apathy is winning

my bathroom is a mess. Apparently there were twenty people in my apartment last night, apparently they were all on ecstasy and apparently they all took showers, with my soap. With my shampoo. Used my towels.

Whatever.

my Grandma is dying. And it hurts. And it's annoying when people tell me it's going to be alright. I feel like I know how to mourn, but I really don't know how and it still hurts.

I have three papers due this week. A term paper proposal in J-Hist, Rabbinic Judaism for J-Studies and an agree/disagree paper on living together before marriage for sex and relationships. Their all equally important and the level of me not wanting to surrender to writing is equal as well.

I wrote two poems on the muni today:

The Holy Men Were Petrified
in the sunset of history
I speak to the Kings till dawn
for where in my heart can I forgive?
I ask the bishops to respond
and they build a fire
they bow their heads and say
"the Lord's work" and I die
one day the real Lord will look at them
and they will be petrified
I have to remember though
that I am a Holy man too
I've criticized the minority and
I've build fires for children
so Lord, as I stand before you petrified
send me justice and I'll accept grace

They Danced
they arrived at the station=the same time
their eyes danced together
and the words expressed
their heart's place in seasonal emotions
they danced in body and soul
the people that they watched together
were old and young, sick and wretched, healthy and kind
and they observed these people's presence
they allowed dancing in their homes
and in their conversations
for less than a penny's worth
the man in the blue suit is looking
at the man in with a red beard
and they know not love and they do not dance
and that is very sad to me

I missed Church this morning because...well I actually don't know why. I was homesick so I went to the closest Denny's which is an hour away. And they've raised the prices twenty percent. I just made up that percentage, but seriously it's gotten so expensive. And the food came way too fast. It made me uncomfortable.

On my way back from the muni, after my only cigarette broke in half, there was an old man walking down the stairs in front of me. I asked if he needed me to help him and he smiled and said no thank you. Then he called me a good Samaritan. I don't know what to think about that. I just didn't want to pass him by.

I guess I'll write one of those stupid papers. Yuck. That's my apathy talking.