"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.” -Boris Pasternak
I am between classes right now, and will be getting up soon to make brunch for myself. Possibly granola with blueberries and milk. :)
I picked up a journal a few moments ago. It's a blue/teal color. It is full of Megan's 12-14 year old thoughts to me. From 2002 to '04 she wrote to "me" in the hopes I would read it. In between actual entries, she would add quick and easy multiple choice questions, such as "who is my favorite actor?" and harder ones such as, "What year did the Dragons Head begin [in Harry Potter]." Other additives like homework given to buy her candy and call her to tell her what I thought of the journal so far.
One entry that got me crying in particular was on September 22, 2003:
"uhhh, there was something I was going to say... I know it... *scratches head* let's see. * * * ten minutes later... I REMEMBER! I was going to say that I had a really good time at Church, and that it meant a lot to me when you leaned your head on my shoulder. You are my best friend in the world and I love you too much for words. Isn't it funny how none of our fights have lasted longer that a few days? We're too good."
I have made a lot of mistakes, especially with Megan's heart and our friendship.
I guess I feel really bad that I didn't give her back the attention she gave me, or that she deserved[s]. She is so generous and kind. Her gentle nature and pure spirit give me hope that such things exist. She feels so deeply. And I love her muchly.
^ at a Church for during Halloween season in 2002 or 3...
It takes the entirety of Ingrid Michaelson's new album, Everybody for me to get to Dolores Park.
I saw a sign that said, "Feel Better Naturally."
Two girls who, by their appearances, just got done with softball practice were bickering for three stops and a man sat next to me who had a sweet head of hair (or lack of: blonde, thick curls, however he was balding).
^my neighbors and new friends: Garret, Andrew and Casey
It's quite hot here the past few days. I had dinner with the Seigers last night and saw Inglorious Bastards. It made me laugh, it made me cry. Tarantino has a way with images and words that always works for me. I came home last night and there were two boys just wandering around my kitchen and my roommate, as I heard it, had let them in in a drunken state. Cool.
I have had a first day taste of my classes for this Fall semester. I feel I have been so busy. Wandering around the city by muni and going to classes through the chaos of the first week of school.
I have made friends too, yay. Lea is one. She is a fellow Messianic Jew and we have really connected. The City Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) crowd (that is a mouthful). One of the five Jewish Studies students, Aaron. Some Hillel folk. Three guys down the hall from my apartment. My roommates and I have really bonded over the last week and the Professor of two of my Jewish classes who happens to be the Chair of the Jewish Studies department as well. I have been catching up with two of my teachers from my Junior College.
So what is Jewish?
I stumbled upon some very dear friends handing out Jews for Jesus tracts. Coincidentally my Prof mentioned it in his opening lecture of my Intro to Jewish Studies class. The book I am reading for it is fascinating. It expounds upon the idea that Judaism is, basically, divided into an Orthodox religion and purely cultural experiences. The G-d whom is depicted is terrifying and misleading. I wouldn't follow that G-d.
I have an idea of what I know as Jewish and what I think Jewish should be. I have working hard with my heart and mind and G-d to not predetermine what other people think, say my fellow classmates and Professors. I pray that I would be sensitive with the conversations that are unavoidable and encouraged when I seem to be proven wrong (I know myself, this is unavoidable).
So what is Jewish? I appreciated reading that Judaism, and I paraphrase, is living in covenant with G-d sacrificially, often and passionately. As well as adhering to the "sacred word" and "sacred action" which the Torah, given by G-d, by the hand of Moses, commands. While it also may mean strict guidelines that are physically shown (circumcision and Kashrut) and a bloodline from Abraham to Moses on, I have a strong conviction that it is being Messianic-minded. After all, there is a strong hope in this religion and culture. And hope means life, and how perfect is it that the most brilliant life ever lived was a Jew? My heart is at peace. I know when I get into these conversations of defense for my faith, I will have ground for what I believe as truth.
I hope my views fly, because they are here to stay.
Yesterday was so great. Belated Shabbat Shalom! I took the Muni for the first time by myself to visit my Uncle and Cousin for lunch. We ate at Tartine's, a delicious and crowded bakery. Later we walked around Mission, shopped, got gelato. We also found a cute bookstore that had my painting of ballet feet: Rob and Sienna in front of their sweet ride for the weekend:
Last night my roomies and I had a dinner/movie night. It was so much fun to just chill out in our apartment together. We watched Requiem for a Dream. It was so intense. I didn't like it at all. But I am pretty sure anyone who sees that will never use drugs. ever.
While I was on the Muni this morning, I found that the soundtrack for Juno was pretty great. Talk about a movie that is the opposite of intense. Honestly, it is so perfect, that little movie. Got a little worship with Phil Wickham in. I made friends with an Argentine man. His name is Rustian. I think. I wrote a little something something to pass the time:
I see a green home next to one with a cross displayed.The man next to me stairs gently ahead. everyone on the bus look and looks ahead and no one speaks. The silence is broken by the tap of my shoe as I listen, listen to my music. Today is Freewheelin' tomorrow might be Best Of... Now there is a child in front of me. He reads to himself. There is no time to be sad when your young. That's what they used to say at least. I make eye contact with a man who is divided from me by fiber glass and metal. He is a man of the street, wearing a white suit that is wrinkled from the long time gravel bed. He lifts his keys as if he is raising a glass of champagne. I nod and smile to him, but he does not see me. Nor does he need me really. I am just a passing face, a passing person, a passing soul. I'm on a bus. It's a snake, it's phallic, it's a song, it's a memory, it's dirty. Another man of the street is walking back and forth. He is black, black as the tires of my train. He wears a purple hat. He holds his hands as if he is calming someone down. He looks up and he looks down, but he never looks to the right or left.
I called my friend Remy last night for his birthday. He is 20. And is in India right now. After about an hour of trying to get international calling cards, I finally figured it out. Turned out I totally didn't need to pay $11 for it. But oh well. I think it really meant a lot to him that I did that. And it meant a lot to me too. I love him and his voice was so pleasing to listen to. Like an old friend. Just visiting.
I am reminded of feelings of satisfaction. Arriving at a destination that you did all by yourself. Going out of your way to wish someone well across the world. Writing, listening to music, listening to the rhythm of reality. It's nice to feel these things again. Call it an out of body experience. My days to come will change me, and my goal is that they are for the better.
Funny story: On the corner of Haight and Ashbury and a homeless woman sticks her cup-filled hand out from inside a trashcan. I was so taken aback, I screamed. A group of people on the street were laughing and laughing. I was so embarrassed. :)
I feel like I know that area so well, after getting lost yesterday with Brooklyn and going again today with the Dudas family. They helped me lower my bed and move my dresser. Downtown, we spent a lot of time at Amoeba's. It's a radical, overwhelming, beautiful record shop. I bought:
Bob Dylan Freewheelin' and Blood on the Tracks Juno soundtrack The Allman Brothers Band Brothers and Sisters
Ariel and I, later in the evening, had in'out, we spend some time at her place and visited with her parents. Then we went out to see a movie. I love knowing people here. I love that I can visit Ariel, whenever I want really. I love that I can laugh and have good conversation with her and her parents.
Tomorrow I have lunch plans with my Uncle and cousin in the Mission. So far, that is my favorite district. And my Uncle is showing me a place on 18th that is a french bakery.
With all of this going on, all of my free time spent with old friends- I am so enjoying my space here. But I also look forward to meeting new people.
I met a bunch of folks at the Hillel house and had a dream with all of them in it. I pray that whatever my future with them looks like, it will be one of peace and respect. I heard that my friend, another Jewish Believer, was in contact with them and I hope that we can connect the same way.
I am nervous for school to actually start. And I am nervous for some relationships to grow, and/or not. I am excited for the wind to be blowing. And I am excited to begin an adventure that is known by Gd.
^my pantry...I got the good stuff (oh, and there is Tuna behind the cups on the second shelf)
^what I will be looking at for the next eight months for inspiration while I write my "Jewish" papers...
I am here and after barely leaving the campus and spending less than 24 hours in the city itself, I know I am meant to be here.
Tomorrow I already have plans with my friend Sarah; we're going on an adventure with BART to go downtown. I am planning on inviting myself over to the Sieger's home, I have to meet up with Ashley cause she has "important news" and on Sunday (only possibly) I will get to see Nat and Topher.
My roommates are nice enough. All three of them are Freshman. Which I think is awesome of Yeshua to place me with three young and impressionable girls. They seem very excited about life. This makes me excited.
Tonight the RA planned a movie night, but I opted to stay in and organize. This is an old habit: I recluse from everyone and then claim to be lonely. So, I hope this doesn't gain momentum into old depressive thinking. Time will tell.
My search for a Therapist begins!
I feel that the Spirit is with me. And this makes all the difference. Right? I mean, I feel a light in this place. In a college. In my dorm. I claim it to Gd. And that is the biggest difference, right!?
Last night there was a dinner with old family friends. I figured out a lot of things about myself last night. What I do does not define me, and safety isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it takes older and wiser faith family members who have walked with you for ten years to gain clarity on life.
When you've got a sentimental heart, everything is connected. And everything is an ideal (and an ordeal). And everyone supports you, or by some cosmic mishap, everyone is out to get you.
Expectations are so dangerous.
My friend Charlotte and I were running errands today (of course this ended with us buying unneeded clothes) and we listened to an old CD. On this record I found, titled, Amma- on it is myself and my friend Megan. We were 15 years old when a guy named Mitch thought we had something going for us. There are about ten songs on the CD and some sounded really good. Most of the songs are about love and relationships. We were 15, so you could say the depth was missing.
Charlotte reminded me that right after we recorded this "album" we were listening to it on headphones and Megan stated that the song, Beautiful Girl, which I wrote and sang was and I quote, "better than an orgasm."
Again, we were 15. As Charlotte recalls, I told Megan that she shouldn't say that because none of us new how great an orgasm is.
Today, whether any of us know what an orgasm is, having a connection that goes back to five years, and another five years before that for me and Megan, I am feeling heartbroken to leave.
Having dinner with friends who get me.
Hugging a youth pastor for the last time and choking back tears.
Listening to an old and bad CD of myself with a beautiful woman.
Eating a salad at Souplantation with Lauren, looking up and realizing that she is laughing at me for dragging the cookie on my emptied plate to get the remains of the salad dressing.
Looking around my room without my wall decorations and without my books.
500 Days of Summer- The Smiths Away We Go- Alexi Murdoch Funny People- Wilco
Bought my first TOM's shoes today. When you buy a pair of these really cute shoes, another one is sent to an orphanage in a third world country. http://www.tomsshoes.com/content.asp?tid=227 Normally, people can order online, but I didn't feel like paying for the shipment or waiting, so while I was in Hillcrest for a lunch with my History Prof and friend, Devon, I headed down to MINT where Nancy, a chic who was wearing a Gogol Bordello t-shirt, sold me these shoes. I don't think I have ever spent this much money on any one item in my life. $51.24. I have a feeling that is the best fifty bucks I will have spent this year.
While I was in Hillcrest, I saw a sign with a photograph of Sean Penn. It was artsy, black and white, he was holding a cigarette. In small print it read, "San Diego Museum of Art [blah blah blah]." It dawned on me that I won't ever be able to see that exhibit for the rest of my life. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but there is definitely a sense of urgency to my leaving southern CA. I am nervous and so excited. Devon wrote me the sweetest note and one part surprised me. She wrote something along the lines of me blowing SFSU's Jewish Studies Department away. I guess I haven't thought about the educational aspect of my move. Which is silly, because of course, that is why I am moving. It makes me more excited than nervous thinking about the school part.
Even while my room is totally disorganized and my lunch, breakfast, dinner, coffee and beach dates are filling up, I feel a sudden sense of peace. Everything will work out. And I will have that freedom, of public transportation and intellectual dialogues.
But I still encourage everyone in my community to get a skype. Cause I am going to miss everybody and want to see their faces...
Carlos Galvan gave me a gift of a photo shoot today...http://www.carlitosgalvan.com/_/Home.html Have you ever felt beautiful because of another persons lens? Me and Kate met in math class last year. We had a fun time. And we're friends. This makes me glad.
It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I just realized something: I am moving exactly two weeks from today. crap. I haven't emailed nor have I called everyone I need to see before I leave. My room is a mess, let's not even get started on packing. I have four bags of books and a bookshelf that is not quite empty.
It is definitely one of those moments where I think to myself, "How could I not have seen the urgency in being organized?" I have a crazy two weeks ahead of me. I pray for peace.
Being home after a journey is always so good. The peace that you bring back with you to a stable place is a peace I like and want to keep. VBS (Vacation Bible School) is on this week. I am a scribe in the marketplace in "ancient rome" and so far, so good. While I am tapping into my artistic side with india ink, canvas and wax, I have been thinking a lot.
Jamie and I had an amazing road trip to Illinois. I will remember that journey as one filled with laughter, prayer, freedom and love. Our soundtrack was basically Sufjan Stevens, Jon Foreman, Sara Groves, The New Pornographers, and Phil Wickham. We stopped a lot of places on the way there, such as Bryce Canyon, Yellowstone, and Mt Rushmore- most of the trip was the view. No one ever told me that lightening storms outside of CA are breathless! When we arrived in Aurora, our friends welcomed us to their home with grateful hearts and real love. The spent was so restful and good. Gd met us perfectly.
Thinking about my last days here in SD, they are bittersweet I think. I have so many people to see, so much to pack up, put away and clean. I will miss many many people. But I am also super excited that I get a chance to experience freedom, with the friend in Yeshua that I have.
I had lunch with Daniel, the youth pastor from my church and my friend. We have had some strained times lately and to sit and eat and be honest with one another was healthy. He fits in a definition somewhere between a brother and a father. You know the love for someone that is neither platonic or romantic. It is just a family love. I have that for Daniel. He is right though, I care too deeply about what I think he thinks of me.
Last night I had a long conversation with a friend who is going through a serious relationship decision. We talked. We listened. We prayed. It was the kind of community I look for among my people. What if I don't find that immediately in SF? What if my expectations turn out to be too high? I have decided that I don't want to get married or have kids. I am really enjoying my time with Gd. Just learning about who He had in mind when He made me. But then again, I do rely on the community of followers around me. Hmmm...I hope to read this when I am established in Sf.
Wrote this poem on the road: He Humbled Himself
a seize of scripture and community fall apart, a hope and piece of pain recover together, whether breeze or heat explain the feeling, a home is made "hey there Gd flesh" I speak in waves, but I know there is more expected, repeated truth to be had, for He humbled Himself in history, in spirituality, He begot Himself for half a lifetime, so while I distress an angel a woman will walk up to me, to my presence she will tell me of a power, I cannot explain through the mind, but praise the Spirit for its perfect causal of sanctification, and my mentors are found in a different land, this makes my own spirit swell with rest and implication, that Gd flesh moved to die but lived to serve, and my life, presently, to be lived to love and die, like years past of praise and martyrdom, I pray, dear friends, for renewal wisdom, the one who is humbled then, knows me plans, knows my fears, His spirit for me cannot walk in that darkness nor can I inhale the dark cares.
and so it is...
Jamie and I in front of the Billy Graham Museum in Wheaton, Illinois.
