missing faith family

I miss my home Church in san diego. If you have never belonged to a small church that has made a huge difference in the community is surrounds, then I am sorry. Because I have seen first hand how beautiful community can be.

I was just looking through the pictures of Trunk or Treat that went on today.
Every single face was familiar and had a story. I had a personal connection with everyone there and I miss that. And whats more, they were all working together. They, we, understand what goes into community is the grace that Gd provides; what comes out is the good that Gd has made. And I see that in them.

I am so jealous I wasn't there tonight. But I got to help out at the church I have been attending's little halloween thing for the kids. It was fun and I was able to meet some really good people. I am probably going to begin helping out with the youth group- I am SO excited about that. Finally, to make some friendships happen.

community is warmth.

the picture below is of my mentors, Kim and Daniel and their husband and wife and Kim's wonderful sister. They are so funny. I love everything about them.

sometimes it takes a friend

like Sarah. She is an angel. We met on Massah, the mission trip I was on summer of 2008. We've kept in constant touch through the last year and half and currently she is serving with Jews for Jesus and is in Thailand.
I just spent the last hour talking to her though instant messenger. She majored in counseling and is good at it. She always gets me to talk and she listens so well.
So I kvetched about all the problems in the world, which of course, have everything to do with me, me, me. She listened and said that I need to remember forgiveness. Just like admit I am wrong, but know I rest in the forgiveness of Gd. I too must care for my people as they are in the same Kingdom.
I love it. I am calm. Thanks Sarah.

drafts in faith

I can't tell you how many drafts I have written for the next blog.
I am either interrupted with the routines of life, or realize that what I am writing is too harsh for public domain.

I have been sleeping a lot. I got really sick last week, and although I had a four day weekend, I didn't really do anything. However- two favorites from back home drove up and we got to see each other for a day. Natalie and Christopher are beautiful. Really, truly wonderful. The conversations are always interesting and kind.


We saw "A Serious Man" by the Coen Brothers. Go see it.

Had a realization about grace the other day. Hebrews 12 says to Messianic Jews that they should live in peace with everyone, and make sure that no one misses the grace of Gd. That is a heavy call. It is a good call. And when i was complaining about a strict Professor to a friend on skype he said, sounds like your teacher needs to know grace.

Community. It's crucial. Everything about community wreaks honesty and Godliness. And that is why I am choosing to go on a two day retreat with some Christian friends (actually, I only know one of the leaders) instead of a retreat with some Messianic Jews.

The conclusions I am coming to about a certain part of my faith family are not good.

It's funny how certain people within a group can represent the group as a whole. I think it's wrong to generalize. I try not to judge something just because of one influence. That is being narrow minded. However when multiple people in a smallish group start behaving with similar inconsistencies, I believe that it's time for reevaluation. Reevaluation of how you perceive yourself. Figuring the influences you want, you need. In the last year alone I have been validly dissapointed by four different members in my community. To go beyond the confines of the community, to the people who say that they see the people in the community live wrong, and cause distaste for what they stand for. um, hello? Does anyone else see a problem??

It's almost funny because they don't even realize any of this. It would be news to them. I feel like I've been lied to. The entire life I lead has been shaped by people around me. By three different communities. And the one that is closest to my heart has made itself ugly. The Messianic community, where my identity is most solid has become the community that rejects and judges. Out of sight out of mind? I used to justify their actions. That is a pitiful excuse. I am ashamed for them. And I am hurt. Even people who are connected to our community, but do not follow grace have shown more kindness to me.

This is scattered, I know. I believe in Yeshua, they believe in Yeshua.
I cannot believe in Yeshua with them anymore. I won't cut ties with them completely, but I need to change my thoughts about how much I consider them. I cannot trust them anymore, I think. What does the makeup of my faith rely on? Who does it stand by? I have been looking into an internship within the Messianic community for when I graduate. I heard about a weekend next Spring of other Messianic Jewish young adults. I think I am going to begin to invest in others. I might pray for grace. But I have had ten years of grace with these people and they still choose to ignore. They still choose to treat me with reproach; it's wrong to be considered with apathy by people who are supposedly brothers and sisters in the kingdom.

So this is what I deem the most appropriate draft. I have faith that all things, all conversations Gd has blessed me with have worked for the benefit of who I am. And now I have to learn how Gd allows us to move on.

and so it is...

abba

This is a picture of my dad and I walking away from my Grandmother's grave.

Sometimes there are no words.

weekend update

Plans for after my midterm tomorrow at noon.
I have a four day weekend this weekend and I am wicked excited.

Two very close friends are coming up and I am super excited to see them.

Write letters to Charlotte, Adam, Lauren R. and the Siegers.

Clean my room!!!

Have a roommate meeting. we have some stuff to talk about.

Spend time in prayer.

Have a decent meal or two.

Organize!!!

Buy leggings. Like legitimate thick, stockings.

Hebrew flashcards.

Jewish reading. (includes research on top of homework)

Call my mama.

And so it is...

Life of a Believer

two years ago today I wrote this poem:


Life of a Believer

October 12, 2007

Malka Gittel


A beautiful picture for a beautiful person,

Colors fade to fall,

A majestic flower for a majestic G-d,

Enter in the call,

A powerful sermon for a powerful people,

Governed to give love,

A created worship for a created heaven,

Remembering the dove,

A commanding death for a commanded lie,

Hold fast you chosen,

A passionate life for a passionate son,

For you who are broken,

A driven word for a driven you,

The real touch of hope,

A righteous knee bent for a righteous throne,

After a new birth,

A fallen humanity for a fallen home,

Choose wisely and rejoice freely,

Without hesitation, sing and dance,


“Trust steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly.”

no names

no names.

i am obsessed with a musician. and he's not a friend who happens to play music, he is legitimately a musician, touring in europe right now.

this is what i knew about him:
he has one brother.
grew up in pittsburg.
parents are blind and were divorced when he was young.
he got his masters degree in mental health psychology at a private school.
when writing his second album, he himself was going through a divorce.
and from the music from his third album, it sounds like he was unfaithful.
he can smoke a cigarette well and his beard is perfect.
he now lives in a very small town in illinois.
might be married now.

so i was looking at his pictures on myspace, dreaming about taking him to coffee when his tour came in to town. i would most likely take him to the coffee shop i love in the mission district. we would fit in. we would talk about our common love for sufjan stevens. we would talk about the spiritual undertones in his song "Mend Your Heart" and then i would wipe the dust from my croissant and he would have a little coffee on his lips. he would say that he got married the first time too young, but now he knows what he wants. we would fall in love and get married and live in new york where i was interning until i finished my graduate work. then we would move back to the small small town in illinois and live in a big/cheap empty house. he'd go back to work as a therapist and i would write articles and we'd make babies.

it was all working out fine until i noticed this one woman's name as the photographer of many of his photos. these photos are not just professional photos, they are more home-y, more relaxed. i thought to myself, if he had a wife, then i bet she took these pictures.

enter stalking skills:

i myspaced her name and narrowed down my search a few times, changing the age and hometown of this woman i didn't even know really truly existed. and then i found her. and yes, she is married to him. and now my dreams are shattered ;)

she is super cute. not too high maintenance, not too low. they look very happy in their pictures together.

he deserves someone like her i guess

...

now i think it's time i get a therapist for my addictive/obsessive/consuming habits.

Mourning

My Grandmother, Janet Stover, passed away last night.

She had been sick for quite a few years, almost unrecognizable. I rejoice that she is in Heaven now, no longer in pain. I grieve for my father who is alone for the next few days. I also feel sadness for my Grandfather who loved my Grandma well. I will miss her smell. She had skin cancer and was forced to use this cream that had a very...remarkable sense to it. She laughed easily and often. She loved people very deeply, and it is evident that she was loved back. I remember her telling me when I was young, I had to learn to love Gd with all of my strength and ALL of my heart; only then would I be ready to get married because, she said, you have to love your husband second. She was beautiful. She was very conservative and gentle. She was a lover of Jesus. The funeral is this Friday. I won't lie, I am bummed for the sacrifices I have to make this weekend, but family is so worth so much more.

May her memory be one of thanksgiving and joy, B'shem Yeshua.

addendum

ex boyfriends need to stop getting married. It's too bizarre.

Also, I forgot to mention that my last post was the fiftieth post I've made on this catalyst for narcissism.

And Alexi Murdoch's Orange Sky is worshipful. You should listen to it.

Oh, one more thing: I rid the apathy away with a tasty, tasty dinner. As follows:


^english muffin, toasted with goat cheese.


^thin slices of green apple.


^tuna...of course. With small squares of apple.


^Walnuts on one side and raisins on the other.

apathy is winning

my bathroom is a mess. Apparently there were twenty people in my apartment last night, apparently they were all on ecstasy and apparently they all took showers, with my soap. With my shampoo. Used my towels.

Whatever.

my Grandma is dying. And it hurts. And it's annoying when people tell me it's going to be alright. I feel like I know how to mourn, but I really don't know how and it still hurts.

I have three papers due this week. A term paper proposal in J-Hist, Rabbinic Judaism for J-Studies and an agree/disagree paper on living together before marriage for sex and relationships. Their all equally important and the level of me not wanting to surrender to writing is equal as well.

I wrote two poems on the muni today:

The Holy Men Were Petrified
in the sunset of history
I speak to the Kings till dawn
for where in my heart can I forgive?
I ask the bishops to respond
and they build a fire
they bow their heads and say
"the Lord's work" and I die
one day the real Lord will look at them
and they will be petrified
I have to remember though
that I am a Holy man too
I've criticized the minority and
I've build fires for children
so Lord, as I stand before you petrified
send me justice and I'll accept grace

They Danced
they arrived at the station=the same time
their eyes danced together
and the words expressed
their heart's place in seasonal emotions
they danced in body and soul
the people that they watched together
were old and young, sick and wretched, healthy and kind
and they observed these people's presence
they allowed dancing in their homes
and in their conversations
for less than a penny's worth
the man in the blue suit is looking
at the man in with a red beard
and they know not love and they do not dance
and that is very sad to me

I missed Church this morning because...well I actually don't know why. I was homesick so I went to the closest Denny's which is an hour away. And they've raised the prices twenty percent. I just made up that percentage, but seriously it's gotten so expensive. And the food came way too fast. It made me uncomfortable.

On my way back from the muni, after my only cigarette broke in half, there was an old man walking down the stairs in front of me. I asked if he needed me to help him and he smiled and said no thank you. Then he called me a good Samaritan. I don't know what to think about that. I just didn't want to pass him by.

I guess I'll write one of those stupid papers. Yuck. That's my apathy talking.

an apathetic day

Today I am not motivated.

I am going to go do pilates at the village gym. I read a little. I need to study Hebrew; we have a test tomorrow. I did laundry. I went to my J. Studies class earlier this afternoon. It was so good. I also discovered Mark Kinzer's book, "Post-Missionary Messianic Judaism". I really want to read it. I also decided that wherever I came from, vocationally, I want to be a scholar. Later though. Because right now I am listening to Cat Power sing the old folk song called "He Was a Friend of Mine" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v35QlMywH6s

Random: I really love Cat Power. A lot.

^this is her. Her real name is Chan Marshall. She is very raw. I feel like going to a Blick art studio. Yep. Just accept it Malki, today is an apathetic day. Don't try and make it any other way, cause then you'll just disappoint yourself.

That's all...