procrastination ... ?

ever wonder what it's like to have absolutely nothing to do?

I could clean my very messy room.
I could pack for upcoming move to Frisco.
I could pick up a book by Chuck Klosterman, Kurt Vonnegut, or Betty Friedan.
Maybe help my African refugees plan their wedding.
Look for plane tickets to Seattle to visit my beautiful sister.
Go through my clothes and sort between the stuff I will give to Charlotte, Jamie, Megan, Buffalo Exchange or Goodwill.
Call Debbie and see if I can rent one of their cars this summer.
Actually organize my summer plans.
Find my Grandmother's PhT.
Call SFSU and make sure they are still expecting me for Fall Semester.
Write letters to everyone I worked with at DSPS, and teachers and make music playlists for all my friends.
Look over my old books of art (Cassatt, Manet, Monet, Picasso, Warhol, DaVinci, etc)
Actually eat a decent meal.
Actually sleep a decent amount of hours.
Record all my poetry on the computer, or on google docs to be exact.
Write a short story about my math class last year.
Finish my epic poem called the "Manzanita Woman."
Edit and sort out all of my pictures on my computer.
Buy a mini computer for class lectures and studying.
Work on my checkbook.
Buy a few of Target's cute sports bras.
clean my room.

Okay, now I am jut repeating myself for the fun of it.
And I still have two finals left. Geography and English. English- going to be a blast. Geography- I need to kick ass.
Au Revoir until I procrastinate tomorrow
...

a poem, a painting...

a picture for a new friend

my new friend, Jimmy...
he smokes rolled cigarettes. he writes poetry. he works at a mental hospital.

Israel and Coffee...what now?

My friends are in Israel.
I was in Israel just a year ago. A YEAR ago!!?

While spending much of my time in Tel Aviv, I became attached to a coffee shop called CITY coffee.
It appears to be small when you first walk in, but further into the rear, it opens up to a larger lounge space. I spent alone time there, evangelistic conversations with strangers, prayer with friends, and gosh darn good ice coffee. I was so addicted to it. There was one point near the end of my stay when I would walk down the Florentin district twice a day to get that ice coffee.
Nothing like it in the states.


...This is my beloved friend, Sarah sitting in CITY Coffee...

My friend, whom I love (in Tel Aviv) sent me a note via facebook and said,
"Was thinking of you, while sitting at CITY coffee in Florentine.
It misses you. It told me.
Love you SO much."

I am not going to lie, I teared up at reading this. I want to be back in my land, with the people I love most in the world, and newer friends whom I adore, walking busy streets in the middle of the night, and bartering in shook haCarmel. I want to be hiking (yes, hiking!) Mt. Meron and listening to a scholar in a Moshav in Jerusalem. I want to be in Israel.

But I know that I am not meant to be there in this season of life.
I have a feeling that my purpose, right now, is to build a better character within myself. And I am aware that traveling and trying to recreate something that is no longer foreign to me, is not the best place. I am peace.

I am okay with sharing glasses of wine and cigarettes with friends. I am okay with traveling throughout the U.S. and volunteering for VBS (vacation Bible school). I am okay with texting Lauren random insignificance's that make our friendship beautiful. I am okay mourning part of my spirit that I let go, and letting my King renew it in me. I am okay with reading a blog of my people in Israel.

Yes, I want to be in Israel. But no, I cannot be there. And yes, I know that I will be called back to that place of ancient war and love. Yes, I will be back someday. Hopefully City Coffee will still be there...

A Psalm in a day

This morning at Starbucks, Kim lead a discussion for college group about Jesus being "the Good Shepard." We wrote our own psalms, based on Psalm 23 as an outline ...

"The Lord is my Shepard, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul [...] even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me [...] Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of Lord forever" (Psalm 23:1-3a, 4a, 6)

Now, This is what I came up with. My hope is that I will read this in twenty years and feel the same way. Especially the latter:

G-d, You are my friend, You are a long and good sleep
I will never be without companionship,
because Your peace is in my photo albums, a cup of hot chocolate and a cigarette,
You are in my childhood sanctuary and the beaches in Santa Barbara,
When I cling to you after a big sin, a big fall,
You put old and new friend's words and hugs in my path,
Even when I think that I am not smart enough, or thin enough...when I get sad,
Hey! You stand beside me, whispering "loved" into my soul,
You are that strong wind in the Negev desert,
and You are the perfect cup of tea when I am cold,
and my caffeine when I need to stay awake,
You hold my hand amidst my depressive state,
that is my evil vice,
yet everyone can see that I am taken,
I have no more need for physical company from man,
because my love is taken,
I want to keep this place, this conversation around me, in my soul, forever...

I was with some of my new, lovely friends tonight at our little Starbucks, procrastinating (of course) and we all got into the car. I was going to take them to my Church, which is right across the street to show them around the building. I made a left turn, and a car went right through their red light (towards us). I swerved to avoid an accident. It was terrifying. But I am more thankful for life, than I am afraid of death. And I believe the Psalm I wrote this morning readied me for this realization.

Amen for life and recognition of breathe and good community and goodnight, to wake in the morning and appreciate all the beauty there is to have.

a day, oh what a day!

Sunday. May 17. People.

1. Natalie: made me a mix two years ago. I put it on my new little ipod and RadioHead, Regina Spektor, and Zeppelin = smells and feelings from my internship in La Canada so long ago...mostly good feelings...


2. Kim: made her a playlist for her birthday and I have not stopped listening to it (besides Nat's mix :)...


3. Charlotte: and I went shopping for bathing suits today at an unfavorable mall. It was so good to spend time with that beauty; it had been too long before this afternoon. She found two CUTE swim suits, and I bought a red sweater...


4. Zach, Jay and Stephanie: were working at my Starbucks tonight. They are such a great team. So proficient and friendly. I just love those guys, especially because they let us stay ten minutes after closing...


5. Tassy: and I studied together...very beneficial...


6. Jimmy, Chris and Dominic: were also found at the "bucks"...I am becoming more fond of rolled cigarettes...definitely more unhealthy, but very hippie! Talked about some old favorites, such as Harriet the Spy and Matilda...


7. Shira: "Hey, I am at the train station downtown!" So I went over; we had a good hour of updates and pictures...


8. Hannah: I miss that freaking sister of mine! Nothing really exceptional happened relating to her...I think about her ALL the time...


9. Michael: (this is a cheat because it was last night) saw Angels and Demons- AMAZING movie! I highly recommend it...


10. Remy: planing a coffee date tomorrow. I am going to miss him this summer (he is going back to Israel and India. Will be gone for...something like 8 months! ...


11. Emily: because the Flaming Lips just came on ;)...


12. Helen: and I were talking about wedding plans! So excited for her and Yoseif...


13. Tuna: I ate a sandwich for lunch...this brings up Abbie because she hates it so much. A myriad of people who look down upon my obsession with it...


14. Allison: and I have had a lot of time together, talking, watching movies, rekindling our strong and adored relationship. She is talented and I can't wait until she is credited for her immense effort she gives to her work and my life...


15. Lauren: found her grandmother's sex book while cleaning out the Condo...no words...


Days like this make me so happy. Though it was a long one, it was full of conversation, people, sun and homework. I am in love with life right now. I am in love with the people in my life. One week of school to go! Planning summer! Now for sleep and dreams...

Shalom fragments

A new ipod for me!! She is orange! She has 8x more gigs than my old one :)
Old one

New one-named...are you ready for it...The Queen


I am reading Kurt Vonnegut's "Armageddon in Retrospect" and it is brilliant! My first Vonnegut read and I am head over heals in love. I am sure I am not the first, or the only person to feel a deep connection with this man. How I wish I could have had coffee with him. Sat down and talked to him, maybe a Tuesdays with Mourie kind of relationship (I actually haven't even read that, just aware of its social impact...)


I haven't slept this week. All five of my teachers decided that I should have a week of finals two weeks before finals! I have been reading, writing, and studying-only taking a few hours of sleep for five nights each night.

Tuesday: a man with the "belt of truth" and a large sign stood on the freedom of speech lawn at school. This sign said, "DON'T GO TO HELL" and was followed by a list of people who are going to hell: Jews, Muslims, Mormons, mouthy women, girly boys, etc... I was deeply offended. I am deeply offended. Hundred of my peers crowded around, taunting this man. The police were near, the President and Dean of Student Affairs, teachers and an ambulance all joined in the spectacle. Some of the student shouted they would rather go to hell than not know where the hell they were going. Others yelled that he had the swine flu. People were talking about it all over campus. They called him names. Called him a bigot and then shouted, "fucking bastard!"

I wanted to go up and apologize to every non-believer and make them know that this man was NOT representing Jesus. But I was working, so I prayed. I prayed for his heart and I prayed that my fellow student's ears would be closed from his lies. At that moment, I realized I was falling in love with Jesus. It felt personal that Jesus, on all sorts of levels, was being accused of hate.

Wednesday: the Spring Art Festival was held in the quad. The day before, the atmosphere on campus was hostile and cold. Wednesday, the air was full of peace. Students and teachers handed out canvases and asked people to paint what was beautiful. There was live acoustic music and a giant canvas where you could throw paint-filled balloons and create Pollock-like art. Even though Wed. was my longest and school-filled day- I hadn't felt so relaxed. Jesus' presence was on campus.


I still feel a little delirious from the lack of sleep I have had. This morning was a radical Bible study with my old and very good friends. I only went because I was strongly urged by a beautiful young woman whom I love.
I realized that the presence of G-d is good. And it is promised to me. It is promised to a lot of people.

We talked about a lot of things. We talked about fear. I fear a LOT of things. But I have a defense from Jesus. He defends me. My mom said to me today that she is ashamed of what I've done. But she adores who I am. And that is the difference. That is what I've been looking for all these years. I have been looking for a Jesus who understands that I need forgiveness, but who loves me. That's why He loves me.


A guidance is my mentors voice.
A protection is the breathe I just took.
A presence is the PEACE of Jesus.

So as I finish reading Vonnegut and continue to day dream of what it would be like to be close with someone who is brilliant, I will remember that though Vonnegut and I care about what people think of us, though we want to be passive, quiet and sad (when we are not), I will remember that Jesus is wholeness. He is the life.
Vonnegut gives advice to young writer and says to never use semi-colons.
I do not want to live a semi-coloned life (even though I do).
Jesus represents complete sentences.

shout out o'love

I have been hugely blessed with beautiful people in my life. Sometimes they last a day or two, I am used in their life, or they in mine. But sometimes they are are in my life for the long run. I am lucky to have a lot of those. But one that is on my mind right now is Kim.

I could write a book, maybe two about our almost six year relationship: her as a teacher, mentor, and friend to me. But I just want to say that I miss her. We haven't really seen or spoken to each other in over a month and that is too long. I love her. She is a perfect example of someone who is willing to be vulnerable. Yet she is so strong. And smart. I have tried to convey my affection to her through poetry, paintings, letters, and hugs- but I think the most valuable thing is that I trust her.


^2004, the second or third time we had met


^last year...