walking

a hollow structure: a graduation.

you walk. there is applause. you walk.

but the walking does not stop there. you walk to job interviews in the months following. you walk back to the admissions office to get your transcripts sent to the 6 graduate schools you are applying for. you walk through new neighborhoods and old neighborhoods. you walk to the dentist appointment that is one year too late. you walk to the cheese boutique that you cannot help but wonder how it stays in business. you walk to your first, adult relationship. and you probably walk away from two or three more after that.

i don't have my diploma yet. yet, i am tired.

i don't want applause, or a hollow structure defining my way.

the lens, my walk, my dear, be clearer than the last.

i just want back in your head

I am back at my home in SF.

my roommates and I changed the living room. it looks rad.

the flight was lame.

my head hurts from thinking so much.

I spoke with my beautiful sister tonight. and we talked about so many good things.

I have not been able to stop thinking.

it's weird.

I am excited and terrified for my last semester to begin.

...

these days.

"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.”

-Boris Pasternak

I've been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot.

A few days ago was the birth date of a friend who is no longer flesh or breathe. It saddens me to think of the years he could have had. It angers me to think of the situation and the hurt. It confuses me that the process is so long. so long. so long, again, dear friend.

I am graduating in May. Let's not talk about it.

I am learning so much. I am learning things about food, history, art, relationships, communication, macbooks, myself. others. It is good.

breathe.

PS: next year I want to take dance classes, volunteer anywhere and everywhere, eat more fruits, veggies and nuts and attend the symphony and ballets, etc... Also libraries. I would like to try and get a job t a library.

Dorothy Parker

A Well-Worn Story

In April, in April,
My one love came along,
And I ran the slope of my high hill
To follow a thread of song.

His eyes were hard as porphyry
With looking on cruel lands;
His voice went slipping over me
Like terrible silver hands.

Together we trod the secret lane
And walked the muttering town.
I wore my heart like a wet, red stain
On the breast of a velvet gown.

In April, in April,
My love went whistling by,
And I stumbled here to my high hill
Along the way of a lie.

Now what should I do in this place
But sit and count the chimes,
And splash cold water on my face
And spoil a page with rhymes?

IF

Events.

It's so funny how one can be influenced, isn't it? I was on a liberal role for a few weeks. I wasn't very gracious. I was obsessed with new history and I began to reform my beliefs about the past. Especially American Christian past. I forgot where I came from. Lucky for me, I have mentors in my life who speak wisdom and faithfulness. So I called to them. And they gave the best responses.

I awoke this morning to an idea. What if I go to Seminary for Graduate school? I looked at my options and it looks like I might move back to southern CA. This is the last thing in the world that I want to do. But my people are there. My resources are there. My family is there. ... It's something to think about.

I do believe now, however, that my role in the world is not to be poet. What I mean is, I will always be a poet, but I do not want to make money or go to school for it. I think my calling is Ministry. I just don't know what that entails. It might be messianic. It might be Presbyterian. It might mean abroad missions. It might mean inner city. It might be the suburbs.

I still have the community/foster house in my heart.

Events.

It's funny how yesterday I thought I didn't want to go to Church or even call myself a Christian. I was frustrated that my journey is so complicated. But that is okay. I decided I am going to Church tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to. But I am in the mood to worship. I wish I could go to a Synagogue and pray. I pray the best when I am there. But Church can be the second best thing.

thoughts on Gd.

"God is over all things, under all things, outside all; within but not enclosed; without but not excluded; above but not raised up; below but not depressed; wholly above, presiding; wholly beneath, sustaining; wholly without, embracing; wholly within, filling."

-Hildabert of Laverdin

It's been too long. My apologies.

Nothing better than:

Sufjan Stevens concert.
dancing/running in the rain at 12:30am with your roommate.
Uncle Benny's Donuts down the street.
a well written 5pg paper about Feminists and Fundamentalism in the 1920s.
thinking about a summer well spent.
reading poetry in a basement in the Mission district with three fabulous friends.
train ride to Davis from Emeryville.
Fenton's
midnight showing of "The Room"
the moma for free at 9pm
Luck be Thursday with the same fabulous friends.
21rst birthday celebrations
pink flash drives
a friend's boyfriend (who is a friend) fixing your computer when viruses attack!
star wars
breakfast at tiffany's, in the kitchen while it rains outside
baguette's with butter
baguette's with melted cheese
roommate making a bowl of cookie dough, simply to eat the dough
buying toilet paper
writing poetry
pictures
praying on a roof at school
having twelve unexpected guests for shabbat dinner
lighting the Shabbat Candles
taking your mom to the BlueGrass festival
letters in the mail
phone dates
real dates
the history of religion in america
modern american jewish history
watching your Prof on CNN yell at Peggy Noonan
texts
poetry
Sufjan Stevens
...