it's an odd number, but a great day.

It's raining like crazy.

I am so in love.

It worked out that I am doing an independent study with one of my favorite professors.

I have absolutely no money.

I am listening to sad music, but I am not sad. It's appropriate.

I have a heating pad on my lap.

the girls are sleeping.

my tea is cold.

Shabbat was beautiful last night.

funny how moods work.

Gd is so good.

I woke up this morning, literally speaking a verse I haven't thought about in a long time:

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate...Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
1 Corinthians.

Now, to be honest. I haven't read the Bible to read the Bible in a really long time. Especially not Paul's epistles. BUT, I think these words are true. In spite of my apostate spiritual season. In leiu of my nature, ever giving, ever changing, ever taking.

remember.

adventures

Since the new year, I have experienced quite a few adventures with some new and very good friends.

Here is the proof:


^a feast with David and Sam


^my Nephew! (5 months old)


^Scrabble with Natalie and Christopher


^Salvation Mountain


^Leonard built Salvation Mountain to share Universal LOVE. He is 76 years old this year.


^Friends from City Cru and Leonard on January 2, 2011


^me and Amy near the Bixby Canyon Bridge.


^Kyle and Robert (okay, it was a photo-op)


^Ben, Amy, Kyle and Rob and I went on hikes in Big Sur a few days before school began.

walking

a hollow structure: a graduation.

you walk. there is applause. you walk.

but the walking does not stop there. you walk to job interviews in the months following. you walk back to the admissions office to get your transcripts sent to the 6 graduate schools you are applying for. you walk through new neighborhoods and old neighborhoods. you walk to the dentist appointment that is one year too late. you walk to the cheese boutique that you cannot help but wonder how it stays in business. you walk to your first, adult relationship. and you probably walk away from two or three more after that.

i don't have my diploma yet. yet, i am tired.

i don't want applause, or a hollow structure defining my way.

the lens, my walk, my dear, be clearer than the last.

i just want back in your head

I am back at my home in SF.

my roommates and I changed the living room. it looks rad.

the flight was lame.

my head hurts from thinking so much.

I spoke with my beautiful sister tonight. and we talked about so many good things.

I have not been able to stop thinking.

it's weird.

I am excited and terrified for my last semester to begin.

...

these days.

"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.”

-Boris Pasternak

I've been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot.

A few days ago was the birth date of a friend who is no longer flesh or breathe. It saddens me to think of the years he could have had. It angers me to think of the situation and the hurt. It confuses me that the process is so long. so long. so long, again, dear friend.

I am graduating in May. Let's not talk about it.

I am learning so much. I am learning things about food, history, art, relationships, communication, macbooks, myself. others. It is good.

breathe.

PS: next year I want to take dance classes, volunteer anywhere and everywhere, eat more fruits, veggies and nuts and attend the symphony and ballets, etc... Also libraries. I would like to try and get a job t a library.

Dorothy Parker

A Well-Worn Story

In April, in April,
My one love came along,
And I ran the slope of my high hill
To follow a thread of song.

His eyes were hard as porphyry
With looking on cruel lands;
His voice went slipping over me
Like terrible silver hands.

Together we trod the secret lane
And walked the muttering town.
I wore my heart like a wet, red stain
On the breast of a velvet gown.

In April, in April,
My love went whistling by,
And I stumbled here to my high hill
Along the way of a lie.

Now what should I do in this place
But sit and count the chimes,
And splash cold water on my face
And spoil a page with rhymes?

IF

Events.

It's so funny how one can be influenced, isn't it? I was on a liberal role for a few weeks. I wasn't very gracious. I was obsessed with new history and I began to reform my beliefs about the past. Especially American Christian past. I forgot where I came from. Lucky for me, I have mentors in my life who speak wisdom and faithfulness. So I called to them. And they gave the best responses.

I awoke this morning to an idea. What if I go to Seminary for Graduate school? I looked at my options and it looks like I might move back to southern CA. This is the last thing in the world that I want to do. But my people are there. My resources are there. My family is there. ... It's something to think about.

I do believe now, however, that my role in the world is not to be poet. What I mean is, I will always be a poet, but I do not want to make money or go to school for it. I think my calling is Ministry. I just don't know what that entails. It might be messianic. It might be Presbyterian. It might mean abroad missions. It might mean inner city. It might be the suburbs.

I still have the community/foster house in my heart.

Events.

It's funny how yesterday I thought I didn't want to go to Church or even call myself a Christian. I was frustrated that my journey is so complicated. But that is okay. I decided I am going to Church tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to. But I am in the mood to worship. I wish I could go to a Synagogue and pray. I pray the best when I am there. But Church can be the second best thing.