Al Cheit, a redemption story

I attended a Synagogue who shall remain nameless for Kol Nidre this evening. The night tradtional service to begin Yom Kippur is supposed to be somber; a moment when the congregation and Cantor come before Gd in all humility and ask for forgiveness for the last years sins. This moment is one of honesty with oneself. It is honesty with the community. And it is honesty before Adonai.

I don't think that Kol Nidre, being one of my favorite Erev holidays, could be ruined. But alas, there is a first for everything. For 3/4's of the service I was bummed out. Continually shocked at the lack of enthusiasm from the congregants and the acute energy from the leaders. Isn't this supposed to be for the congregation? Isn't this supposed to be a night of inner reflection? The Rabbi and Cantor joyful? Members apathetic? Not exactly what you would expect from a people who is revealing their shortcomings to their creator in hope of atonement. Really, joy? I mean, there is nothing wrong with joy- I think it is why we are here and a major component of the meaning of life.

During Al Cheit, we beat our chests as we name the sins we've committed and we end with, V'al kulam Elohai selichot slach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu (for all these sins, Gd of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement). There are four stanza's and in the middle of this ritual, I beat my chest and I heard it echo inside. I heard it again for the next beat. It was conviction. I realized by judging this congregation I was committing a sin right there, in the proximity of people who are searching for redemption. I happen to have faith that I have found eternal grace in Yeshua, and here I am judging. Really, malka, judging?

I continued to beat, with my right hand in a fist, and I repeated the words that the type A personality Rabbi and operatic Cantor spoke. I repeated with joy. I learned a lot tonight from these lost, intellectual, ritual-blinded people. I learned that in the depths of somberness and introspective times, between you and Gd amidst your own people, you can feel joy. It is allowed to feel a conviction and a praise offering at the same time. That echo in my body was the Spirit of Gd, I believe.

shoes...

Oy vey. I really need new shoes.



There is something about shoe shopping that I find so repulsive. I would guess the statistic that 3 out of 5 of my friends have shoe obsessions; somehow I escaped that influence. The very idea of looking at and trying on shoes is absolutely not appealing to me. I would gladly throw this pair away, however I would then be without shoes. I should also mention that it is really hard for me to spend more than $20 on a pair.



I have a pair of TOMS ($ defense: a moral cause), but they are red and do not always match my clothes. I have some fake Ugg boots ($ defense: a gift), but I tend to drag my feet in them. I have a pair of heels, and flats (from the parents) that I take out for special occasions. I also have some sweet flip-flops that I've had for about five years and a sweet pair of Rainbows ($ defense: a gift), but my feet would freeze if I wore them.



When I find that one pair, it will be good. They won't give me blisters or cuts. The color won't be overly dramatic, something like black, or tope. They will slip on my feet easily and make me feel like I could walk for days. hmmm. The smell of good shoes- so good!

Consume

I was consumed with the thought of a deeply convicting and reality-altering conversation with my Professor. Now that it's over, I feel foolish. He reacted beautifully. It probably didn't help that my hands shook and voice trembled. But it is over and the dialogue to come might be intellectually more challenging, but relationally easier. And now I feel empty because what was consuming my thoughts is no longer an issue. Or at least it's not as pertinent of an issue.

I am in love with William Fitzsimmons. He is a musician I have followed for three years. I saw him live at Lestat's in March. His lyrics/melodies are sensitive, personality is tender and he has a sweet beard. I have a thing for beards. And musicians. I was in the car accident a few days before I saw him. I think his music played a part in healing. I think he is in his thirties. But that has never stopped any of my crushes. I could go off and name everything I like, including his tattoos, flannel shirts and honest eyes, but it wouldn't do any good. I think he's married.

Tuna. I love tuna. Cheese. Cheese is a huge part of my life, nay, who I am. Sometimes I like to think of them put together.

Riding the muni. I think about that too. I like to think about what would happen if I broke out in song. Or if I began to read Harry Potter aloud in a British accent.\

Tests and text messaging. Pictures and trying on clothes. I worry about these things.

Anxiety is natural to me. It's how my mind works. It's not healthy. I have an addicted personality. I am discovering more and more though, that Yeshua is calling me to be consumed with things that are good. Attributes to define Gd in the Tanakh and NT are as follows: love, justice, forgiveness, sacrifice, righteousness, community, peace and joy. And Titus says that we should love, be lovers of good. Love what is good. And yes, conversations with my Prof are very important. Yes, William Fitzsimmons is very important. Yes, fish and dairy products are nourishing. Yes public transportation and making a fool of oneself is essential. But to consume oneself with the thoughts and actions of Gd might just be the meaning of life. A Gd who desires the praise of his creation and exaltation of his masterpieces is the most important and crucial identifiable consumption I could possibly have.

and so it is.

the day time of the night

^a Rosh Hashanah Rose...

A late night adventure with my neighbors.

I baked cookies (tried to cut the recipe in half = fail). My neighbors, being gracious, ate most of them. Then we proceeded to walk around campus, looking for roofs to walk on. Talked with a Police Officer who was very glad to see us (apparently we were the first sober people he had seen in a few hours). Made a stop at the 24 hour Subway for Andy. Met up with some friends we know. Hid from some friends we didn't want to see. Found a secret entrance. Scaled the roof of the Cesar Chavez building. Looked at the stars. Felt the wind. I jumped around, full of energy, Casey commented on and bounced off my energy and Andy tried to ignore us both. I think we embarrassed him :)


^on the roof of the highest building on campus...



^Andy, me and Casey's legs...

Happy New Year. Although I spent the whole day studying and eating kugel (thanks for the great recipe Liz!) I feel rested.
Probably because I napped.
Decided that it's not depression that I suffer from, but anxiety.
There is a peace here.
Ironic to say, post anxiety revelation. I suppose that is how Gd works though. I mean, Gd can heal through the efficacy of thought. A scripture reference just came to mind:

Rejoice in the Lrd always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evidence to all. The Lrd is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to Gd. And the peace of Gd, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Yeshua HaMashiach. Philippians 4:11

I like it!


^studies obsessed...

I am a ...

My education to Jewish Studies began last night.

Sitting on the far left, as to plug in my mini laptop named "Tom" I listened and attentively took notes on my Jewish History until 1650 class. This class is three hours, once a week and taught by the Chair of the Jewish Studies Department who also teaches Jewish Studies and acts as my academic adviser. We have gotten past the horrible history bump of Empires such as Byzantine and entered into a discussion on the split of Christianity from Judaism.

I am a Messianic Jew.
Even writing the word, with "I am ..." terrifies me. I have been subject to so much intellectual and emotional criticism from Jews and Christians, the word has now become something I fear rather than a celebration of who I am. From Jews trying to retract my "Jewishness" and Christian's who contend after replacement theology, I am the middle man who no one wants around. I am the person who seems to cause trouble. Why can't I make up my mind? In the Christian community, it's fun and trendy to follow Yeshua. In the Jewish community, it's about rituals and tradition that make up the ideologies of the day. But here I am. One generation too late in the Messianic times to be a radical and one thought process behind for a popular methodology called evangelism. And to be reminded that I am a woman amongst non-egalitarian men is a another story.

I am a Messianic Jew.
There it is. It is rather beautiful. Eloquently written, rolls off the tongue like a cold glass of water after consuming too many rugelach. It's clean. When the community of Messianic believer's get together, you have the weird old and young people, the "royalty" and the people that have no idea what's going on. I understand this is a dramatic definition. There are the intellectuals and the leaders, the people who are not Jewish, the people who are too Jewish and the men and women who are hungry for freedom. Which one am I?

I am a Messianic Jew.
At some point this will come up to my Professor. He has to know. I would be lying and doing him an injustice if this never "came out." During lecture last evening, the class mulled over topics such as the Gospels written after the destruction of the second Temple, Jesus is irrelevant to Judaism because he did abolished the law and the apostle Paul living an oxymoron life (living according to law, but preaching that it is unnecessary). Here I am, sitting in the second row, farthest to the left, shaking in my boots. What do you say to your teacher who is a scholar and a Jew. What do you say to a class of twenty other students, half of which are Jewish and the other half secular history majors?

I am a Messianic Jew.
It starting to sound a little better. I rushed an email last night to my friend Kim who is a pastor in San Diego. What the heck!? I said, If what I heard tonight was true, then my own relationship with Gd has changed drastically! I look forward to her reply. I know it will be filled to the rim with wisdom and assurance. Then today asked my friend Aaron about the gospels being written after 70ce. I loved what he said. Well, yes, they were written after...unless you believe in prophecy. I can breathe easy. This afternoon I picked up David H. Stern's "Messianic Jewish Manifesto" a work of genius. I barely finished reading the first chapter and I began to weep. It's okay that I believe in what I do. I am allowed to disagree with people, even other Messianic Jews. It's okay that I am in a season where I am figuring this out and being assured, gaining knowledge and living in accordance to the true nature of Gd. Whom shall I fear?

My story is not finished. And that is okay too.

I am a Messianic Jew.

these days

^ a visit to the hospitality house ...


^empty muni!


^pre-Kugel...so good!!




^HOPE inscribed on a seat in a Muni


^picked up at the airport by my 3 male, good looking neighbors in a sports car!

haircuts

Ariel, my dear friend whom I met last summer, is in Cosmetology school and has been for two weeks. She is so rad. When we first met she would always offer to do makeup and I took her up on it! She is so humble and will barely talk about her accomplishments. She is so good at what she is learning. It is such a natural gift that she was made with and I am so proud of her!
Anyway, I asked her to cut my hair because I got so sick of the length weighing my curls to non-existence!
Here it goes:


^The encouragers from Left: Ariel, Andy and Casey...


^The first cut!!


^not knowing this would take an hour and a half...


^ ...so much hair! (roommates freaked out for two seconds, but all is well)


^the first layers, professional, in my opinion


^Ariel and I...or should I say my hairstylist :)


^cleanup

i like hebrew

i like hebrew.

i like to stand on the muni, bumping into the old asian women around me.

i like to see someone who remembers my name.
but i do not like it when i forget their name.

i like to eat melted cheese on a piece of wholegrain bread with walnuts.

i like to drink water.

i like it when my teachers know my name.

i like it more when they know who i am.

i like feeling confident about praying in public.

i like running into jews for jesus missionaries at my school.

i like getting emails.

i like it when my therapist calls me back.

i like listening to sad music when i am happy.

i also like to listen to sad music when i am sad. but this one is a problem.

i like having late night convo's with my roommate. she is cool.

i like reconnecting.

i like learning about sex and relationships from a text book.

i like to choreograph dances to worship music in my head as i walk to my classes.

i like this life in a new city
(it's new enough that i can use a map and not look silly)

The Good City [a poem]

Oh the city, it swells,
It swells my heart,
My feet walk and walk
A distance I never knew
And a path I couldn’t have drawn
Out on a map
For the map of my heart
Is found in the city
The city now is reached
But it is not
Because the homeless
Are still less
And my bed is still empty
So I wait patiently
For the one according
To a list
But that list is small
When the rain falls
I put on music
And the music takes me
Away from the bus I ride
The bus I ride on in the front
Because I am white
It’s figurative though
My people group
Suffered as much as the last
And in my class
They speak of a Gd I don’t want
But I know a secret
I talk to that Gd
And He tells me to love
And to love and love
To Love him and to love them
So I give it a try
On that Gd’s time
My watch moves in seconds
And the seventh day
The seventh year is rest
Is Sabbath
And I take one day
I should take the seventh
To rest
To Sabbath
To Avodah
So I do and I breathe easy
While my teachers teach
I have to reteach everything inside
Because I belong to a different life
A different path
A different thought
So I sit in class
And I consider the world’s tongue
But I chose to consider it
Young
And I am young
But I am here to learn
To learn about my people
The ones who were killed
And the ones who killed
I suppose I am guilty of that too
And that same Gd who watched them kill
Has watched me kill
So I will sacrifice myself
For the wrongs I’ve done
The man’s tongue I’ve done
And the girl’s heart I’ve wronged
So find me to forgive
And I will direct you heavenward
Heavenward
That Gd resides
And in my heart
That Gd resides there too
Its free have you heard?
In this city I have learned
To love and be loved in return
Is the greatest thing
So they say
But my Gd said it first
So I know it
And I rest in it
Good city
Teach me

September 1, 2009