S

I am sitting on the floor in my living room, completely alone. There are about five or six people in my entire building. My roommates left for home for Thanksgiving this morning.

I have Judy Garland playing on the record player.

The sun is going down.

I just opened my email and got a message from an ex, S. It is the ninth or tenth in the thread of back and forth messages that have gone on over the last few months. He is getting married at the end of this week. S and I have been in and out of each others lives for the last three years and it is nice to catch up. I know what you might be thinking though: "Malka, not smart. You are talking with an EXboyfriend a few days before he gets married???"

Have no worries. They are innocent emails that go something like this:

me: can I have the cd with the song that you wrote for me?
S: sure. How is life?
me: it's good, I am living in SF. How are you? thanks S!
S: wow, I hadn't realized you moved! I am well, getting married.
me: shock.
S: yeah, and almost everyone else whom we were mutual friends with is also married or halfway there. Gd is good.
me: shock.
S: but you're sure your good? I am sorry for being a jerk.
me: yeah, you were pretty jerky. mazel tov.
S: thanks Malka, I knew I could count on you to understand. Gd is good.

It's funny how there has been SO much that has happened in my life: relationships, death, school, depression, joy, family stuff, friend stuff, etc... and I still go back to that stomach churning feeling whenever I see that I get a message from him. It;s not just S though. It's J, A, K, D and T. It's all the men that I love. All the men that I cannot have. All the men that Gd is not, as it appears, is not leading me too.

I burned so many hearts, and so many have burned mine, that I have lost the touch. I hear of people hearing a voice in them that says, "this is the person you're going to marry" and I hear that with every other guy who has a beard!

I just talked to a dear friend on the phone who is having her own boy depressions. Hers is more significant than mine, on a grand scale. But she gave a message of hope, I think she was telling it to herself as much as me, that instead of putting hope in men and guy's actions, our hope should rest in Yeshua. After all, I believe that he is in control and has my life known to him, so why not just relax and be honest and when things come up, just chill out and love.

If S taught me anything, it's that I need to be more careful with my trust.

I suppose that's not bad. I am grateful for him. I am also glad that I can say that I am still on good terms with everyone I have ever gotten to know deeply. S is one of those "deeps"...

and so it is...


^ S and me in a better time