another mad man

I'm currently listening to a song. It's called Sally's Story and it's rather obscure. A haunting Scottish tune. It makes you want to cry and laugh and be in love and be alone. It's from Mad Men, Season 3, Episode 1. It took some major stalking skills to find it.

I'm thinking about faith. I'm in one of those moments when you realize that you've led a life dreaming and speaking and maybe believing too, but you feel alone and dissatisfied. What does it mean to fall in love with someone who speaks your language, but does not believe in angels? What does it mean to work a job that is thankless. What does worship mean if it's not with people who know you, or to a Gd without a name? What does it mean to feel as if something powerful has bruised you, and you simultaneously believe that you actually deserved it.

Do you believe who/what Gd says you are?

I've heard this phrase a lot over the last few weeks. I've heard it in movies, books, blogs, status updates, and conversations. Is that not the question? I say that I am a quitter. But Gd says that I am safe. I say I am lost. But Gd says that I am found. I say that I am stupid. But Gd says that I am capable. I say that I am inadequate. Gd says I am better than that. I say I am doing pretty good as a young adult. Gd says that I actually need guidance. I say that I am okay living as a 'spiritual' person. Gd says that I need discipline. I say that I am homeless. But Gd says that home never left.

I could go on...

The song is over. But the conversation of this little girl in the big world, and the bigger story, is not finished.
breath, breath, breath.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am." -Sylvia Plath

transitions:

Moving. Packing. Readying. I move to a new life with my partner. And our friend with a dog. I am ecstatic and a little bit nervous. I find that my heart trembles, but my hands stay still when big things happen. Big things like: being accepted to a master's degree in counseling psychology (btw, starting in the fall). Shifting from a job that has been really hard to an unknown job that will have to pay the rent. Traveling to and from my old home/my parent's home. Traveling to the Virgin Islands (JUNE!). Therapists words: hard to hear sometimes.