perfect family

I am here with my family in Connecticut.

We're sad about Michael Jackson. But we're glad to be together for my Cous's bar Mitzvah.

It was this morning and it was perfect. Ben has asbergers syndrome and we didn't know what to anticipate. Every single person who was related to Ben, who attended had role in the service. I chanted from the Torah, it was awesome. We all were crying and laughing. You could tell that the congregation was close and all inclusive. The DJ wasn't the best, but the older cousins (me, Syd and Charlie) and our Aunts (especially Cel) danced with joy. We were happy. And we didn't care what others thought (especially because the others were all 'us').

I must say, this morning was the most beautiful Bar Mitzvah I have ever been to.

Right at this moment, I am sitting on the back porch with Ben next to me. We are watching 11 of our cousins (plus three unrelated relatives and 1 second cousin once removed) playing soccer in the huge backyard. This is military housing and all the "backyards" are connected. The sun is setting. The eastern sky is illuminated with light reflected through clouds. I can see distant rain storms. Its crazy; I can see the actual path of the rain miles from me.



I just swatted a mosquito and I decided that i can never live here for the bugs. I have sensitive skin for bug bites, and I have a phobia of ants. The ants here are HUGE. I am so in love with my family right now. We (meaning cousins) have been discussing different themes in our family, from body shapes to conflicting childhood stories from our mothers, and tactile habits.

Sitting here, eating food. People are coming and going. I feel like this is the perfect kind of moment. It is lovely and good. yeah, we yell. We're Jewish. But we always love each other. And the fact that beyond any argument or rough spot, we can still celebrate a Bar Mitzvah and play soccer in a field of a backyard and this is it.

I just killed my twelfth mosquito...

rusty staples

Today is my Grandmothers birthday.

She is in her eighty's, but I don't know where exactly.

My cousin's Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow. I am reading the Torah tomorrow and I am so very nervous. It is really awesome to be with so much of my family. I really love them a lot. But it is interesting how our family unit collectively interacts. We've all been around each other for our whole lives, yet so many things happen individually. Like my friend dying. This doesn't affect my extended family in the least. They were sad to hear of it, but not all of them heard what happened. It didn't resonate with them. And the first cousin to graduate college was this May. We are so proud of her! But we have an uncle who is an attorney, two PhD's in the family and almost everyone has a good job, and went to college. So when things in our lives, boyfriends, or even birthdays go by- we're always staples, just uninformed ones. Maybe a little rusty too.

But I love them. Dearly. And forever. Even through the yelling, and the frustration. And the competition and confusion. The celebrations and gossip.
I love them.

southwest or bust

I am a huge SouthWest fan.
Just gonna put that out there.
I've flown with them dozens and dozens of times and I have never had as horrible a flight as it was going to las vegas (our layover). I can't even case the first letters because it was that bad. We were over an hour late, and the flight attendants were awful. Here is one scenario (this really happened)
FA: What can I get you to drink?
Mom: Oh, would it be alright if I got a water and a sprite?
FA: No.
Mom: Oh, umm...
FA: I have 150 people on a 50 minute flight, I won't have time.
Mom: Okay, I'll have whatever is easier.

The following conversation is one I made up in my own head if I were to be of confrontational nature:

FA: What can I get you to drink?
me: Can I get a strawberry daiquiri?
FA: Honey, we don't have mixed drinks here.
me: well, the thing is, I have a coupon for one.
FA: I have 150 people on a 50 minute flight, I won't have time.
me: honey, if you find this job too difficult, maybe you should go back to stripping.

I am such a horrible person for even thinking that. But it was kind of true. And she was hot, not going to lie. Our pilot was the best thing about it, He was really communicative. I appreciate that. After the woman two rows ahead of me stopped throwing up, we landed. And it was raining.

We ran, and I mean, sprinted past the gambling machines and bars to get to our connecting flight. I made friends with the coolest 7 and 10 year olds. We talked and I taught them sign language. We're all from the same city and it turned out they were on the vegas flight too.

So now, I am in Rhode Island. Strange place. I am just glad to be done with the first flight anyway. And in about two hours, I get to see the people we are here for, and I am soo excited!

:)

airports and chocolate

Sitting in the San Diego International airport- I can see my parents sitting across from me. My brother is sick, so we have to be nice to him.
I have never sat at gate 1 before. It's strange because I have traveled so much this year, yet I have never been to this part of the airport.
Since May 2008:

To New York, layover in Missouri.
To Israel, layover in Amsterdam.
To India, layover in Istanbul.
To New York, layover in Paris.
To San Diego, layover in Kansas City.
To San Francisco (2x).

All those places I have either been alone or with friends.
I am traveling with my family for the first time in over a year and half. It is rather obnoxious, not going to lie. My mom is trying to talk to the security guard. My brother forgot his ID and my dad is forgetting where he put our boarding pass.

I love traveling alone. And I love traveling with one other person. I also love to travel with a group of ten or more. But when it is 4, 5, 7, it is just no bueno.

We are going to Connecticut for my cousins Bar Mitzvah.
Now, to explain a little, I have a HUGE family. My mom is part of a family of ten, my father one of seven. I have ten Aunts. Nine Uncles. And thirty four cousins.

Usually, everything comes to CA for weddings, funerals, holidays, parties, and Bat/Bar Mitzvahs. But this time, we have an east coast adventure. And it sucks because not all of the siblings on my mom's side are coming because they can't "afford it". I mean, how many times have the out of states come to us for our parties?

Oh well, For me, this family is so worth it. They are so weird, but thats okay, because they are family, you know?

Well, they're calling us up. And I have melted chocolate I need to inhale.

Today I ...

Today I went shopping with my friend Charlotte.
We bought a lot of clothes, for not a lot of money.
We fed two homeless women and prayed with one of them.

I postponed my jury duty. I still need to call my dentist.
I talked to two friends in Israel today. One this morning. One just now.
I haven't had a cigarette.
I feel good. I feel alive.
I feel like Gd has just reminded me why I chose Him.
I don't feel like cleaning my room. But I need to.

It's just one of those days when your spirit feels light.
I am excited about the roadtrip I am going on with Jamie.
I am excited about my cousin's Bar Mitzvah.
I just found out that I got accepted into the housing at SFSU.
I finally figured out that I feel the same way about my Pastor and Obama.
I really like Sprite.

I am especially excited, though, about my friends in Israel, because they are reconnecting with people we met last year. I have been praying for those people all year, and I miss them and I love them. I am in joy right now that they are having coffee and hanging out together. That excites me.

It also excites me that my friend Ariel is coming down tomorrow. Me and her and Aaron are going to the Museums. I am excited to see those and to be with them.

Amen to a good day.

Shabbat

Shabbat Shalom! And what a shalom shabbat it is :)



Hebrews 4
Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts [...] those who enter Gd's rest also rest from their own work, just as Gd did from His. Let us therefore, make every effort to enter that rest , so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of Gd is alive and active. Sharper than any double edged sword [...] Nothing in creation is hidden from Gd's sight.

I find this exhilarating. It is truth. It is powerful. It is beautiful.
That we were made to be in community, and we have examples of that.

My friend Aaron and I spent the afternoon making grilled cheese and tomato soup and cartoons for our friends in Israel, whom we miss very very much. I love that. I love that I have been given a friend like him (not to exclude other friends I have, whom I also love) to laugh and goof off, and still be resting in the peace of rest.

I was prayed over by my friend's mom. She is a mentor to me. A woman who I respect a lot. She has a powerful intuition of spiritual needs and guidance and wisdom. She beholds truth and gives and gives and gives. Her words of comfort and petition and urgency and love gave me rest.

The car ride home was great, I got to listen to new music (Greg Laswell, William Fitzsimmons and Ingrid Michaelson). They are old favorites which I just recently downloaded to my little ipod. Driving in the overcast over the 52 freeway gave me rest.

To give the thanks of this first day of rest to a Gd who loves unconditionally and forgives wholly and blesses magnificently, is my idea of rest. Shabbat Shalom friends :)

The action kind of LOVE

Just finished watching Kramer vs. Kramer.


It is a powerful movie and I highly recommend it. Mother walks out on father and son. Pre separation, father was neglectful to relationship, but soon learns to love his son and they develop a healthy, humorous and habitual lifestyle together. Mother comes back and wants custody. Mother gets it, even though father makes excellent points and works his ass off...But in the the end all things work out for the father and son's benefit.

I don't think the movie is about love though. I think it is about learning. Learning how to love.
But not love by itself. That is too simple. And we as humans are more complex than that. We don't just love someone. We lose ourselves for that person. We make sacrifices. We don't just get offended. We don't just ask for forgiveness. There is more behind the story than the end result. There are deeper thought processes, and vocal dialogue and long histories that belong to people.
Love isn't love without action is it?

The relationship I have with my parents.
Maybe it is because I have lived with them a year too long, but I am so over it. I am so over being told that because of my tattoo's I cannot drive to L.A. That because of “mistakes” I have made, the consequences ensue that I am unfit to make any sort of decision for myself. I want to scream inside my skin. I want my pms tears to communicate that I have the ability to take responsibility. I want them to forgive and forget. Is that possible? Is that right? I want respect. I want trust. Have I earned it?

Tonight is my first “shabbat” that I am keeping holy. And I have already cussed my dad out inside my own head. I am starting to keep the sabbath as a day of rest, a habit I think is lost in my own life. This was told to me by someone I don't even like, but respect. I am learning to love her. And by participating in a full day of prayer, which was originated by the Gd that binds us together, I am doing love. And by calming down and writing this, I am cooling down from me and my father's argument, I am also doing love. I love my dad. I love that college graduate. But I am still angry and hurt by past (in some cases, back to high school) instances. Doing love is painful. It is really, really hard.

How ironic that I am taking a day to show my Gd that I am thankful for His ever present mercies and final and purposed action of love (death and resurrection), and within the first few hours, I am feeling unstable and emotional and angry. Were there a guide book that gives a precursor to “love action” that says you might regret it sometimes, but in the end there will be blessings. Pinky swear.

I miss movies like K v. K. It proves that humanity is not simple. There is nudity, but no sex. There is profanity, but it is realistic and appropriate (as much as it can be).
Connections are not always rational or relative and they are complex and scary, and they are full and ...and without the Gd of hope, can we fully engage in them. Can we fully participate in love.

The action kind of love.

Kisses all around

Ingrid Michaelson's new single, Maybe

It is good. It is really good. I met her last year, and she is wonderful. I think her concert was one of the most breathtaking musical moments of my life. You know that musician that you were the first person to introduce your friends to her, and all of a sudden they become famous and everybody knows and loves them? Well, Ingrid Michaelson was mine. Her music answers a lot of my questions. I won't go as far to say that I make life-changing decisions based on her lyrics; but I will say that it helps to not feel alone. Makes and breaks certain moods. Her contribution to my own life through music has made me a better person, I think.


And then she reminds me of my friends. The ones who I have been walking through life for a decade, or on and off a few years, or even less than a year. Time is inconsequential, I think. Had breakfast this morning with Lauren. She is a gem. And absolute beautiful creature of this world. She is strong and gracious. She is quick to laugh and to give. A lot of reconciliation is going on in her life and I am proud to call her my friend. And in just a few moments I am going laptop shopping with Natalie and Christopher. They have been a couple for a long time. And they are both college graduates. Natalie is my mama. She is organized and resourceful. Probably the most resourceful person I know. She tells it like it is. Even the hard stuff. She is beautiful, even when she says things I don't want to hear, I know that there is a love that binds us, and so I accept it. Christopher is my male counterpart. I swear we are the same person with different genitalia. He is always willing to talk things out. Willing to be goofy, and then serious in the same day. Willing to trust and is very trustworthy. He is really funny. And he is also very wise.


These friends (and obviously I have more, whom I adore very much) and Ingrid Michaelson (need I say that I also have other artists who do this, but for the purpose of tying things together...) all have to do with love and connection. We are all connected. We all have stories and relationships. We all need one another. And that is why, although shit gets rough and tangled, we are all here and need each other.

So give the person you love a kiss.
That's what I have been doing and it seems to be working. At least most of the time. :)

I am Deaf

I just spent the morning with little M, my spiritual mentor's best friend's daughter and she is Deaf. And I had a lunch of bread, cheese and chocolate cake (Mazel Tov Jeremy on your graduation from Seminary!!)... just had to add that in there. The chocolate cake too...


First off, I adore this family. The mama is an artist and the papa is a Pastor. They live in the Bay area, woohoo! Second, I am near fluent in American Sign Language. Third: little M has a cochlear implant.

For those that don't know, this is a device that is surgically implanted into a deaf person's ear, more specifically their cochlea. The science is pretty complicated, but ultimately these magnetic things send charges to cause the little hairs which determine our hearing to vibrate and create sound.
She is about 13 months old.
In the Deaf community, this topic is outrageously debated, almost to the point of idiocy. I have experienced some people losing friendships over it and can be quite devastating, as all conflicts can be. Some people believe that Deafness is not a disability and therefore doesn't need to be fixed. They celebrate their Deafness, and urge others to do the same. Other people mourn the hearing loss of their child, or friend because they will have no interaction with music and other sounds of pleasure. To never have had lived without sound, most people take it for granted. The family of little M were the latter. And even though some of my closest friends are Deaf, and I probably wouldn't personally give my Deaf child the implant, I completely respect their family's choice. I believe that they prayed about it and decided that what was right for their family structure was for her to have the implant. And I support that decision, because there isn't direct harm to me, her parents chose this out of love for their daughter and I will support and cherish little M, implant or not.

Hanging out with little M today was one of the most amazing babysitting experiences I have ever had. Mama wrote out perfect instructions and little M and I played in the grass, took naps, ate(a LOT: quesadilla's, carrots, grapes and chicken) and had a pretty rad "change of the diaper" escapade. I wish it had been videotaped. She was crying because half of her implant magnet thingy had fallen off, and I have never changed with clothe diapers before. I tried to tickle and coo, and she wouldn't have it. I opened up the neatly packed diaper and lo and behold. Fresh carrot-poo. Good times, to say the least. It's in moments like those when I could tell you then and there that kids are just not for me. But then when I walked into her room after her second, 2 hour nap, she looked at me (without her aids in, so she was completely deaf) and she smiled and held her arms out for me to hold her. In times like those, I would gladly mother twelve children!

Spending eight hours with a Deaf child made me realize that I am too deaf. I am deaf to the wind that kisses my cheek almost every day. To the words of wisdom of my parents; I am so over them. But it is no excuse to ignore them. I am deaf to warning signs like, oh maybe, it is life threatening and unhealthy, you might get pregnant, you could die, get jailed, or fined and it is causing the people who look up to you to be dissolutioned with reality and following G-d. I am deaf to G-d's own voice. And I know it is there. I've heard it before.

When little M awoke from her first nap, she was crying for some reason or another and I couldn't seem to settle her down (not with food, smiles or dance) so we went to the backyard and sat on one of the chairs. We just sat there. Her deaf little self was quiet. She was staring off into the sky and being. I felt the wind caress both our bodies. And I felt little M shiver. She sighed and turner her chubby little body to me.

I felt G-d.

And from a thirteen or so month old to teach me that one of the best ways to listen, is to sit in quietness. Turn my deafness towards evil, so that I can more fully concentrate on the beauty and peace from Yeshua. She sat there, not being distracted by the chirping of birds, or airplane jets, or the neighbor who was barbecuing, or anything else. She just sat and saw what she saw and was satisfied.

Jewish, Jesus and just trying to figure it out ...

Just went to a presentation with David Zadok who works for CWI (Christian Witness to Israel). When my Ema and I met up with him afterwords, I got to practice my incredibly rusty Evret (Hebrew) and as it turns out, he knows some of the same people I do within the Messianic world. Now, to be strait: Messianic Jews (such as myself) will often describe their beliefs as this: We are by heritage and culture Jewish, however, we believe that Jesus is the Messiah and we are no longer tied down to the traditions, or the mitzvot that were previously commanded. There is definitely more that I could add on to this description, but I choose not to at the moment only because I will most likely go into it in the following paragraphs. :)

I got to thinking about the said Messianic tradition. It is ancient (as far back as Yeshua) and it is very American. I say this while my jaw is clenched. American Messianic Judaism is very unique and quite far from Israeli Messianic Judaism. The culture, the traditions, the community, the literature- each one has its own difference, and I would go as far to say, at least in my own experiences, that they have less in common than not.

American Messianic Judaism, from first hand experience, is totally evangelically minded. And quite grounded in tradition. There is a freedom to eat kosher, keep the Sabbath on Saturday, and attend Synagogue during the High Holy Days. While these traditions are not binding to our relationships with G-d, they are a reminder that we are different and have a unique calling to a unique people group. One that is close to G-d's heart.

And then there are the organizations. Oy vey! Jews for Jesus, Chosen People, Hineni Ministries, CWI, UMJC, MJAA, etc...And then there are the pamphlets, the complimentarian (thanks Aaron) Synagogues, forums, seminary, mentors, doctorate manuscripts, and personal opinions, etc...And then there are those people who are not really Jewish, and want to be cool and so they pretend and basically adopt our ethnic traditions. And then there are people like me who grew up in a family that was rich with traditions and Bible stories. Totally in love with Yeshua because our mothers and fathers were involved in the revival movement in the 60s and 70s. Then all of a sudden we realize that our identity has to change because our "religion" is changing. We're no longer under our parents jurisdiction and we have to make our commitment to Yeshua, and to evangelizing and whether or not we attend a Church, or a Synagogue, or want to move to Israel, or go on staff with one of those organizations, or to eat kosher, and how we're going to raise our kids, and all that jazz...

So basically this is going no where. I mean, what is my problem anyway? Do I have a legitimate argument or question? Everything about it, to me at least, is at a dead end. And this might just be because I am not up to date on Messianic literature. I have to decide, at some point though, if I agree with non-Jewish Christians going to Israel to share the good news? Do I think all Jews should go back to Israel? Do I think that I am personally responsible and gifted with evangelism to Jewish people? Would it be not right if I became a Rabbi (questioned because I am a woman)? Am I even spiritually fit to be a Rabbi? Do I think that the evolving Messianic movement should even have Synagogues? Or should we all be integrating into Churches? Or should we all be in Israel? Would it be bad if I went to Africa and missioned to gentiles? My goodness, all these questions for someone who isn't even sure what she believes anymore and isn't quite ready to admit that to her people.

Actually, it is probably the fact that I am not spiritually right with G-d in this particular season of life. And therefore, all the decisions regarding the defense of my faith seem irrational. Like, I am just sitting at a train station, and I have all these possible destinations. There is this one train that I started on, but it is getting kind of boring because I am lonely on it. So I try some others. But none of them have the rewards as the one I am on. So I just have to go back, and sit alone until the train picks up more people. Then I will be content.
It's not perfect. The analogy I mean. But it works, I think.

As for my opinions, deep theological ones and social breaking boundaries ones, I need to be become more learned about those things. I have some pretty intense debates, but ultimately there needs to be more dialogue and honesty in the Messianic community. There needs to be room for the younger generations (most of whom are second generation believers) and there needs to be respect for the wisdom of the older guys...

I think I am safe to say that this is the most random and confusing blog I have ever written. Thank goodness I am done writing it.

The end.

class of 2009: awe

Just returned from Grossmont High School's graduation, and my friend Charlotte's grad party. The graduation itself was nice and short. They mentioned our friend who died this past year. The salutatorians speech was clever and also short. Almost everyone of my "kiddos" received awards. And even to the ones who didn't: I am proud of ALL of you!
They have worked so hard all these years.

I cried a little.

Charlotte gave me (well, I payed for it) their class' book of artwork, poetry, prose and pictures. It is called, "Obra: Revelations" and when I got home, a few moments ago, I poured over the pages in awe. They are so talented, all of them.

I read poems and saw pictures that I have seen before, as well as new ones. The content is rich and mature. It is empowering and deliberate. I am impressed. Secretly I was glad that I got in this booklet as well (a picture I took, shadows of me, and a poem's verse that refers to me and my friends).

But it is less of the individual and more about the community of students, my friends, who compiled this work. I am not looking forward to watching them grow up. Although in some cases I already have. We are a community.

Class of '09, I applaud you! I am proud of you. Always look forward in hope and remember your accomplishments with humility. I love you all! :)

The Start of Something New

The end of my semester has come. 3 A's, 1 B, 1 C... Not my ideal grade point average, but it'll do. I think I deserve those grades. Now I have all the time in the world, seeing that I don't have a job, and can no longer be considered a student (at least for the nest three months)(and that is also only an official title. I think everyone is a student until they can no longer think...but that's another story).

Hmmm...I wonder if I still want to major in Jewish Studies?

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." -Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind
I think I am going to catch up on movies. I haven't seen a movie in a while. Or at least a classic film. I am going to rely on my trusty Allison and Steven duo. Al is an actress. Stevo is a musician. We have late night 'cheesy bread movie night dates.' I like them a lot! Al and Steven, as well as our movie dates.

"This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force." -Dorothy Parker
My Engl Prof gave me this quote last night, our last class together. I've taken Rob Williams twice and I would gladly take him again.
I think I am going to actually finish books this summer. I will often pick up a book, fall in love with it, and then never finish it. I have yet to "read" Jesus for President, Traveling Mercies, Slaughter House Five, The Bell Jar and Makes me Wanna Holler. I want to read. And I want to write. I want to put together all the snippets I've collected of eavesdropping on others' conversations, or interactions with me. I want to finish my poems. Organize.


"If music be the food of love, play on." -William Shakespeare
I am going to eat this summer. Really, I want to have at least two full meals a day and some snacks and chocolate. I rarely had time to sleep, let alone eat...always running around doing something. So I am going to eat! And I am excited
I am also planning on putting together music playlists for people. I've made one that I am very excited about. I've named it "edit" because I keep changing it. But I really do like it so far...


And this means, if I am going to be reading, watching and eating, that I will most likely be smoking. And that means I will spend too much time at my trusty *bucks...


And cleaning my room...


dyeing my hair...


praying for my dear friends in Israel...

(http://massah.us/)

And being...
Just learning how to be. Resting. In peace.
That is my goal for the summer.
To find PEACE. I don't want any drama. I don't want any hurt feelings. Or sad feelings. I don't want there to be any deaths. Or accidents. Or illness. Or frustration. Or sex. Or babies. Or marriages. I want to figure out what this whole thing, following Jesus, really looks like. For reals. yo. ugh. Maybe I am just a romantic. But maybe, the next three months can prove that it might not be so bad. Being a romantic, I mean.
Remind me, in three months, if I've done any of these things. I want to remember this one...