merry day of Jesus' birth

^the best way to spend christmas...with the best friends I could have.

it's that time again

If I gave christmas letters than I would put this picture to describe my christmas.

merry christmas

Playlist: Joni Mitchell and The Shins.

I spent the day with M and N. They are kindreds.

N is M's new b-friend and I love them so much.

We spent the night sipping on wine and playing cards. And I am really glad they are with me. I feel very down. Not with them, obviously. They're bringing me up.

I think of Rory and I feel sad.

I think of community and how it has changed.

I think about Jesus and how I have dissapointed and how I have grown.

I think about Death Cab for Cutie because I will follow you into the dark just came on my shuffle.

Let's be real. I am angry at some people. I am surprised by some people.

Story: N, M and I are playing cards and listening to music and N plays a song that was not really congruent with the music that M and I had been playing (70s and now hippy and indie music)...Anyway, M and I started laughing hysterically. N felt really dissapointed and got sad because he thought we were rejecting him. N was super passive about the whole thing, but we knew something was wrong. Finally, I left the room, cause I knew that N would tell M what was wrong. He told her. Then she told me. Then we all talked about it. M and I apologized for being inconsiderate. N had a hard time forgiving us, because he said usually he was in the wrong. We continued to have a really good night.

That is community. Sharing the uncomfortable stuff. It's interesting to me that I have friends who are physically near to me, who haven't bothered to contact me. That's cool.

The "real" friends, I am learning, are the ones who are around.

In presence. In heart.

Perhaps I have been neglectful to some people recently. It's my responsibility to offer my apology and my love through time.

I offer a thought.

I hate being neglected. It hurts me, deeply. So I need to remember to not to neglect the people I love. I need to remember not to hate those who neglect me. Even though it hurts. Tears drop for the ones whom I wish cared. Gd can worry about them.

Jesus was "born" today. What was Jesus about? He was about love and forgiveness. He was about going to the hurting and the needy and healing them and fulfilling those needs. Sometimes it looked like giving a blind person his sight. Sometimes it looked like overturning the Temple and giving it back to an original place. Other times it looked like providing rest.

I support that.

I am still angry. I am still surprised. I still chose to look to a better example than myself for loving the environment.

i'm home.

since I've been in San Diego:

Wednesday was Rory's day. I spent the morning with Lauren R. Then had coffee with Charlotte. We met at my Starbucks. Then we went to the Church and spent time with Jeremy, Kim, Daniel and Kyle. Then dinner with some people. Advent. Then Lauren, Nathan and hookah. I was overwhelmed.

Thursday I got my sixth tattoo with Michael.We visited Lauren. It was just good. Then I had coffee with Allison. Then Hanukkah dinner with my family, the Eritreans and the Crespins. It was good.

Friday was college group. It was Natalie and Christopher day. Beach. Then DSPS white elephant Christmas party. That was stressful, but also home. Everyone looks great. Finished the night out with more of Nat and Toph.

Saturday went shopping with Ema. My parents are so kind and gave me amazing gifts this year. Aaron Kasdan graduated, with a BA in Biblical Studies from Biola (suma cum laude)... I am so proud of him. Aaron is a special friend. It was really good to see some of the messianic family.

Listening to Paul Simon's Soft Parachutes.

old things

at this very moment I am procrastinating from two papers and studying for a test that will be held tomorrow 8am. i am also reading old posts, posts that I wrote before I moved to san francisco. it's been four months since i have spent any decent time in san diego. i wonder what will happen on wednesday.

lauren is picking me up from the airport. i want to cry when i see her.

wednesday is the day of rory's death. it's been a year.

i am not sure if i will cry that day.

i KNOW that i will feel overwhelmed.

this semester has been the hardest of my life, i think. i don't know. i just know that i feel very distanced from myself. like i am on autopilot.

i had so many expectations for san francisco. a lot of them came true. which is a good thing, i think. but most of them i would say turned out very different. some are very lachrymose. others are friendships. some are stressful. others are peace.

i am scared that i will go to san diego and either feel no emotion, or all of my homesickness will encapsulate everything and i won't want to leave it again.

no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.

Greg Laswell
"This Woman's Work"

I dig his music.

Good night, wind and rain, don't come back tomorrow, cause I have to walk to church.

Picture for the mood I'm in:

it's raining

A few days ago, I made a mix of my favorite coffee shop people. I call certain musicians by that name because when I first started to develop my own music taste, all the people I was drawn to were performing in cafe's all over the world.

It's raining really hard today.

In the last twenty minutes, I probably gave myself a hernia. School administration is an incredible and incredibly terrible thing. I wanted to make sure that my 'change of major' had processed in the registrar's office. The lady behind the desk said that she didn't see it. When did it happen? A week ago.

She gave me Christopher's number. He is the 'guy' who deals with problems. I called him every half hour for two hours. Finally, he was in the office and picked up the phone.

"Hi, my name is Malka and I am a student here at SFSU. I tried to change my major a week ago, but the registrar's office says that it hasn't changed. My pre-reg is in an hour and I don't know what to do." -pause to hold back tears.
"It's okay Malka, we'll try to figure this out. Give me your student I.D. and I'll call you back, but I can't promise you anything."

Twenty minutes later he left a message (I was peeing) and it went something like this:
"umm...your message machine is awesome. Okay, I found your paperwork and went ahead and changed your major- so you are all set. Have a good weekend."

Having worked in the College system, I have an idea of who this guy is. The kind of paperwork he had to go through to find mine, the kind of people he works with. I am so thankful that he made my life better just now.

That was a tangent.

So my music playlist:
Joshua Radin
Greg Laswell
Ingrid Michaelson
William Fitzsimmons
Priscilla Ahn
Molly Jenson
Rosie Golan
...

It's dark and rainy outside. The music is perfect.
I feel really good.

a better day

I love when unplanned laughter occurs.

Last night, after I posted my last blog, my neighbors came to visit me in the lounge. Garrett is leaving soon. Casey's hair looks really good. Andrew was in a giggly mood. And then our RA, Erin, came by and we laughed and laughed until 2 in the morning.

Erin and I have gotten really close and I love it! She is so funny and so easy. You know that friend that is not phased by much? That is her.

Now, only a few more pages of my paper. When it's over I think I might sleep as a celebration.

life

I have been horrible for not posting in so long.

Changed my major! American History, here I come...(minor: Jewish studies)

Dinner with friends, played catch phrase (enter feelings of stupidity because I am not fast enough and lost more points than gained), got a card with the word: Noose. I skipped it and then got yelled at by teammates. I was not in the mood to explain to them that my friend died by hanging and I am really sensitive and sad about it. Especially because they already knew it and don't care enough to remember. Also his birthday was on Wed.

Writing a paper about Jewish law regarding marriage and divorce in Late Antiquity and the Middle Ages. It is a problem and I hate doing it. 6 more pages.

That's all I feel like writing right now.