles
taking your mom to the BlueGrass festival
letters in the mail
phone dates
real dates
the history of religion in america
modern american jewish history
watching your Prof on CNN yell at Peggy Noonan
texts
poetry
Sufjan Stevens
...

sa la ve

There is a band called

The Danielson Famile

they make weird music, but it's really cool. There is one song that sounds sooooo familiar and I think my sister put it on a mix for me that she made a couple of years ago. They are a Christian family and they performed in bars while wearing nurses uniforms to reflect the healing power of Gd. They would pray during their concerts.

I am at the pub and I have class in an hour. I feel like I am in a bizarro world.

I am so grateful for my friends. for my family. for the ability to go to college. etc.

I am super bummed that I am missing briefing this year. i forgot how much I miss my fhpc faith family until recently. dang it.

well...Gd is good and I will see them soon.

perhaps...

it is sunday and i like the weather.
i like that i can see the muni from my bay window.
i like that i can turn the oven on and it warms the house.
i like that i can buy some clothes at a thriftstore called the most fabulous thrift store in the world.
i like that i can go to a bar and have a glass of beer and it is not too much.
i like that i have a community of friends here in the city.
i like that i am appreciated and have the chance to love people.

i don't like that i miss the people i worked with this summer.
i don't like that i miss the people in san diego.
i don't like that i miss my family and the new baby.

my chicken is ready (out of the oven)... perhaps i will watch sleepless in seattle.

the trees say hello

Last week of camp.

I have learned so much this summer. I learned that community is hard, but it is sweet. I have learned that it is possible to really love people. I learned that defining myself by LOVE and reconstructing my way is good and pleasing to Gd.

I am excited for this next year. I am excited about this last summer.

days go by

Jimmy.
He is my friend. I miss him. He lights my world well. He sees good things and he thinks deeply. I cherish him.
Kim.
She is my friend. Today's convo was amazing. She processes well. She helps me see the connections and we laugh together. I adore her.
Natalie.
She is my friend. She plans well and I learn from her. She sees hope and she knows me well. I care about her.
Deleir.
He is my friend. He is a great communicator. He helps those who need. He is a learner and a passionate person. I respect him.
Ema and Abba.
They are my parents. They are great listeners and encouragers. They know how to love very well. I love them.
Beth.
She is my friend. She laughs and paves love with gold lining. The way she dances reflects her heart. I admire her.

I can think of a hundred more people who have changed my life and I am grateful. This summer is a season I will never forget; never ever will I forget. Praise G-d from whom all blessings flow. It is amazing to me how I learn patience and rest. It is amazing to me how I learn friendship. Community is my favorite.

the sum

it is strange not keeping up with the world and my world.

facebook is totally overwhelming.

filling out rent questionares for possible future landlords.

living in the sun and wearing hats and sandals all day.

living for the youth. serving them, loving them. asking them to think and to love.

getting girl talk and adventures with my roommates in the woods.

having respomsibilities and then sliding into the lake.

hug and kiss thursday.

missing my people. learning about myself.

10 things

girl looks at me and says that when i made contact with her in our team communion, she felt loved.

two am date night with Katty in the woods.

deliriousness.

the women deans initiation- a beautiful blessing written on our wall and a heartfelt prayer from our director.

hug and kiss thursdays.

fart machine that my student let me borrow for a night.

a shower after the mudbowl.

encouragment.

bonnie's worship experience.

the guys jumping around like gorillas.

^such is life at camp.

i am still...

packing.

I had quite a morning: Dr's appointment, coffee date and shopping for mud clothes (FH mud bowl).

woohoo. I am really, really excited about swaping storied with people this summer.

I am really excited about making new friends and living in community.

I am super bummed to leave SD people again.

But I rest assured that those relationships will last for a very long time.

I hope the experience of camp this summer will better my knowledge of myself and Jesus.

can I just say that I am obsessed with this picture!!

I'll be honest, Natalie totally inspired this post.

I am packing, again, to go 9 weeks in the mountains.

Half of me is convinced that I am going for spiritual reasons: to live in community and provoke deeper conversations with Gd and between HS students and Gd. The other half of me knows that being staff at FH doesn't exactly mean you are going for the right reasons. I spoke with L today and she said that it will be challenging and beautiful. People will make-out, get mad, make up and be real. I am trying to process the human-ness of it all.

My freshman year at FH, I forgot jean pants. It gets very, very cold at night and the entire week I borrowed other girl's jeans. I remember I took communion one night and it hit me hard that Jesus was the Savior.

My Sophomore year was pretty great. Lots of sex talks in the bathroom. I saw Kim's underwear and she and I had a really long and good talk in Heather's car one night. I was angry at this point in my life. I learned more communication skills that week. I also forgot to bring a sleeping bag.

My Junior year at FH was...well it was okay. Kim was pregnant. Angie was pregnant. Most of that week I remembered jealousy. I also remember L. I recall a moment when we were by the bathrooms down the hill and she smiled and asked if I wanted to join her in a stroll. That's the same year Charlotte and I started walking around the lake.

The summer before my Senior year I forgot to bring soap. I fell in love with someone. I don't remember his name, but I remember that another girl took him away.

The summer I graduated, I also had an internship. It would be the first summer that I was a camper and a counselor. FH represented so much for me. It represented a journey. It represented praying with a friend who was suffering from depression underneath a tree. I fell in love with a boy who actually liked me too. We dated. He had long ties with FH. He was a musician.

There was one summer that I did not go to FH.

The summer after that, last summer, I visited for a day. I felt like I was at home. I also went to Jr. High camp and Young Adult Briefing- but there is something specific and special about High School summer camp at lakeview.

I hope that expectations are met. I hope that Gd is seen. I hope that I meet people who are good for me. I hope that we are not exclusive.

I am going to miss my friends a lot- I already miss the ones in SF. But since I have been in SD, I will miss them too. I have spent a fabulous two weeks with these people; an array of them, all very unique and lovely. Wine, beer, cheese, Mexican food, starbucks, shopping, movies, late night talks, long talks, short kisses, long hugs, tall boys and medium girls, surprises and routine.

These seasons are fascinating; I don't want them to runaway.

Job 38:19

What is the way to the abode of light?

^I love this.

I want to write poetry and I think this verse, from a man who held hope close, though he was broken, will be my thesis. I like this idea... portfolio, here I come!

home again.

I am lounging in the guest room in my parents house.

It is very weird. I am extremely sad to leave the people and life I had this last year in SF- but I am also extremely happy to be in a town that has been good to me.

SF is adventure, SD is safety.

I pulled up to my house at 2am. This morning my mom and i returned the rental car and then we went to my starbucks. J was working and it was a good moment. He made me sweet tea lemonade. Then we stopped by my Church and K, D and lots of babies were around. It was a perfect hello. I was worried everything would be overwhelming, like it had been during Christmas. My therapist and I talked a lot about my homecoming and I think that, so far, it has been good.

Jimmy and my road trip down was fantastic!! I am going to miss him a lot. He and I texted out boss most of the way, which was fun.

I am super tired, but I am also ready to start seeing people! :)

happiness!

a move

I am packing. Dang, it sucks. I have thrown away so many papers and donated so many clothes to goodwill. And I still have four or five small boxes. And I still have a messy bathroom and bedroom.

oy vey.

I am very sad to leave my new Church, Reality SF. I am very sad to leave my RA team. I am very sad to leave the greatest city in the world.

I am very grateful to have made the friends I have made. I am very grateful to have had therapy. I am very grateful that I have had incredible bosses!

I am so excited to see my Faith family in SD. I am so excited to see my lovely family and preggo! I am so excited to start Forest Home.

...

pray that me and jimmy's road trip goes well! :)

bye...

I just worked two very long day.

I just finished a very difficult academic semester.

My first year in San Francisco is now over.

I am packing and saying goodbyes.

It is extremely bittersweet.

Acts 17:11

a week in pictures...

^self explanatory...

^random hallway graffiti

^my first netflix!

a friend.

Sometimes you need a friend.

I watched "An Education" tonight with my friends and this movie freaked me out!

I started to feel sad: how messed up I am, how broken I've become, mistakes I've made, afogs yet to come, etc, etc, etc...

Then I went and found my friend Jimmy.

We talked for over an hour. He listened to me. Really listened. Offered more than advice. He offered me his time and his friend-devotion.

My therapist once said that Jimmy is perfect for me (as a friend)...

Now, I am soaking in his words.

His words include: you're worth it. don't fear. be caring and be the best person you can be. what are you afraid of? what is selfishness? you're great. i care.

It's nice to know that I have made a kindred here.

ph

^someone has really nice friends...

^ASL documentary was BA. This is Greg. He is the Sound guy.

^my co-worker and director of the project. Michael.

^in protest of Arizona's new law.

^Christine, Kyle, Chris and Anthony. We laugh a lot...

^at the embarcadero, I passed a man and we nodded at each other. He handed me this rose.

^Charlotte...spur of the moment weekend visit!

^City Cru end of the year celebration. I have learned that Gd is so in control of life. These people are angels.

when I grow up.

I am going to graduate college with a degree in HISTORY at San Francisco State University.

I am going to change my name.

Then I am going to get my MFA in POETRY at Seattle Pacific University.

I am going to publish a book of poetry and/or short creative non-fiction stories.

After that, I am going to move back to San Francisco and pay off my loans.

I might meet someone and be in a relationship for a year or two.

Then I am going to have a mid-20s crisis and shave my head and move to India or Africa.

I am going to come back and adopt a little girl and name her Annie.

Then I am going to start my community house.

I should be 30 years old by then.

Haight-Ashbury

Music

The Pretty Things:

Priscilla Ahn:

Procol Harem:

Alexi Murdoch:

Sufjan Stevens:

The Smart Brothers:

Metric:

Remy Zero:

New Light Ruins:

Visitors

Charlotte

Andy

Talia

Jason

Kelly

School

2 final drafts due

1 in class essay

1 take home final

Work

40 hours the week of finals

Move

rent a car

rent a storage space

pack!

I am this woman.

It's been a while. I apologize.

The last week I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.

The last three days I have been in the Library Annex for over 15 hours combined.

I have written 25 pages of scholarly analysis and argued my way into the 16th century world of women poets and the Jewish immigrant woman of the Progressive era.

I have had late night laughing fits with my co-workers and early morning tears at the overwhelming load I carry.

My therapist and I are preparing for our last two meetings, ever. I am really sad about this separation. Our relationship is like non other and I grieve that I will possibly never see her again.

Housing owns my soul.

I have to miss a meeting with my summer-camp counselors because of housing.

Jimmy is my best friend. Something happened in the last few days; a connection, a familiar spark.

I need a break. I have been sleeping very poorly and thinking too much. My thoughts have been racing through moving things, school things, work things, family things, friend things, life things, sad things, happy things, everything.

I am tired. I am homesick. I am excited to see Kim. I am excited to sleep in the guest room of my house.

Gd has been good to me. All the people who I've met this last year make me so thankful for Jesus. I cannot believe that I have made such lasting friends, already!

I am stoked to go home. And I am stoked to recount this last year.

I like who I am.

I don't say this to be selfish, but in the last couple of episodes of my life, I have enjoyed her. Even through the crazy. I anticipate, with smiles all around, the next episode!

pancakes, therapy, ASL, music, homesick

busy. overwhelmed. blessed. present.

I have three research papers due in less than a month. Two of them are near finished. One I haven't begun the research yet.

Today was the Jesus Pancaked day. Because my Bible Study and I feel that our relationship with Gd represents HOME, we thought, "what is home?" ... Pancakes. :) We set up a living room art installation in the quad on SFSU's campus and served free pancakes and gave our free books and Bibles. It was quite radical.

I am still able to have lunch with my friends in the Dining Center. I always make conversation with Deborah, the lunch lady.

I am interpreting in ASL for my friend Michael's documentary for his final project (before he graduates!) about the cochlear implant controversy between the medical and the Deaf community. I am not an interpreter, but I am really good at Sign Language, so Michael asked if I was avail and I was! It was so life giving to interact with the interviewees. I am a visual learner, so asl has always come naturally to me. I haven't used it in a little under a year, but it came back with a vengeance.

I created that folk music playlist and it has really gotten me through this week. I love music. I love sounds. I love words.

Interesting isn't it- this week has been so focused on therapy for me. Jesus was so involved in this week. I recognized Him. I sought Him out. I have not slept, but that's okay. I am helping people. I am helping myself.

hmm...only one more month and then I can go home.

I am most looking forward to playing with the D.R. boys, sitting on the red couch and drinking tea with Kim, making dinner with my mom, listening to my brother play the guitar, driving to my starbucks, driving to my Church. Starting a journey at Forest Home (I got Dean, btw!!!!) and meeting people, learning about them and me. So much to look forward to and so much to do now.

*sigh

the best mix ever...I call it:

Folk Procrastination.

Winter Song...Ingrid Michaelson

Babylon...David Gray

Abram...Jose Gonzales

Square One...Tom Petty

Small Blue Thing...Susanne Vega

Road...Nick Drake

Heaven's Gate...The Smart Brothers

someone that Charlotte put on a mix for me...it's a guy singing

Love and Some Verses...Iron and Wine

Fast Car...Tracy Chapman

Chicago...Sufjan Stevens

Orange Sky...Alexi Murdoch

Hallelujah...Jeff Buckley

Lille...Lisa Hannigan

9 Crimes...Damien Rice

Girlfriend in a Coma...the Smiths

Diamonds and Rust...Joan Baez

Closer to Find...Indigo Girls

Anchorage...Michelle Shocked

Hazy...Rosie Golan

Much Farther to Go...Rosie Thomas

storms and SUNSHINES

A lot of storms, but the sunshines were that much greater!

Storm: fighting over programs with a superior. I was fighting really hard for a co-worker and she will probably never know the extent of my defense for her and our job. Midterm drama. Covered two people's shifts at the DPRC and slept very little. Someone I know has an eating disorder, we think, and I have been designated to do the "intervention" and this person is irritable. A prayer night gone astray and a cancellation of an interpreting (ASL) job that I was really looking forward to.

Sunshine: I got promoted for my summer camp job. This is a serious highlight. Gd really honored a lot of things about this process and I feel really relieved and at peace. Remy took me out for lunch for my birthday. The conversation is always refreshing. The dance last night was amazing. I love dancing. I love dancing to hip hop, with an interpretive edge. I was complimented by a co-worker, who is a believer, who I have thing for.

That's all I can think of for now.

I am tired. In five weeks, I can go to the house I grew up and sleep. Eat healthy food and be surrounded by love.

lazy...

^ on my birthday

it's raining so hard right now. got back from Davis visiting Charlotte- amazing. listening to Coffee Talk with Linda Richmond aka: Mike Meyers. i feel pretty great right now. and very lazy. i have SO much homework to do. and no time. no time at all.

my birthday

It’s interesting, as you get older, perspective shifts.

I took notice today of the people who treated me as if they actually deeply cared that I was born and am a part of their lives. Some old friends remembered that it is not just Easter today. Some new friends realized that MLK (today is his assassination anniversary) is all the consonants in my name. I still haven’t heard from three very important people. I have heard from a ton of acquaintances.

Only one old friend called me to remind me that I am loved.

Only one new friend hugged me.

I have such good people around me. The ones who are far, the ones who are close. I am really blessed.

This morning my sister and her lovely bestest and bestest’s boyfriend took me out to brunch before Church. It was wonderful. They care. And I know it.

I made a pretty big decision about next year. I feel comfortable with it. Not in an unhealthy and under-enthusiastic way. I feel good. I do not feel good about this year. I don’t feel good that I am apathetic towards my current classes. That is so not okay. Dang.

I may or may not be writing this while I am on the can…

On a different note: the world commemorated something pretty huge today. The reconciliation of hope to teachers and students, leaders and followers. This day is when the truth was made clear. It was when the promise made complete. It was when freedom became tangible and eternity became relevant.

This excites me. I hope it excites you!

the san francisco contemporary jewish museum

hello intense.

a french jewish woman was so convicted when she read mein kampf, she began to reconcile through art. she painted and crafted over every single page. the whole book is now an exhibit. it is exceptional. it is beautiful.

a woman who is a scribe is working on writing a torah. she wasn't working because it is pesach, but we watched a video about her. she is incredible. she is strong. she is sensitive and she is passionate.

a collection of records of jewish people. from topal to babs, to dylan to twenty renditions of 'hava nagilla' and more. all on vinyl.

what a museum. something stirred in me to be a museum curator. to tell stories. to be creative with history. to be seen and unseen. to provide an avenue for artists and story-tellers, regular people who are phenomenal people.

pictures to come...

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed with peace.

I went to a prayer meeting that has been getting together weekly with my new Church. I love it. I love that the people are interested. I love that the people are interesting.

I had a long talk with another believer who is also an RA. I think I have made up my mind.

I will have a place to live next year. That excites me.

I am excited that my sister is in town. I am excited that we are semi-hosting a sort-of-seder meal on Thursday night. In this very moment, I am reminded of Lord Byron's words:

"there is a pleasure in the pathless woods/ there is a rapture on the lonely shore/ there is society, where none intrudes [...]"

community is

saving graces

^my beautiful campus...


^early morning hair fiasco...


^ birthday present. I have always wanted one. Isn't it beautiful?


^so happy!!!


^I am fish-sitting Yoshi for a week :)


^newest edition...


^ I love it...

^Past years...

I feel like a majority of my posts are rather upsetting and depressing...

Well, here goes another rant. I am spending my first Passover in my new city alone. Great isn't it. Passover is one of my favorite holidays. It is the third most important commemoration in my religion. It is the story of freedom and salvation. It is a story of social justice. Trust in Gd and in leadership. It is about people obeying and disobeying and Gd redeeming His promise. It is about inclusiveness. Passover is about community.

Last year, a certain group of people had a huge Pesach seder and I assumed that they would do that again this year. I found out that I am now uninvited, as are the rest of the young Messianic Jewish people in San Francisco. It's lame. I understand that they have specific people invited for evangelism and education. But I was under the impression that this place was a place for growth. Not exclusivity. Here is my perspective: I am more upset that I am alone, than I am that I was uninvited.

I am upset and I am depressed.

I am angry.

I am in love with someone and because I am scared of vulnerability, I haven't said anything.

I am poor. But, let's be real, I have more money that most of the world.

I have to make the job decision and I don't want to hurt people.

I have research to finish and outlines to write.

ugh. in a rut.

On a happier note: I got my second pair of TOMS shoes and my family's birthday box today!!

dichotomy

To be an RA, or not to be an RA. This is one of the hardest moments of my life, that I, am fully in control of (well, sort of...) I am not even going to rehash the details, asking everyone's opinion seems to drown out my own feelings about this.

Synopsis: I got a job at my summer camp. I am stoked. I smile just thinking about it. I also got accepted as an RA for next year. However, they have a 4 week training in the summer. It is almost impossible to do both. The summer camp speaks to my emotional and spiritual needs. The RA job means saving money and being close to a very good friend. Not taking the camp means I can attend all the weddings this year. Not being an RA means living in the heart of the greatest city in the world.

I don't like this. I don't like being pressured and I don't like disappointing people.

Sometimes I wish that I could be the Dude

oops

adventure!

"Make Yourself At Home"
is one of the freakiest movies you will ever see.

Jimmy and I went on an adventure to San Jose (by bus, Bart, foot and caltrain...) to watch that movie for the Asian American Film Festival! We had a fabulous time together!

On the way there, I pretended to be Deaf- Jimmy is a fast learner. The girl in the green shirt with the green bike knew I wasn't Deaf because she watched us laughing down the escalator.
We almost missed our bus, but we were helped by a Transvestite (side note: we saw her three separate times that night!). On the 1/2 hour bus ride from Fremont to San Jose, four guys, one old, one young, one nerdy and one married, had a loud conversation jumping from topic to topic: Hitler, Obama, Tiger Woods, religion, personal health problems, marriage, politics, drug reference and feminism- quite the entertainment!

Our night ended with singing Musicals on tall stairs by the airport before Erin picked us up!

It was splendid. We laughed the whole time. I am so glad I am friends with him. I am so glad I am friends with the other RAs...

the future

^Jimmy's shirt. It used to say SFSU AGENT FALL

homework sucks.

last week I had midterms, which went okay. Let's face it, I am not an intellectual. All my life, I have pushed myself to be one. I think that certain people will respect me more if I have Dr. before my name. So far, I have romanticized the idea of getting my Masters degree. I have so many research ideas; I get excited about these questions.

What was the level of Jewish women's activism during the suffrage movement? What place do second generation Messianic Jews have in the modern Jewish-American context? What was the Jewish community's role in the Civil Rights Movement? What organizations have Deaf people participated in, outside of the Deaf community? How have white women reconciled their push for equal rights in the midst of white supremacy around the world?

All of those questions are fascinating and have agency. I can do the research well, I just can't write about it well. I wonder what life has in store for me? All I know is being a student and life looking like a silver platter. All I know is simplicity and wealth. In all honesty, I find scholarship appealing because it puts off the real world. Getting higher education, for me, means that I will be encased in the past. Studying history is what I love and I would be doing it full time. I could put off social justice for a little longer. That responsibility scares me.

I wonder if I am going to get married? I wonder when I am going to die? I wonder how I am going to pay for all the weddings this summer? I wonder what will be said when Kim and I finally get to talk? I wonder how my training will go on Monday for the testing center's front desk? I wonder if anyone will go to my program about Passover? I wonder when Jesus will come? I wonder if I am wasting my life in school? I wonder if I truly grasp how lucky I am and how easy I have it.

But for now, Malka, you need to work on the three research papers.
-Jewish women in the Suffrage movement
-The Danse Macabre, 14th century Europe
-Jewish Divorce in the Middle ages*
*note: I want to change the last one to the nineteenth century

Wish me luck!


^ Chris and Christine Kernaghan...I took some baby-bump photos for them. They are the leaders of my city-cru Bible study on campus- they are radical!

friends and music

^Sweet Natalie and Christopher sent me this fabulous playlist.

Shabbat Mix

The Weepies

Tom Petty

The Shins

Bob Dylan

Stacks

Jars of Clay

Cat Power

The Kooks

Lisa Hannigan

Sufjan Stevens

Regina Spektor

Damien Rice

The Smart Brothers

Joni Mitchell

Belle & Sebastion

Alexi Murdoch

The Swell Season

polish

"Let the Living never give up Hope"

a Polish saying retold by members of the Vilna Ghetto resistance during WWII.

Oscars

^Kelly and I...

^the hospitality house

^myself, Sean and Ari

^Remy and I, apparently this was our prom picture from 1974...ha!

I almost cried- okay, I actually cried when Jeff Bridges and Mo'Nique won for best leading actor and best supporting actress.

I can sleep- okay, I can write my paper in peace now.

Gospel Gossip

I heard there was perfection once.

Then the world became the world of war.

People believed there was a Gd who chose them to advocate for peace.

But the mediation became subjective, somewhere down the line.

So that Gd made Himself an advocate, to teach the right way to perfection.

The people thought ritual would ensue perfection.

But the advocate said it was love.

By demonstrating that love, he reversed the war-world by dying.

But a miracle happened.

Gd chose to save the people from war.

Some people live by ritual still. Some people have misunderstood the love story.

But the reality of that LOVE -> restoring perfection, is relevant.

And I have heard it from my friends.

I have experienced it for myself.

And that is why I believe that advocate is the perfecter of all things: making death into life.

Turning war into love.

And so it is...

... storms and sunshine ...

Storm:

The protests are underway. The excitement we had last night {vandalizing, giant uncontrollable dance party and inebriated messes} took away from my enthusiasm for protesting today. I am irritated that there is loud music outside my window and that I won’t be able to participate in the support for my Professors’ and Lecturers’ rights.

Sunshine:

My friend’s and I had lunch together and it was so nice. We laughed a lot. One of them is being prayed for by a stranger. I am reminded to pray for all of them. We waved our hands in the air when there was an awkward moment. I lost all inhibition. I love the freedom feeling. I ate a really tasty hamburger.

march

Patty Griffin
Rain

Sylvia Plath
I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.

books.

As I am sitting at my desk, procrastinating, I look at my bookshelf.

I find it ironic that my two Chuck Klosterman books are siting next to my two Henri Nouwen books. Then I have four Bibles in a row (JPS Tanakh, Hebrew NT, NIV travel, NLT) and next to them is the Communist Manifesto, Steinbeck, Vonnegut, Salinger, Lauren Winner, Elie Wiesel and then another Bible.

On the bottom of the shelf I have the Holocaust Encylcopedia, Shakespeare's collected works, Poe, Rob Bell, W.E.B. Dubois, five collections of Primary sources and historical textbooks, Erica Jong and Churchill.

I like my books.

Now, off to actually write two short pages for my "voices of European women" and a research paper proposal for another history class.

ciao...

good sunday

today has been one...
Reality SF is a new Church plant in my city. This morning was my first encounter with their worship. I have been avoiding it because I don't like doing things that are popular and I have already found a great little Church.

The music, the teaching, the community was fabulous. I felt at home. I felt safe to dance- I think I will next time I go. A decision that was not too difficult to make involves a monthly Church schedule. I will go to Reality SF twice a month and the other two weeks I will go to DPC and at DPC I will teach Sunday school once a month, go to youth group three weeks a month and the Reality prayer-meeting once a month. This and the women's Bible study that I have with JFJ and then another one I have with city cru- I also have an individual jb meeting with Rachelle once a week; therapy; d-lab every Monday night. 15 hours a week between my two jobs and 12 upper-division unit classes.

Can anyone say burned out?

I felt refreshed this morning. I went to the SFpubliclibrary after Church and I got my hands on a very special book that is rare (published in 1912) and significant to my research. i felt like a real, big-girl historian. I liked that feeling.

passing

I realized that I have never gone in detail about my friend who died in Dec of '08.
The year of his death's anniversary I was going to write about him and post a picture. But I forgot to do that.

"Bend your knees and follow through"
^this is something that he had written on his facebook...he died from hanging.

I miss him a lot. Less so than the immediate days following, less than the 6 months, less than my missing him even the day before the year anniversary. I still shake when I think about that moment. But I will never forget him. I will never forget the things I loved about him. The things that bugged me about him. How it felt to hug him. I will never forget the phone call, where I was, who I was with. What I did. Who I called in panic. How i was angry that I wasn't crying and how I was embarrassed that I was shaking so much. How I comforted so many people around me and how little I was comforted. I am still sensitive about it. In my Holocaust and film class I still close my eyes at those scenes. I guess there is not much more to say. I feel like I keep belaboring the significance of his death in my life. It was huge. I feel that it still is. Anyway, this is us when we were working together at the Golden Spoon.

~RA~

Yesterday morning I had a meeting with Sh. I thought it was going to be an interview for next year for a job in housing. She offered me a job as a Resident Assistant starting this weekend. She asked if I needed time to think before accepting it. In the four seconds I had to wonder if I needed time to decide- in those four seconds, I could see Gd working.

Today I have moved almost everything in to my new apartment. I share with one other girl whom I have yet to meet. I have my own room. My old roommates took it well. They were quite happy, actually. But it doesn't really matter, cause I am happy too. I think that Gd knows my patience. He knows my limit.

So now I have dprc, as well as this RA job. Free housing. Free food. Hard work. Responsible for over two dozen residents. I am stoked. I am shocked. I am honored. I am nervous. I am really, really happy.

tattoo

I think this is going to be my birthday tattoo:

catchy title

^My hand and Charlotte, taken in 2006
I found something I had written in that same year:

My plans for the future.
College: Westmont, Cal State Northridge, SDSU, Palomar???
Major: Deaf studies, Hospitality, Art, Communications???
Jobs: ASL Interpreter, Pastor, social worker???

Funny how life works out in the end...

My schedule this semester:
Voices of European Women, The Renaissance, Holocaust and Film, History 300...
9 hours a week at the DPRC...
Friday night High School Youth group, personal development with Chelle, Therapy, a women's Bible study, woman's small group, City Cru Bible study, Sunday School, Prayer meeting, Church (x2)...
Another job lined up (interview is tomorrow!).
Sleep (40 hours a week).
Friends: all day, every day.

I am just tired.

I love being a historian. But I love listening and interacting with people much more than quote, unquote researching. I am at peace I think. Listening to good music and drinking a good cup of coffee.

So I am quitting smoking for reals. Not just because of the comments my mom gives every time I see her, and not just because lent starts tomorrow, and not just because I am volunteering with HSers. Not because I am going to die fifteen years earlier than everyone else. And not because I have no money; not because most of my friends don't smoke, or when I walk past someone, they can smell it.

But it's actually all of those reasons.

wish me luck!

It's going to be very, very difficult. No person is an island. I've been telling almost everyone, so that I can be kept accountable. I think some friends are gonna go out for dinner with me to Puerto Alegre (the best Mexican food in the whole City)...that will be good, relaxing. I am excited (Erin, Ariel and possibly Casey) they are all such good people. Hmmm...My friend's in San Francisco. I am majoring in U.S. History at SFSU. I am going out to buy an ink cartridge for my printer tomorrow. I have a job proctoring tests. I volunteer my time. I am conquering an addiction.

Funny how life works out in the end.


^ my friend Jovi painted this...