overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed with peace.

I went to a prayer meeting that has been getting together weekly with my new Church. I love it. I love that the people are interested. I love that the people are interesting.

I had a long talk with another believer who is also an RA. I think I have made up my mind.

I will have a place to live next year. That excites me.

I am excited that my sister is in town. I am excited that we are semi-hosting a sort-of-seder meal on Thursday night. In this very moment, I am reminded of Lord Byron's words:

"there is a pleasure in the pathless woods/ there is a rapture on the lonely shore/ there is society, where none intrudes [...]"

community is

saving graces

^my beautiful campus...


^early morning hair fiasco...


^ birthday present. I have always wanted one. Isn't it beautiful?


^so happy!!!


^I am fish-sitting Yoshi for a week :)


^newest edition...


^ I love it...

^Past years...

I feel like a majority of my posts are rather upsetting and depressing...

Well, here goes another rant. I am spending my first Passover in my new city alone. Great isn't it. Passover is one of my favorite holidays. It is the third most important commemoration in my religion. It is the story of freedom and salvation. It is a story of social justice. Trust in Gd and in leadership. It is about people obeying and disobeying and Gd redeeming His promise. It is about inclusiveness. Passover is about community.

Last year, a certain group of people had a huge Pesach seder and I assumed that they would do that again this year. I found out that I am now uninvited, as are the rest of the young Messianic Jewish people in San Francisco. It's lame. I understand that they have specific people invited for evangelism and education. But I was under the impression that this place was a place for growth. Not exclusivity. Here is my perspective: I am more upset that I am alone, than I am that I was uninvited.

I am upset and I am depressed.

I am angry.

I am in love with someone and because I am scared of vulnerability, I haven't said anything.

I am poor. But, let's be real, I have more money that most of the world.

I have to make the job decision and I don't want to hurt people.

I have research to finish and outlines to write.

ugh. in a rut.

On a happier note: I got my second pair of TOMS shoes and my family's birthday box today!!

dichotomy

To be an RA, or not to be an RA. This is one of the hardest moments of my life, that I, am fully in control of (well, sort of...) I am not even going to rehash the details, asking everyone's opinion seems to drown out my own feelings about this.

Synopsis: I got a job at my summer camp. I am stoked. I smile just thinking about it. I also got accepted as an RA for next year. However, they have a 4 week training in the summer. It is almost impossible to do both. The summer camp speaks to my emotional and spiritual needs. The RA job means saving money and being close to a very good friend. Not taking the camp means I can attend all the weddings this year. Not being an RA means living in the heart of the greatest city in the world.

I don't like this. I don't like being pressured and I don't like disappointing people.

Sometimes I wish that I could be the Dude

oops

adventure!

"Make Yourself At Home"
is one of the freakiest movies you will ever see.

Jimmy and I went on an adventure to San Jose (by bus, Bart, foot and caltrain...) to watch that movie for the Asian American Film Festival! We had a fabulous time together!

On the way there, I pretended to be Deaf- Jimmy is a fast learner. The girl in the green shirt with the green bike knew I wasn't Deaf because she watched us laughing down the escalator.
We almost missed our bus, but we were helped by a Transvestite (side note: we saw her three separate times that night!). On the 1/2 hour bus ride from Fremont to San Jose, four guys, one old, one young, one nerdy and one married, had a loud conversation jumping from topic to topic: Hitler, Obama, Tiger Woods, religion, personal health problems, marriage, politics, drug reference and feminism- quite the entertainment!

Our night ended with singing Musicals on tall stairs by the airport before Erin picked us up!

It was splendid. We laughed the whole time. I am so glad I am friends with him. I am so glad I am friends with the other RAs...

the future

^Jimmy's shirt. It used to say SFSU AGENT FALL

homework sucks.

last week I had midterms, which went okay. Let's face it, I am not an intellectual. All my life, I have pushed myself to be one. I think that certain people will respect me more if I have Dr. before my name. So far, I have romanticized the idea of getting my Masters degree. I have so many research ideas; I get excited about these questions.

What was the level of Jewish women's activism during the suffrage movement? What place do second generation Messianic Jews have in the modern Jewish-American context? What was the Jewish community's role in the Civil Rights Movement? What organizations have Deaf people participated in, outside of the Deaf community? How have white women reconciled their push for equal rights in the midst of white supremacy around the world?

All of those questions are fascinating and have agency. I can do the research well, I just can't write about it well. I wonder what life has in store for me? All I know is being a student and life looking like a silver platter. All I know is simplicity and wealth. In all honesty, I find scholarship appealing because it puts off the real world. Getting higher education, for me, means that I will be encased in the past. Studying history is what I love and I would be doing it full time. I could put off social justice for a little longer. That responsibility scares me.

I wonder if I am going to get married? I wonder when I am going to die? I wonder how I am going to pay for all the weddings this summer? I wonder what will be said when Kim and I finally get to talk? I wonder how my training will go on Monday for the testing center's front desk? I wonder if anyone will go to my program about Passover? I wonder when Jesus will come? I wonder if I am wasting my life in school? I wonder if I truly grasp how lucky I am and how easy I have it.

But for now, Malka, you need to work on the three research papers.
-Jewish women in the Suffrage movement
-The Danse Macabre, 14th century Europe
-Jewish Divorce in the Middle ages*
*note: I want to change the last one to the nineteenth century

Wish me luck!


^ Chris and Christine Kernaghan...I took some baby-bump photos for them. They are the leaders of my city-cru Bible study on campus- they are radical!

friends and music

^Sweet Natalie and Christopher sent me this fabulous playlist.

Shabbat Mix

The Weepies

Tom Petty

The Shins

Bob Dylan

Stacks

Jars of Clay

Cat Power

The Kooks

Lisa Hannigan

Sufjan Stevens

Regina Spektor

Damien Rice

The Smart Brothers

Joni Mitchell

Belle & Sebastion

Alexi Murdoch

The Swell Season

polish

"Let the Living never give up Hope"

a Polish saying retold by members of the Vilna Ghetto resistance during WWII.

Oscars

^Kelly and I...

^the hospitality house

^myself, Sean and Ari

^Remy and I, apparently this was our prom picture from 1974...ha!

I almost cried- okay, I actually cried when Jeff Bridges and Mo'Nique won for best leading actor and best supporting actress.

I can sleep- okay, I can write my paper in peace now.

Gospel Gossip

I heard there was perfection once.

Then the world became the world of war.

People believed there was a Gd who chose them to advocate for peace.

But the mediation became subjective, somewhere down the line.

So that Gd made Himself an advocate, to teach the right way to perfection.

The people thought ritual would ensue perfection.

But the advocate said it was love.

By demonstrating that love, he reversed the war-world by dying.

But a miracle happened.

Gd chose to save the people from war.

Some people live by ritual still. Some people have misunderstood the love story.

But the reality of that LOVE -> restoring perfection, is relevant.

And I have heard it from my friends.

I have experienced it for myself.

And that is why I believe that advocate is the perfecter of all things: making death into life.

Turning war into love.

And so it is...

... storms and sunshine ...

Storm:

The protests are underway. The excitement we had last night {vandalizing, giant uncontrollable dance party and inebriated messes} took away from my enthusiasm for protesting today. I am irritated that there is loud music outside my window and that I won’t be able to participate in the support for my Professors’ and Lecturers’ rights.

Sunshine:

My friend’s and I had lunch together and it was so nice. We laughed a lot. One of them is being prayed for by a stranger. I am reminded to pray for all of them. We waved our hands in the air when there was an awkward moment. I lost all inhibition. I love the freedom feeling. I ate a really tasty hamburger.

march

Patty Griffin
Rain

Sylvia Plath
I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.

books.

As I am sitting at my desk, procrastinating, I look at my bookshelf.

I find it ironic that my two Chuck Klosterman books are siting next to my two Henri Nouwen books. Then I have four Bibles in a row (JPS Tanakh, Hebrew NT, NIV travel, NLT) and next to them is the Communist Manifesto, Steinbeck, Vonnegut, Salinger, Lauren Winner, Elie Wiesel and then another Bible.

On the bottom of the shelf I have the Holocaust Encylcopedia, Shakespeare's collected works, Poe, Rob Bell, W.E.B. Dubois, five collections of Primary sources and historical textbooks, Erica Jong and Churchill.

I like my books.

Now, off to actually write two short pages for my "voices of European women" and a research paper proposal for another history class.

ciao...