my sister

My sister and I have lived a long time together. We always argue and we always laugh really hard. I love her. We don't believe in many of the same things, but we believe in love. Her voice to me is sweet and loving her has been one of the most beautiful things I could ever experience.

S

I am sitting on the floor in my living room, completely alone. There are about five or six people in my entire building. My roommates left for home for Thanksgiving this morning.

I have Judy Garland playing on the record player.

The sun is going down.

I just opened my email and got a message from an ex, S. It is the ninth or tenth in the thread of back and forth messages that have gone on over the last few months. He is getting married at the end of this week. S and I have been in and out of each others lives for the last three years and it is nice to catch up. I know what you might be thinking though: "Malka, not smart. You are talking with an EXboyfriend a few days before he gets married???"

Have no worries. They are innocent emails that go something like this:

me: can I have the cd with the song that you wrote for me?
S: sure. How is life?
me: it's good, I am living in SF. How are you? thanks S!
S: wow, I hadn't realized you moved! I am well, getting married.
me: shock.
S: yeah, and almost everyone else whom we were mutual friends with is also married or halfway there. Gd is good.
me: shock.
S: but you're sure your good? I am sorry for being a jerk.
me: yeah, you were pretty jerky. mazel tov.
S: thanks Malka, I knew I could count on you to understand. Gd is good.

It's funny how there has been SO much that has happened in my life: relationships, death, school, depression, joy, family stuff, friend stuff, etc... and I still go back to that stomach churning feeling whenever I see that I get a message from him. It;s not just S though. It's J, A, K, D and T. It's all the men that I love. All the men that I cannot have. All the men that Gd is not, as it appears, is not leading me too.

I burned so many hearts, and so many have burned mine, that I have lost the touch. I hear of people hearing a voice in them that says, "this is the person you're going to marry" and I hear that with every other guy who has a beard!

I just talked to a dear friend on the phone who is having her own boy depressions. Hers is more significant than mine, on a grand scale. But she gave a message of hope, I think she was telling it to herself as much as me, that instead of putting hope in men and guy's actions, our hope should rest in Yeshua. After all, I believe that he is in control and has my life known to him, so why not just relax and be honest and when things come up, just chill out and love.

If S taught me anything, it's that I need to be more careful with my trust.

I suppose that's not bad. I am grateful for him. I am also glad that I can say that I am still on good terms with everyone I have ever gotten to know deeply. S is one of those "deeps"...

and so it is...


^ S and me in a better time

a playlist

I've made some new friends and I have just finished making them a mix of songs that have either been with me a long time, or have touched my soul as of recent months.
Kyle and Christine are lovers of the same Gd and live just across a four foot "street" on campus. Besides Gd, they are lovers of laughter and joy. They give encouragement where it is needed. They are young in age, but not in spirit I am sure!

Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
A Rose for Emily by The Zombies
Missed the Boat by Modest Mouse
There is a Light that Never Goes Out by The Smiths
Vapour Trail by Ride
Pink Bullets by the Shins
People C'mon by Delta Spirit
Boy With the Arab Strap by Belle and Sebastian
Yoshima by the Flaming Lips
Angel Gabriel by Among the Oak and Ash
America by Simon and Garfunkel
Girl from the North Country by Bob Dylan
Go Places by the New Pornographers
Wildflowers by Tom Petty
The House of Gd Forever by Jon Foreman
Like A Prayer by Madonna

Music is so real.
I love listening to mixes like this on my ipod, when I am lying down somewhere that is quiet and vacant. This mix is an hour and five minutes. And I think it's worth at least that much to just lie there and fall into the sound and be free.

If you don't know these songs, you should listen to them- but ONLY if you really, truly listen to it. I am going to give Kyle and Christine one rule: the first time they listen to these tracks, they have to really listen and to it all in one sitting.

Shabbat Shalom!

baking tips

I made cookies yesterday for the Bible study I attend.



Actually, let me rewind to the third grade. My sister and I were attempting to make our first batch of cookies. We put the butter in a plastic bowl and then realized it had to be softened. We put the plastic bowl over the stove. Needless to say it caught on fire and we turned around just in time to...well I don't exactly remember what happened, but our house didn't burn down and we didn't finish making cookies.

Sixth grade my friend Emily and I were baking cookies while her mom took a nap. We forgot to add any sugar in and her mom got mad at us for wasting all the ingredients for nothing (the cookies were disgusting).

High School my sister and I were home alone one day- it was probably a Thursday because that's when our mom was at work and our brother with the neighbors- we decided to bake cookies, As The World Turns was on and it was midday. By the time we had everything ready, we hadn't yet preheated the oven. So we decided to screw it and just ate the cookie dough raw for the rest of our soap opera marathon.

So yesterday I am baking cookies with my Golden Spoon apron and my non-matching pans and bowls. Everything was going great, until I realized that the cookies (how can you NOT have a few cookies worth??) were rather sweet. I went back and read the directions and again and pieced my actions. I added 1 cup of brown sugar and 1 cup of granulated sugar. The directions say to use half a cup for both. oops.

My cookies taste good if you heat them in the toaster oven for about five minutes. They're flat and sweet. oh well. Maybe one day I will figure out how to make cookies, but until then it is an adventure perhaps.

catch up

so much time has passed!

I saw my generations teen pop idol's Hanson perform on the Quad at my school and was a few minutes late to my class because of it.

^Taylor Hanson

My roommates and I had a family meeting, then we had another family meeting with our RA, who has become a friend and nothing has changed. They are still inconsiderate, I am still lame and we are still a passive aggressive house.

I cut and died my hair.

I took and passed the JEPET exam. It is a silly English exam that you have to take when you are in upper division and 83% of students usually fail it. A huge weight off my shoulders.

I went on a spiritual retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ, or preferably known as City Cru. I made incredible connections with almost a dozen people. They are gems. Gd has been loud in giving me community when I most need it. It's amazing because we have such similar tastes in our humor, our music, our lives. We had four hours of silence and solitude on a furlough day on campus and it was beautiful.

^Nick, Kyle and Lewis

Last night, with one of the city cru girls, Kelly, we saw A Fine Frenzy, It was magnificent. I haven't been to a concert in such a long time and the time was refreshing. I think there should be a rule that musicians are not allowed to make eye contact with the audience. Because there are those 48 seconds that you're eyes are locked and he or she is singing a song to you and you fall in love. And the stomach love feeling stays with you for almost 24 hours and it's not fair.

^Ali from A Fine Frenzy

school is good. this month is crazy for me. I look forward to Seattle for Thanksgiving. It kind of freaks me out that I have less than a month of school left.
History, Jewish Studies: conflict is still on my mind.
My Charlotte is coming into town and I am ridiculously excited! We have plans to see Twelfth Night performed by the creative arts college in SFSU.
Until then:

Shabbat Shalom!

change of plan ?

I am so over my major.

Isn't this horrible? When does what I want and what I do intertwine? At least once a week I want to change my major or drop out of college.

ex: today during lecture, we were discussing Zionism and how it really came into fruition during the enlightenment period ie the French revolution. I noticed that my interest and attention peaked during the European history and when the lecture moved back towards Jews in eastern Europe I became extremely bored.

I know this is small and just one example of distraction, however I think this is a pointer to the fact that I am interested in history. Every history class I have ever taken has been a pleasure to take. I have always loved history. I love the art, I love the letters and the speeches, the wars and the peace. I love the conversations and the pictures, the boats and the castles, the marriages and deaths. I love it all.

I loved sign language, I loved women's studies, I even loved biology more than I am loving Jewish studies!!

What's going on????

I don't get it. I will finish my degree, but with what degree is the question.

I do not like this back and forth unsettling thought process.

I suppose I have the next topic for my shrink on Monday.

:)