...raising a Queen

I heart Oakland

2011-10-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

The most difficult decision I made as a post-graduate was to move out of San Francisco.

San Francisco.
A city that is culturally and economically diverse. 7 by 7 miles long and wide, the buses never sleep nor do the locals tire of telling tourists how to get around. From bros in the Marina, to Lesbians in Bernal Heights, hipsters and latino families living harmoniously in the Mission district and white middle class students living wall to wall with a huge Asian population, the city is phenomenal. Some things are not so phenomenal, such as Powell street shopping and tenderloin poverty existing only blocks away from each other. Or the mass exodus of transient youth who romanticize Haight St. and sell their lives to the drug world. Then you have the food. Always ten different ethnic foods within ten minutes walking distance from your house. AND, of course, the politics. The nudists. The history, etc...

And I decided to leave it all behind.

Okay, I know I'm being slightly over dramatic. I moved fifteen miles away. But Oakland is a far cry from the city I love.

Yet, Oakland has charm that cannot compare with SF. You could spend time in berkeley, only to be bombarded with Cal students and beautiful streets and old buildings, or you could hang out in Emeryville (which isn't a real place). But Oakland is special. The people live and work and walk and bike and hold block parties and play latin music for the entire neighborhood to enjoy. The weather is divine- never too hot, never too cold. And, this is personal, I get to live five or so blocks from my love. I never get bored of driving to temescal to eat something great. I haven't tired yet of my bart station excitement (until it happened to us- $260 ticket = boo!). Also, gang members can be quite friendly too!

I look forward to this love affair with the east bay to grow, develop and produce adventures and affinity.

The Sherbert House

2011-09-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

My new house.
I like Oakland. They have block parties with little boys break dancing on the street. They have gardens in front of houses that anyone can pick and eat.
I like my roommates. They compliment my cooking and they dress nice. They are interesting, funny and smart and share dreams together.

Birthday Cookies: huge success!

Amy's birthday! 23!!

Jenna serenading us...

The Sherbert House

Photocredit to Chelsea!!!!!

ma tovu

2011-09-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

wake up every morning feeling directionless...

then I say this: ma tovu

then I say this: O Gd, in the abundance of your love, respond to me in truth with your help

and the day seems livable.

change. faith. working out.

2011-07-26T14:45:00.001-07:00

The real world got the better of me this summer.

I wish John Mayer hadn't written that song about running through HS doors and shouting at the top of his lungs that the real world is a figment of our imagination persuaded by the authorities. It's not totally true.

I've spent a good two months worrying about where I was going to spend this next year.

What about India? Israel? Northridge? San Francisco? San Francisco. Oakland? Oakland.

It's happening and it's happening fast. I found a fabulous living situation, by grace. The commute will be boring. But maybe I can make it a meditation. I was convinced for a solid two weeks that it wouldn't work out. I would have to leave my friends and my favorite city in the world because I had nothing. But it worked out. It's working out. And it's weird. Some people will say that it's just how the universe works. Things work out. Karma or something. My faith has changed. It's become something that it didn't use to be. I rest in the idea that Gd was behind it "working" for the best. And so I thank that Gd.

May I learn to be engaged with my elementary students.

May I be compassionate for my volunteer work with homeless youth.

May I be more patient with my love.

May I listen and communicate with my new roommates.

May I learn about myself better.

This next year is working out. And I like how it's looking...And may the people around me learn the same things: engagement, compassion, patience, communication and lending an ear. And may they love themselves as we are the beloved.

PS: I read Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved and it changed my life.
PPS: I stopped eating as much bread as I use to eat. Oh hello lettuce wraps!

close.

2011-07-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Saying goodbye to a year is hard. There was too much laughter. A few tears. A good year.

Now, on to OAKLAND, Land Of The Oaks.

VisuaLife

2011-06-09T09:37:00.001-07:00

William Fitzsimmons

The Shamrock

Game of Darts

BFF... Jenna, Torre, Rachel, me.

Nolan

Shabbat

Graduation Party: Marjorie, Molly, me and Sam

Graduation with Siblings

Graduation with the book that changed my life.

rabbinate

2011-06-09T09:26:00.001-07:00

"I believe in worship"

A woman sat next to me in her yoga attire at a quant cafe near both our houses. She is older than I am, with grey, shoulder length hair and round speckled glasses. A Jewish woman, a poet, a resource- wealth of knowledge and spirit. She asked me questions yesterday about my life. What I studied, where I want to go and what I want to do, who I am. I was slightly nervous because she sat there, comfortable and successful; accomplished and secure. I sat there with my security shall wrapped around me, slurping hot chocolate; trying to appear that I had not spent the last two.five weeks in crisis. I said that I was torn between the pursuit of therapy (as a vocation) or scholarship. She asked me if I had ever considered the Rabbinate. I said yes. But the truth is no. It would be a combination of those two things. And I think I would flourish, because I, like her, believe in worship.

a thought arose like a high watered bay.
it provoked every inch of security.
the cold shriveled her hands and the sound deafed her ears.
while all was weeping silently.
her expression silently teared.

Day 4

2011-05-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

When missionaries abroad come back to the States for furlough, or whatever, they are prepared. It's called debrief. They are taught to remember that the home they are returning to is the same, and will bring shock because the individual has changed quite drastically.

Mothers are prepared for a little something called postpartum depression. The anticipation of a child, prepping the room, prepping your heart, etc... Then you bring home the bundle of joy and it cries. It needs you. You are objectified by a thing that cannot speak nor can it talk. And you don't want to feed it. You don't want to nourish your own body, etc...

So here's my question: why doesn't anyone tell you about post-graduation blues? It's a real thing. And it sucks.

I've applied to two jobs this week. I made it out of the house to visit one friend. I went shopping. And I've thought about getting another tattoo. I make breakfast, but refuse to do the dishes. I take the dog (housesitting) on walks, but it's mostly because he gives me the saddest looks.

I am bored. I am sooo bored. I am ugly and frustrated. I want to move. I want to travel. I want to want to clean and be pretty. This is going to be a hard summer...

the days roll, roll away like wheels on jack's hill

2011-05-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

It's midnight. Between Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday my second thesis is due.
Friday I have two papers due.
The last two papers.

And then I get to meet up with my sister and her bf.
Grocery shopping. Meet up with the rest of the family.
Shabbat dinner. The next morning, clean and
set up for party. Get into my robe and gown.
And walk. Walk.

It's in four days.

the annex. again.

2011-05-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

I am here. Surrounded by two hundred young people who are studying hard. Some take smoke breaks. Others take facebook breaks. Still others sleep with their heads nestled against their laptop.

My break consists of this blog.

For some strange reason, it is this space that I have created as a safe place. No one leaves comments anymore- but that is a very good thing. It's for me. Not for you (sorry Natalie and mom). It's a place that I can check and recheck and write and rewrite and there is no grade. No determination of worth here.

Recently, someone said to me that no matter what grades I get this semester, my worth to them will not change. Their love for me will not diminish. Even if I lose the honor-status that I carry. I bought my gold chain today. The tassel that adorns the robe one wears when they graduate. They call me a distinguished student. I think it's full of shit. But I am doing it. I already did it. I already spent countless nights procrastinating and freaking out about papers and assignments, etc. I am almost finished doing that.

Tonight is the exception. I am sitting here, in my beloved annex-fake-library writing the first draft of a 15 page paper which is due tomorrow at 8:45 am. I am sitting here, with six pages down, not freaking out. A MIRACLE, I know. I am enjoying every second of it actually. I enjoy birthing sentences and listening to the rustling of keyboards type, type, type away.

I can't go home tonight. So, I might as well be settled. The last bus left five minutes ago. I am stuck. I suppose I could call someone on campus, but why not spend the night on a dirty two seater couch in a hot, bug infested room? I won't have to do this for a very long time, why not relish in it.

So that is my resolution- the last week of classes; the week before finals, exactly ten days until I turn in my last paper of the semester; I will not stress out. I will not yell at anyone (an embarrassing history), nor will I pity myself. Instead, here now, I pledge to myself that I, Malka which means queen, will enjoy her last moments of an undergraduate.

Annex as my witness.

ema

2011-05-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

To my mother. Who moves mountains. Who loves deeply. Who listens well. Who prays with expectation. Who laughs without inhibition. Who gives abundantly. Who smiles widely; and who seeks peace in all situations.

Days of the Week...

2011-05-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

Day 1: (humanities) ready for the week.

Day 2: (science) notice I am wearing the exact same outfit.

Day 3: (annex) too embarrassed to show the same shirt/scarf combo again.

Day 4: (bedroom) attacked.

ode to the purple robe

2011-05-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: profanity and severe stress...

IS there some point when we're given the answers? Or an open door? Or a key? Or a map? Or a compass? Or perhaps a companion who is directionally exceptional?

I am graduating in 16 days (or something like that). I find myself going three days with very little sleep and producing two papers and a presentation. Then I recoup for a day; maybe two. Then I get so stressed, hardly believing that I allowed myself to waste time when I could be thinking, writing, rethinking, rewriting, etc... I just have a lot of fucking writing to do. How much, you might ask?

Independent Study: 15
Modern China: 7
Women's History: 8-10
Pro-Seminar: 15 (17 written. 17 to perfect)
and
Bob Dylan: 100 multiple choice final exam.

MIght I add that they have to be organized and intelligent. Ready to send to grad school in the next two years. Proof to my Prof's that they taught me something valuable. Proof to myself that I know something.

Last night, I lay in bed for 2.5 hours before finally popping a nyquil. My mind was racing with new ideas for my papers, going from one to another. My heart was palpitating a million miles a minute. I thought it might just explode. My friend, the GRAD student, said that her last week or so of her undergraduate degree was spent on adoral and some other prescription drug. I feel a little better.

I have worked so hard the past four years. Really. My grade point average might not be phenomenal, but it is pretty darn good. And I have excellent relationships with most of my Professors. I have met really fascinating people. And I have learned about the world and all of its inadequacies and its beauty.

And in 16 days I will walk across a stage with thousands of other people and receive an empty folder. I will shake hands with someone I don't know and I will be overwhelmed, trying to track down my family in either the heat or the cold. I might run into people I know; we'll hug and kiss and tell each other "mazel tov!"

And then we'll drink beer and sleep and watch movies for a week or two. Then we'll travel a bit. Maybe home, or the East Coast, or maybe Portland. And then we'll start looking for jobs, or move to different, cheaper towns. And reality will hit like a wrecking ball. And we'll sink or swim. I hope I swim.

But I hope I am not still wearing that damn purple robe.

can I walk yet?

2011-05-04T14:40:00.001-07:00

16 days.

patience, grasshopper.

Gd-group

2011-05-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, my love and some friends and I started something. We started something that might get bigger. It's big to us.

It's unofficially called Gd-group.

And not all of us even believe in Gd. We are young people who believe in spirituality. Some of us are angry. Some of us are hurt. All of us are curious. All of us are pretty smart. All of us are beautiful and deep man and women. (Only one dude so far...)

Last night we read a poem. And we talked about heaven and hell. Actually, and more specifically, we talked about death. What we believe and why. It was powerful. And it was significant. One of us was raised with metaphysical beliefs and Judaism. Most of us were raised with an Evangelical background. Some of us still go to Church, others of us have denounced their Christian faith. We have a set of rules too. No side-conversations. Definition of terms, ie: predestination. We have to share our stories. And we ask for vulnerability. It's a safe place. We don't want it to look like a stereotypical Bible study, but we do want to encourage debate and discourse.

I love this group. Sometimes I say dumb stuff. But again, it's a place that is safe. So when i say dumb stuff (ex: matrix comment...I have never seen this movie, and it had nothing to do with our conversation) people still walk away with smiles and love toward me. It's nice.

It's the first real thing that I have helped start. It's the first real thing that I feel good about. It's the first real thing that I feel safe exploring. We're big kids now.

PS: Update as I venture through the second to last week of my undergraduate career: losing sleep over rethinking my thesis. losing patience for the 7 people living in my house. losing hope that i can actually finish this semester with a decent grade point average. gaining friends who see the real me and who love it still.

oh hello political spiel.

2011-05-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Mass texts, facebook statuses, tweets, press conferences, peace for the grieving families of 9/11, celebration for America’s armed forces and anger (righteous anger, mind you) for pacifists.

It’s a big deal for our generation.

Sputnik. Kennedy’s assassination. Vietnam. The destruction of the Iron Curtain. Princess Diana’s death. Columbine. Yes, even 9/11. This is what brought us here. Okay, maybe not Lady Di so much, but these major events have made our people, our military, our culture what it is today.

We are vengeance hungry. An eye for an eye. We want retribution for loss. We think we're on top and we want to keep it that way. And over the last ten years, we’ve fought a war to find a man who screamed at us, saying, “You have an enemy.”

America always wins. Does anyone doubt this? I don’t think so. Let’s take a walk back through history to look at the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, shall we? The “sleeping dragon” was awakened and we killed and killed for justice. And we went to “sleep” again. And we were awakened again.

And we have spent the last ten years in half a dozen countries, killing and being killed.

I have friends in the military. They find pride and they find satisfaction and significance with their work and vocation. I do not argue with that. But my beliefs about Osama’s death and my reaction to the thousands of reactions go deeper than our military.

It goes to spirituality.
It goes to salvation and love
It goes to the message of peace and transparency.

So maybe instead of praising our national intelligence and claiming “justice” for innocent lives, let’s think of ways to be awakened to the world. Let’s think of ways to be awakened to grace and the kind of justice that Gd talks about. Let’s think of ways to be friends to enemies and lovers of peace. And when we think about ways to heal that do not consist of murder, let’s actually do it.

Proverbs 24:17 “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles.”

grace

2011-04-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

Christopher got accepted to Edinburgh! This is very exciting. N and T are getting married this summer (sayeth the bridesmaid!) and their life together is going to travel the world. I am so proud of them.

J's house-mate's cousin just gave birth to her second baby boy.

I got an email yesterday that I have been accepted to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts degree this Spring. I suppose they approve of everything. My honors include cum laude. I guess that's pretty cool.

I had a successful meeting with one of my Professors the other day. I am very excited and very nervous about the theses I am writing, and will finish in 6 weeks.

William Fitzsimmons is performing at the Independent in May and I get to go with K and J.

We're planning a very small, intimate and beautiful Passover seder next week. It's going to be sincere and great.

And I cried and cried all day today.

Life is just really overwhelming right now. I am trying my best to keep my community together and also include a new Love. And it's going to take some getting used to. Communicating. Adjusting. Loving and Believing. It's all grace my friend.

iSF

2011-04-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

Today is beautiful.

I got to brunch with S & D. The sun is out. A light breeze through my window. The house is clean. My room is cleaned. I am clean. My love is coming over soon. Shabbat is tonight. I made a sweet dance-party mix. My feet are killing me from dancing at an 80s club last night. Worth it.

SF, you've won me over once again.

6 weeks

2011-03-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Six weeks of my UnderGraduate life is left.
Six years working toward this degree.

I am pooped. The weather is incredible this week in SF. I don't want to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to think. I just want to lay on the grass, in the sun. I just want to sleep.

This Senioritis is killing me slowly. It's a wonder that anyone finishes. I hope I finish well. I hope my Professor's acknowledge that this is the end. And that I am tired. I hope I want to finish, as much as I think I do.

I am so happy. The happiest I have been in a long time. I have a best friend who I get to lounge with, talk with, walk with, eat with, dream with.

Funny... how life just gets around. And how we get around with it. What does that even mean? Who knows.

it's an odd number, but a great day.

2011-02-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

It's raining like crazy.

I am so in love.

It worked out that I am doing an independent study with one of my favorite professors.

I have absolutely no money.

I am listening to sad music, but I am not sad. It's appropriate.

I have a heating pad on my lap.

the girls are sleeping.

my tea is cold.

Shabbat was beautiful last night.

funny how moods work.

Gd is so good.

I woke up this morning, literally speaking a verse I haven't thought about in a long time:

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate...Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
1 Corinthians.

Now, to be honest. I haven't read the Bible to read the Bible in a really long time. Especially not Paul's epistles. BUT, I think these words are true. In spite of my apostate spiritual season. In leiu of my nature, ever giving, ever changing, ever taking.

remember.

adventures

2011-01-23T23:17:00.001-08:00

Since the new year, I have experienced quite a few adventures with some new and very good friends.

Here is the proof:

^a feast with David and Sam

^my Nephew! (5 months old)

^Scrabble with Natalie and Christopher

^Salvation Mountain

^Leonard built Salvation Mountain to share Universal LOVE. He is 76 years old this year.

^Friends from City Cru and Leonard on January 2, 2011

^me and Amy near the Bixby Canyon Bridge.

^Kyle and Robert (okay, it was a photo-op)

^Ben, Amy, Kyle and Rob and I went on hikes in Big Sur a few days before school began.

walking

2011-01-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

a hollow structure: a graduation.

you walk. there is applause. you walk.

but the walking does not stop there. you walk to job interviews in the months following. you walk back to the admissions office to get your transcripts sent to the 6 graduate schools you are applying for. you walk through new neighborhoods and old neighborhoods. you walk to the dentist appointment that is one year too late. you walk to the cheese boutique that you cannot help but wonder how it stays in business. you walk to your first, adult relationship. and you probably walk away from two or three more after that.

i don't have my diploma yet. yet, i am tired.

i don't want applause, or a hollow structure defining my way.

the lens, my walk, my dear, be clearer than the last.

i just want back in your head

2011-01-11T21:39:00.001-08:00

I am back at my home in SF.

my roommates and I changed the living room. it looks rad.

the flight was lame.

my head hurts from thinking so much.

I spoke with my beautiful sister tonight. and we talked about so many good things.

I have not been able to stop thinking.

it's weird.

I am excited and terrified for my last semester to begin.

...

these days.

2010-12-05T00:21:00.000-08:00

"For a moment, she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She was here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name.”

-Boris Pasternak

I've been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot.

A few days ago was the birth date of a friend who is no longer flesh or breathe. It saddens me to think of the years he could have had. It angers me to think of the situation and the hurt. It confuses me that the process is so long. so long. so long, again, dear friend.

I am graduating in May. Let's not talk about it.

I am learning so much. I am learning things about food, history, art, relationships, communication, macbooks, myself. others. It is good.

breathe.

PS: next year I want to take dance classes, volunteer anywhere and everywhere, eat more fruits, veggies and nuts and attend the symphony and ballets, etc... Also libraries. I would like to try and get a job t a library.

Dorothy Parker

2010-11-06T16:12:00.001-07:00

A Well-Worn Story

In April, in April,
My one love came along,
And I ran the slope of my high hill
To follow a thread of song.

His eyes were hard as porphyry
With looking on cruel lands;
His voice went slipping over me
Like terrible silver hands.

Together we trod the secret lane
And walked the muttering town.
I wore my heart like a wet, red stain
On the breast of a velvet gown.

In April, in April,
My love went whistling by,
And I stumbled here to my high hill
Along the way of a lie.

Now what should I do in this place
But sit and count the chimes,
And splash cold water on my face
And spoil a page with rhymes?

IF

2010-11-06T15:47:00.001-07:00

Events.

It's so funny how one can be influenced, isn't it? I was on a liberal role for a few weeks. I wasn't very gracious. I was obsessed with new history and I began to reform my beliefs about the past. Especially American Christian past. I forgot where I came from. Lucky for me, I have mentors in my life who speak wisdom and faithfulness. So I called to them. And they gave the best responses.

I awoke this morning to an idea. What if I go to Seminary for Graduate school? I looked at my options and it looks like I might move back to southern CA. This is the last thing in the world that I want to do. But my people are there. My resources are there. My family is there. ... It's something to think about.

I do believe now, however, that my role in the world is not to be poet. What I mean is, I will always be a poet, but I do not want to make money or go to school for it. I think my calling is Ministry. I just don't know what that entails. It might be messianic. It might be Presbyterian. It might mean abroad missions. It might mean inner city. It might be the suburbs.

I still have the community/foster house in my heart.

Events.

It's funny how yesterday I thought I didn't want to go to Church or even call myself a Christian. I was frustrated that my journey is so complicated. But that is okay. I decided I am going to Church tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to. But I am in the mood to worship. I wish I could go to a Synagogue and pray. I pray the best when I am there. But Church can be the second best thing.

thoughts on Gd.

2010-11-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

"God is over all things, under all things, outside all; within but not enclosed; without but not excluded; above but not raised up; below but not depressed; wholly above, presiding; wholly beneath, sustaining; wholly without, embracing; wholly within, filling."

-Hildabert of Laverdin

2010-10-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

It's been too long. My apologies.

Nothing better than:

Sufjan Stevens concert.
dancing/running in the rain at 12:30am with your roommate.
Uncle Benny's Donuts down the street.
a well written 5pg paper about Feminists and Fundamentalism in the 1920s.
thinking about a summer well spent.
reading poetry in a basement in the Mission district with three fabulous friends.
train ride to Davis from Emeryville.
Fenton's
midnight showing of "The Room"
the moma for free at 9pm
Luck be Thursday with the same fabulous friends.
21rst birthday celebrations
pink flash drives
a friend's boyfriend (who is a friend) fixing your computer when viruses attack!
star wars
breakfast at tiffany's, in the kitchen while it rains outside
baguette's with butter
baguette's with melted cheese
roommate making a bowl of cookie dough, simply to eat the dough
buying toilet paper
writing poetry
pictures
praying on a roof at school
having twelve unexpected guests for shabbat dinner
lighting the Shabbat Candles
taking your mom to the BlueGrass festival
letters in the mail
phone dates
real dates
the history of religion in america
modern american jewish history
watching your Prof on CNN yell at Peggy Noonan
texts
poetry
Sufjan Stevens
...

sa la ve

2010-09-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

There is a band called

The Danielson Famile

they make weird music, but it's really cool. There is one song that sounds sooooo familiar and I think my sister put it on a mix for me that she made a couple of years ago. They are a Christian family and they performed in bars while wearing nurses uniforms to reflect the healing power of Gd. They would pray during their concerts.

I am at the pub and I have class in an hour. I feel like I am in a bizarro world.

I am so grateful for my friends. for my family. for the ability to go to college. etc.

I am super bummed that I am missing briefing this year. i forgot how much I miss my fhpc faith family until recently. dang it.

well...Gd is good and I will see them soon.

perhaps...

2010-08-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

it is sunday and i like the weather.
i like that i can see the muni from my bay window.
i like that i can turn the oven on and it warms the house.
i like that i can buy some clothes at a thriftstore called the most fabulous thrift store in the world.
i like that i can go to a bar and have a glass of beer and it is not too much.
i like that i have a community of friends here in the city.
i like that i am appreciated and have the chance to love people.

i don't like that i miss the people i worked with this summer.
i don't like that i miss the people in san diego.
i don't like that i miss my family and the new baby.

my chicken is ready (out of the oven)... perhaps i will watch sleepless in seattle.

the trees say hello

2010-08-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last week of camp.

I have learned so much this summer. I learned that community is hard, but it is sweet. I have learned that it is possible to really love people. I learned that defining myself by LOVE and reconstructing my way is good and pleasing to Gd.

I am excited for this next year. I am excited about this last summer.

days go by

2010-07-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

Jimmy.
He is my friend. I miss him. He lights my world well. He sees good things and he thinks deeply. I cherish him.
Kim.
She is my friend. Today's convo was amazing. She processes well. She helps me see the connections and we laugh together. I adore her.
Natalie.
She is my friend. She plans well and I learn from her. She sees hope and she knows me well. I care about her.
Deleir.
He is my friend. He is a great communicator. He helps those who need. He is a learner and a passionate person. I respect him.
Ema and Abba.
They are my parents. They are great listeners and encouragers. They know how to love very well. I love them.
Beth.
She is my friend. She laughs and paves love with gold lining. The way she dances reflects her heart. I admire her.

I can think of a hundred more people who have changed my life and I am grateful. This summer is a season I will never forget; never ever will I forget. Praise G-d from whom all blessings flow. It is amazing to me how I learn patience and rest. It is amazing to me how I learn friendship. Community is my favorite.

the sum

2010-06-30T15:59:00.001-07:00

it is strange not keeping up with the world and my world.

facebook is totally overwhelming.

filling out rent questionares for possible future landlords.

living in the sun and wearing hats and sandals all day.

living for the youth. serving them, loving them. asking them to think and to love.

getting girl talk and adventures with my roommates in the woods.

having respomsibilities and then sliding into the lake.

hug and kiss thursday.

missing my people. learning about myself.

10 things

2010-06-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

girl looks at me and says that when i made contact with her in our team communion, she felt loved.

two am date night with Katty in the woods.

deliriousness.

the women deans initiation- a beautiful blessing written on our wall and a heartfelt prayer from our director.

hug and kiss thursdays.

fart machine that my student let me borrow for a night.

a shower after the mudbowl.

encouragment.

bonnie's worship experience.

the guys jumping around like gorillas.

^such is life at camp.

i am still...

2010-06-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

packing.

I had quite a morning: Dr's appointment, coffee date and shopping for mud clothes (FH mud bowl).

woohoo. I am really, really excited about swaping storied with people this summer.

I am really excited about making new friends and living in community.

I am super bummed to leave SD people again.

But I rest assured that those relationships will last for a very long time.

I hope the experience of camp this summer will better my knowledge of myself and Jesus.

2010-06-08T23:16:00.001-07:00

can I just say that I am obsessed with this picture!!

I'll be honest, Natalie totally inspired this post.

I am packing, again, to go 9 weeks in the mountains.

Half of me is convinced that I am going for spiritual reasons: to live in community and provoke deeper conversations with Gd and between HS students and Gd. The other half of me knows that being staff at FH doesn't exactly mean you are going for the right reasons. I spoke with L today and she said that it will be challenging and beautiful. People will make-out, get mad, make up and be real. I am trying to process the human-ness of it all.

My freshman year at FH, I forgot jean pants. It gets very, very cold at night and the entire week I borrowed other girl's jeans. I remember I took communion one night and it hit me hard that Jesus was the Savior.

My Sophomore year was pretty great. Lots of sex talks in the bathroom. I saw Kim's underwear and she and I had a really long and good talk in Heather's car one night. I was angry at this point in my life. I learned more communication skills that week. I also forgot to bring a sleeping bag.

My Junior year at FH was...well it was okay. Kim was pregnant. Angie was pregnant. Most of that week I remembered jealousy. I also remember L. I recall a moment when we were by the bathrooms down the hill and she smiled and asked if I wanted to join her in a stroll. That's the same year Charlotte and I started walking around the lake.

The summer before my Senior year I forgot to bring soap. I fell in love with someone. I don't remember his name, but I remember that another girl took him away.

The summer I graduated, I also had an internship. It would be the first summer that I was a camper and a counselor. FH represented so much for me. It represented a journey. It represented praying with a friend who was suffering from depression underneath a tree. I fell in love with a boy who actually liked me too. We dated. He had long ties with FH. He was a musician.

There was one summer that I did not go to FH.

The summer after that, last summer, I visited for a day. I felt like I was at home. I also went to Jr. High camp and Young Adult Briefing- but there is something specific and special about High School summer camp at lakeview.

I hope that expectations are met. I hope that Gd is seen. I hope that I meet people who are good for me. I hope that we are not exclusive.

I am going to miss my friends a lot- I already miss the ones in SF. But since I have been in SD, I will miss them too. I have spent a fabulous two weeks with these people; an array of them, all very unique and lovely. Wine, beer, cheese, Mexican food, starbucks, shopping, movies, late night talks, long talks, short kisses, long hugs, tall boys and medium girls, surprises and routine.

These seasons are fascinating; I don't want them to runaway.

Job 38:19

2010-06-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

What is the way to the abode of light?

^I love this.

I want to write poetry and I think this verse, from a man who held hope close, though he was broken, will be my thesis. I like this idea... portfolio, here I come!

2010-05-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

home again.

2010-05-25T12:00:00.001-07:00

I am lounging in the guest room in my parents house.

It is very weird. I am extremely sad to leave the people and life I had this last year in SF- but I am also extremely happy to be in a town that has been good to me.

SF is adventure, SD is safety.

I pulled up to my house at 2am. This morning my mom and i returned the rental car and then we went to my starbucks. J was working and it was a good moment. He made me sweet tea lemonade. Then we stopped by my Church and K, D and lots of babies were around. It was a perfect hello. I was worried everything would be overwhelming, like it had been during Christmas. My therapist and I talked a lot about my homecoming and I think that, so far, it has been good.

Jimmy and my road trip down was fantastic!! I am going to miss him a lot. He and I texted out boss most of the way, which was fun.

I am super tired, but I am also ready to start seeing people! :)

happiness!

a move

2010-05-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

I am packing. Dang, it sucks. I have thrown away so many papers and donated so many clothes to goodwill. And I still have four or five small boxes. And I still have a messy bathroom and bedroom.

oy vey.

I am very sad to leave my new Church, Reality SF. I am very sad to leave my RA team. I am very sad to leave the greatest city in the world.

I am very grateful to have made the friends I have made. I am very grateful to have had therapy. I am very grateful that I have had incredible bosses!

I am so excited to see my Faith family in SD. I am so excited to see my lovely family and preggo! I am so excited to start Forest Home.

...

pray that me and jimmy's road trip goes well! :)

bye...

2010-05-22T18:33:00.001-07:00

I just worked two very long day.

I just finished a very difficult academic semester.

My first year in San Francisco is now over.

I am packing and saying goodbyes.

It is extremely bittersweet.

Acts 17:11

a week in pictures...

2010-05-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

^self explanatory...

^random hallway graffiti

^my first netflix!

a friend.

2010-05-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need a friend.

I watched "An Education" tonight with my friends and this movie freaked me out!

I started to feel sad: how messed up I am, how broken I've become, mistakes I've made, afogs yet to come, etc, etc, etc...

Then I went and found my friend Jimmy.

We talked for over an hour. He listened to me. Really listened. Offered more than advice. He offered me his time and his friend-devotion.

My therapist once said that Jimmy is perfect for me (as a friend)...

Now, I am soaking in his words.

His words include: you're worth it. don't fear. be caring and be the best person you can be. what are you afraid of? what is selfishness? you're great. i care.

It's nice to know that I have made a kindred here.

ph

2010-05-10T13:55:00.001-07:00

^someone has really nice friends...

^ASL documentary was BA. This is Greg. He is the Sound guy.

^my co-worker and director of the project. Michael.

^in protest of Arizona's new law.

^Christine, Kyle, Chris and Anthony. We laugh a lot...

^at the embarcadero, I passed a man and we nodded at each other. He handed me this rose.

^Charlotte...spur of the moment weekend visit!

^City Cru end of the year celebration. I have learned that Gd is so in control of life. These people are angels.

when I grow up.

2010-05-09T22:30:00.001-07:00

I am going to graduate college with a degree in HISTORY at San Francisco State University.

I am going to change my name.

Then I am going to get my MFA in POETRY at Seattle Pacific University.

I am going to publish a book of poetry and/or short creative non-fiction stories.

After that, I am going to move back to San Francisco and pay off my loans.

I might meet someone and be in a relationship for a year or two.

Then I am going to have a mid-20s crisis and shave my head and move to India or Africa.

I am going to come back and adopt a little girl and name her Annie.

Then I am going to start my community house.

I should be 30 years old by then.

Haight-Ashbury

2010-05-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

Music

The Pretty Things:

Priscilla Ahn:

Procol Harem:

Alexi Murdoch:

Sufjan Stevens:

The Smart Brothers:

Metric:

Remy Zero:

New Light Ruins:

Visitors

Charlotte

Andy

Talia

Jason

Kelly

School

2 final drafts due

1 in class essay

1 take home final

Work

40 hours the week of finals

Move

rent a car

rent a storage space

pack!

I am this woman.

2010-05-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I apologize.

The last week I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.

The last three days I have been in the Library Annex for over 15 hours combined.

I have written 25 pages of scholarly analysis and argued my way into the 16th century world of women poets and the Jewish immigrant woman of the Progressive era.

I have had late night laughing fits with my co-workers and early morning tears at the overwhelming load I carry.

My therapist and I are preparing for our last two meetings, ever. I am really sad about this separation. Our relationship is like non other and I grieve that I will possibly never see her again.

Housing owns my soul.

I have to miss a meeting with my summer-camp counselors because of housing.

Jimmy is my best friend. Something happened in the last few days; a connection, a familiar spark.

I need a break. I have been sleeping very poorly and thinking too much. My thoughts have been racing through moving things, school things, work things, family things, friend things, life things, sad things, happy things, everything.

I am tired. I am homesick. I am excited to see Kim. I am excited to sleep in the guest room of my house.

Gd has been good to me. All the people who I've met this last year make me so thankful for Jesus. I cannot believe that I have made such lasting friends, already!

I am stoked to go home. And I am stoked to recount this last year.

I like who I am.

I don't say this to be selfish, but in the last couple of episodes of my life, I have enjoyed her. Even through the crazy. I anticipate, with smiles all around, the next episode!

pancakes, therapy, ASL, music, homesick

2010-04-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

busy. overwhelmed. blessed. present.

I have three research papers due in less than a month. Two of them are near finished. One I haven't begun the research yet.

Today was the Jesus Pancaked day. Because my Bible Study and I feel that our relationship with Gd represents HOME, we thought, "what is home?" ... Pancakes. :) We set up a living room art installation in the quad on SFSU's campus and served free pancakes and gave our free books and Bibles. It was quite radical.

I am still able to have lunch with my friends in the Dining Center. I always make conversation with Deborah, the lunch lady.

I am interpreting in ASL for my friend Michael's documentary for his final project (before he graduates!) about the cochlear implant controversy between the medical and the Deaf community. I am not an interpreter, but I am really good at Sign Language, so Michael asked if I was avail and I was! It was so life giving to interact with the interviewees. I am a visual learner, so asl has always come naturally to me. I haven't used it in a little under a year, but it came back with a vengeance.

I created that folk music playlist and it has really gotten me through this week. I love music. I love sounds. I love words.

Interesting isn't it- this week has been so focused on therapy for me. Jesus was so involved in this week. I recognized Him. I sought Him out. I have not slept, but that's okay. I am helping people. I am helping myself.

hmm...only one more month and then I can go home.

I am most looking forward to playing with the D.R. boys, sitting on the red couch and drinking tea with Kim, making dinner with my mom, listening to my brother play the guitar, driving to my starbucks, driving to my Church. Starting a journey at Forest Home (I got Dean, btw!!!!) and meeting people, learning about them and me. So much to look forward to and so much to do now.

*sigh

the best mix ever...I call it:

2010-04-19T01:45:00.000-07:00

Folk Procrastination.

Winter Song...Ingrid Michaelson

Babylon...David Gray

Abram...Jose Gonzales

Square One...Tom Petty

Small Blue Thing...Susanne Vega

Road...Nick Drake

Heaven's Gate...The Smart Brothers

someone that Charlotte put on a mix for me...it's a guy singing

Love and Some Verses...Iron and Wine

Fast Car...Tracy Chapman

Chicago...Sufjan Stevens

Orange Sky...Alexi Murdoch

Hallelujah...Jeff Buckley

Lille...Lisa Hannigan

9 Crimes...Damien Rice

Girlfriend in a Coma...the Smiths

Diamonds and Rust...Joan Baez

Closer to Find...Indigo Girls

Anchorage...Michelle Shocked

Hazy...Rosie Golan

Much Farther to Go...Rosie Thomas

storms and SUNSHINES

2010-04-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

A lot of storms, but the sunshines were that much greater!

Storm: fighting over programs with a superior. I was fighting really hard for a co-worker and she will probably never know the extent of my defense for her and our job. Midterm drama. Covered two people's shifts at the DPRC and slept very little. Someone I know has an eating disorder, we think, and I have been designated to do the "intervention" and this person is irritable. A prayer night gone astray and a cancellation of an interpreting (ASL) job that I was really looking forward to.

Sunshine: I got promoted for my summer camp job. This is a serious highlight. Gd really honored a lot of things about this process and I feel really relieved and at peace. Remy took me out for lunch for my birthday. The conversation is always refreshing. The dance last night was amazing. I love dancing. I love dancing to hip hop, with an interpretive edge. I was complimented by a co-worker, who is a believer, who I have thing for.

That's all I can think of for now.

I am tired. In five weeks, I can go to the house I grew up and sleep. Eat healthy food and be surrounded by love.

lazy...

2010-04-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

^ on my birthday

it's raining so hard right now. got back from Davis visiting Charlotte- amazing. listening to Coffee Talk with Linda Richmond aka: Mike Meyers. i feel pretty great right now. and very lazy. i have SO much homework to do. and no time. no time at all.

my birthday

2010-04-04T21:13:00.001-07:00

It’s interesting, as you get older, perspective shifts.

I took notice today of the people who treated me as if they actually deeply cared that I was born and am a part of their lives. Some old friends remembered that it is not just Easter today. Some new friends realized that MLK (today is his assassination anniversary) is all the consonants in my name. I still haven’t heard from three very important people. I have heard from a ton of acquaintances.

Only one old friend called me to remind me that I am loved.

Only one new friend hugged me.

I have such good people around me. The ones who are far, the ones who are close. I am really blessed.

This morning my sister and her lovely bestest and bestest’s boyfriend took me out to brunch before Church. It was wonderful. They care. And I know it.

I made a pretty big decision about next year. I feel comfortable with it. Not in an unhealthy and under-enthusiastic way. I feel good. I do not feel good about this year. I don’t feel good that I am apathetic towards my current classes. That is so not okay. Dang.

I may or may not be writing this while I am on the can…

On a different note: the world commemorated something pretty huge today. The reconciliation of hope to teachers and students, leaders and followers. This day is when the truth was made clear. It was when the promise made complete. It was when freedom became tangible and eternity became relevant.

This excites me. I hope it excites you!

the san francisco contemporary jewish museum

2010-04-02T15:11:00.001-07:00

hello intense.

a french jewish woman was so convicted when she read mein kampf, she began to reconcile through art. she painted and crafted over every single page. the whole book is now an exhibit. it is exceptional. it is beautiful.

a woman who is a scribe is working on writing a torah. she wasn't working because it is pesach, but we watched a video about her. she is incredible. she is strong. she is sensitive and she is passionate.

a collection of records of jewish people. from topal to babs, to dylan to twenty renditions of 'hava nagilla' and more. all on vinyl.

what a museum. something stirred in me to be a museum curator. to tell stories. to be creative with history. to be seen and unseen. to provide an avenue for artists and story-tellers, regular people who are phenomenal people.

pictures to come...

overwhelmed

2010-03-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with peace.

I went to a prayer meeting that has been getting together weekly with my new Church. I love it. I love that the people are interested. I love that the people are interesting.

I had a long talk with another believer who is also an RA. I think I have made up my mind.

I will have a place to live next year. That excites me.

I am excited that my sister is in town. I am excited that we are semi-hosting a sort-of-seder meal on Thursday night. In this very moment, I am reminded of Lord Byron's words:

"there is a pleasure in the pathless woods/ there is a rapture on the lonely shore/ there is society, where none intrudes [...]"

community is

2010-03-30T16:20:00.001-07:00

saving graces

2010-03-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

^my beautiful campus...

^early morning hair fiasco...

^ birthday present. I have always wanted one. Isn't it beautiful?

^so happy!!!

^I am fish-sitting Yoshi for a week :)

^newest edition...

^ I love it...

2010-03-29T16:54:00.001-07:00

^Past years...

I feel like a majority of my posts are rather upsetting and depressing...

Well, here goes another rant. I am spending my first Passover in my new city alone. Great isn't it. Passover is one of my favorite holidays. It is the third most important commemoration in my religion. It is the story of freedom and salvation. It is a story of social justice. Trust in Gd and in leadership. It is about people obeying and disobeying and Gd redeeming His promise. It is about inclusiveness. Passover is about community.

Last year, a certain group of people had a huge Pesach seder and I assumed that they would do that again this year. I found out that I am now uninvited, as are the rest of the young Messianic Jewish people in San Francisco. It's lame. I understand that they have specific people invited for evangelism and education. But I was under the impression that this place was a place for growth. Not exclusivity. Here is my perspective: I am more upset that I am alone, than I am that I was uninvited.

I am upset and I am depressed.

I am angry.

I am in love with someone and because I am scared of vulnerability, I haven't said anything.

I am poor. But, let's be real, I have more money that most of the world.

I have to make the job decision and I don't want to hurt people.

I have research to finish and outlines to write.

ugh. in a rut.

On a happier note: I got my second pair of TOMS shoes and my family's birthday box today!!

dichotomy

2010-03-28T21:35:00.001-07:00

To be an RA, or not to be an RA. This is one of the hardest moments of my life, that I, am fully in control of (well, sort of...) I am not even going to rehash the details, asking everyone's opinion seems to drown out my own feelings about this.

Synopsis: I got a job at my summer camp. I am stoked. I smile just thinking about it. I also got accepted as an RA for next year. However, they have a 4 week training in the summer. It is almost impossible to do both. The summer camp speaks to my emotional and spiritual needs. The RA job means saving money and being close to a very good friend. Not taking the camp means I can attend all the weddings this year. Not being an RA means living in the heart of the greatest city in the world.

I don't like this. I don't like being pressured and I don't like disappointing people.

Sometimes I wish that I could be the Dude

oops

2010-03-21T21:33:00.001-07:00

adventure!

2010-03-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

"Make Yourself At Home"
is one of the freakiest movies you will ever see.

Jimmy and I went on an adventure to San Jose (by bus, Bart, foot and caltrain...) to watch that movie for the Asian American Film Festival! We had a fabulous time together!

On the way there, I pretended to be Deaf- Jimmy is a fast learner. The girl in the green shirt with the green bike knew I wasn't Deaf because she watched us laughing down the escalator.
We almost missed our bus, but we were helped by a Transvestite (side note: we saw her three separate times that night!). On the 1/2 hour bus ride from Fremont to San Jose, four guys, one old, one young, one nerdy and one married, had a loud conversation jumping from topic to topic: Hitler, Obama, Tiger Woods, religion, personal health problems, marriage, politics, drug reference and feminism- quite the entertainment!

Our night ended with singing Musicals on tall stairs by the airport before Erin picked us up!

It was splendid. We laughed the whole time. I am so glad I am friends with him. I am so glad I am friends with the other RAs...

the future

2010-03-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

^Jimmy's shirt. It used to say SFSU AGENT FALL

homework sucks.

last week I had midterms, which went okay. Let's face it, I am not an intellectual. All my life, I have pushed myself to be one. I think that certain people will respect me more if I have Dr. before my name. So far, I have romanticized the idea of getting my Masters degree. I have so many research ideas; I get excited about these questions.

What was the level of Jewish women's activism during the suffrage movement? What place do second generation Messianic Jews have in the modern Jewish-American context? What was the Jewish community's role in the Civil Rights Movement? What organizations have Deaf people participated in, outside of the Deaf community? How have white women reconciled their push for equal rights in the midst of white supremacy around the world?

All of those questions are fascinating and have agency. I can do the research well, I just can't write about it well. I wonder what life has in store for me? All I know is being a student and life looking like a silver platter. All I know is simplicity and wealth. In all honesty, I find scholarship appealing because it puts off the real world. Getting higher education, for me, means that I will be encased in the past. Studying history is what I love and I would be doing it full time. I could put off social justice for a little longer. That responsibility scares me.

I wonder if I am going to get married? I wonder when I am going to die? I wonder how I am going to pay for all the weddings this summer? I wonder what will be said when Kim and I finally get to talk? I wonder how my training will go on Monday for the testing center's front desk? I wonder if anyone will go to my program about Passover? I wonder when Jesus will come? I wonder if I am wasting my life in school? I wonder if I truly grasp how lucky I am and how easy I have it.

But for now, Malka, you need to work on the three research papers.
-Jewish women in the Suffrage movement
-The Danse Macabre, 14th century Europe
-Jewish Divorce in the Middle ages*
*note: I want to change the last one to the nineteenth century

Wish me luck!

^ Chris and Christine Kernaghan...I took some baby-bump photos for them. They are the leaders of my city-cru Bible study on campus- they are radical!

friends and music

2010-03-13T13:57:00.001-08:00

^Sweet Natalie and Christopher sent me this fabulous playlist.

Shabbat Mix

2010-03-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

The Weepies

Tom Petty

The Shins

Bob Dylan

Stacks

Jars of Clay

Cat Power

The Kooks

Lisa Hannigan

Sufjan Stevens

Regina Spektor

Damien Rice

The Smart Brothers

Joni Mitchell

Belle & Sebastion

Alexi Murdoch

The Swell Season

polish

2010-03-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

"Let the Living never give up Hope"

a Polish saying retold by members of the Vilna Ghetto resistance during WWII.

Oscars

2010-03-07T22:55:00.000-08:00

^Kelly and I...

^the hospitality house

^myself, Sean and Ari

^Remy and I, apparently this was our prom picture from 1974...ha!

I almost cried- okay, I actually cried when Jeff Bridges and Mo'Nique won for best leading actor and best supporting actress.

I can sleep- okay, I can write my paper in peace now.

Gospel Gossip

2010-03-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

I heard there was perfection once.

Then the world became the world of war.

People believed there was a Gd who chose them to advocate for peace.

But the mediation became subjective, somewhere down the line.

So that Gd made Himself an advocate, to teach the right way to perfection.

The people thought ritual would ensue perfection.

But the advocate said it was love.

By demonstrating that love, he reversed the war-world by dying.

But a miracle happened.

Gd chose to save the people from war.

Some people live by ritual still. Some people have misunderstood the love story.

But the reality of that LOVE -> restoring perfection, is relevant.

And I have heard it from my friends.

I have experienced it for myself.

And that is why I believe that advocate is the perfecter of all things: making death into life.

Turning war into love.

And so it is...

... storms and sunshine ...

2010-03-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

Storm:

The protests are underway. The excitement we had last night {vandalizing, giant uncontrollable dance party and inebriated messes} took away from my enthusiasm for protesting today. I am irritated that there is loud music outside my window and that I won’t be able to participate in the support for my Professors’ and Lecturers’ rights.

Sunshine:

My friend’s and I had lunch together and it was so nice. We laughed a lot. One of them is being prayed for by a stranger. I am reminded to pray for all of them. We waved our hands in the air when there was an awkward moment. I lost all inhibition. I love the freedom feeling. I ate a really tasty hamburger.

march

2010-03-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

Patty Griffin
Rain

Sylvia Plath
I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.

books.

2010-03-01T13:24:00.001-08:00

As I am sitting at my desk, procrastinating, I look at my bookshelf.

I find it ironic that my two Chuck Klosterman books are siting next to my two Henri Nouwen books. Then I have four Bibles in a row (JPS Tanakh, Hebrew NT, NIV travel, NLT) and next to them is the Communist Manifesto, Steinbeck, Vonnegut, Salinger, Lauren Winner, Elie Wiesel and then another Bible.

On the bottom of the shelf I have the Holocaust Encylcopedia, Shakespeare's collected works, Poe, Rob Bell, W.E.B. Dubois, five collections of Primary sources and historical textbooks, Erica Jong and Churchill.

I like my books.

Now, off to actually write two short pages for my "voices of European women" and a research paper proposal for another history class.

ciao...

good sunday

2010-02-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

today has been one...
Reality SF is a new Church plant in my city. This morning was my first encounter with their worship. I have been avoiding it because I don't like doing things that are popular and I have already found a great little Church.

The music, the teaching, the community was fabulous. I felt at home. I felt safe to dance- I think I will next time I go. A decision that was not too difficult to make involves a monthly Church schedule. I will go to Reality SF twice a month and the other two weeks I will go to DPC and at DPC I will teach Sunday school once a month, go to youth group three weeks a month and the Reality prayer-meeting once a month. This and the women's Bible study that I have with JFJ and then another one I have with city cru- I also have an individual jb meeting with Rachelle once a week; therapy; d-lab every Monday night. 15 hours a week between my two jobs and 12 upper-division unit classes.

Can anyone say burned out?

I felt refreshed this morning. I went to the SFpubliclibrary after Church and I got my hands on a very special book that is rare (published in 1912) and significant to my research. i felt like a real, big-girl historian. I liked that feeling.

passing

2010-02-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

I realized that I have never gone in detail about my friend who died in Dec of '08.
The year of his death's anniversary I was going to write about him and post a picture. But I forgot to do that.

"Bend your knees and follow through"
^this is something that he had written on his facebook...he died from hanging.

I miss him a lot. Less so than the immediate days following, less than the 6 months, less than my missing him even the day before the year anniversary. I still shake when I think about that moment. But I will never forget him. I will never forget the things I loved about him. The things that bugged me about him. How it felt to hug him. I will never forget the phone call, where I was, who I was with. What I did. Who I called in panic. How i was angry that I wasn't crying and how I was embarrassed that I was shaking so much. How I comforted so many people around me and how little I was comforted. I am still sensitive about it. In my Holocaust and film class I still close my eyes at those scenes. I guess there is not much more to say. I feel like I keep belaboring the significance of his death in my life. It was huge. I feel that it still is. Anyway, this is us when we were working together at the Golden Spoon.

~RA~

2010-02-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I had a meeting with Sh. I thought it was going to be an interview for next year for a job in housing. She offered me a job as a Resident Assistant starting this weekend. She asked if I needed time to think before accepting it. In the four seconds I had to wonder if I needed time to decide- in those four seconds, I could see Gd working.

Today I have moved almost everything in to my new apartment. I share with one other girl whom I have yet to meet. I have my own room. My old roommates took it well. They were quite happy, actually. But it doesn't really matter, cause I am happy too. I think that Gd knows my patience. He knows my limit.

So now I have dprc, as well as this RA job. Free housing. Free food. Hard work. Responsible for over two dozen residents. I am stoked. I am shocked. I am honored. I am nervous. I am really, really happy.

tattoo

2010-02-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

I think this is going to be my birthday tattoo:

catchy title

2010-02-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

^My hand and Charlotte, taken in 2006
I found something I had written in that same year:

My plans for the future.
College: Westmont, Cal State Northridge, SDSU, Palomar???
Major: Deaf studies, Hospitality, Art, Communications???
Jobs: ASL Interpreter, Pastor, social worker???

Funny how life works out in the end...

My schedule this semester:
Voices of European Women, The Renaissance, Holocaust and Film, History 300...
9 hours a week at the DPRC...
Friday night High School Youth group, personal development with Chelle, Therapy, a women's Bible study, woman's small group, City Cru Bible study, Sunday School, Prayer meeting, Church (x2)...
Another job lined up (interview is tomorrow!).
Sleep (40 hours a week).
Friends: all day, every day.

I am just tired.

I love being a historian. But I love listening and interacting with people much more than quote, unquote researching. I am at peace I think. Listening to good music and drinking a good cup of coffee.

So I am quitting smoking for reals. Not just because of the comments my mom gives every time I see her, and not just because lent starts tomorrow, and not just because I am volunteering with HSers. Not because I am going to die fifteen years earlier than everyone else. And not because I have no money; not because most of my friends don't smoke, or when I walk past someone, they can smell it.

But it's actually all of those reasons.

wish me luck!

It's going to be very, very difficult. No person is an island. I've been telling almost everyone, so that I can be kept accountable. I think some friends are gonna go out for dinner with me to Puerto Alegre (the best Mexican food in the whole City)...that will be good, relaxing. I am excited (Erin, Ariel and possibly Casey) they are all such good people. Hmmm...My friend's in San Francisco. I am majoring in U.S. History at SFSU. I am going out to buy an ink cartridge for my printer tomorrow. I have a job proctoring tests. I volunteer my time. I am conquering an addiction.

Funny how life works out in the end.

^ my friend Jovi painted this...

Dear Blog...

2010-02-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,
It has been so long! How have you been holding up? I hear that Google is coming out with some new software or something- should be interesting!

I have been well. I have been making some great musical playlists as of recent. Music has been tangible to me lately. Especially Bob Dylan, Eddie Vedder, Damien Rice and James Taylor. I spent early last week with a dear family friend named Josh. He is in a band called Boomsnake and they toured the west coast. He is such a great man. I felt very special hanging out with him and his fellow band-mates.

School has begun and what a fabulous schedule I have this year! All history classes. I love it. Something about history makes me smile. It is life-giving to me. My history-mentor, Devin and I have been emailing back and forth about history and life. It excites me to think about grad school and the future. It also excites me to be studying what I love now.

This weekend, I got to see three of my besties. Sarah was in town from Washington D.C. She is such an exquisite vision of the Lrd's goodness. She listens well. Then I got to spend a day and half with Natalie and Topher. They are gems. We had a very good and intense time together. It was really beautiful to experience community with them. Our conversations were about scrabble, food, boundaries, sincerity, psychology, communication and love. I love them deeply. And I feel loved by them deeply.

Today I had therapy and two Bible studies. The first Bible study just started tonight and is being lead by Rachelle. It is a girls study over the book Captivating. I think it will be a good one. It dawned on me that Rachelle lead a girls group when I was in HS...She has a real gift of leading women closer to Gd's heart.

I have been spending my time with really good people. Thanks for listening. Sorry again for being so lame about updating you on life.

Shalom Shalom...

rain playlist

2010-01-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

Sara...Fleetwood Mac
These Days...Nico
Fire and Rain...James Taylor
So Far Away...Carol King
Goodmorning...William Fitzsimmons
The Wind...Cat Stevens
Buy the Mark...Gillian Welch
Carolina in My Mind...James Taylor
Jesus, etc...Wilco
Come on in my Kitchen...Crooked Still
Songbird...Fleetwood Mac
Stephanie Says...Velvet Underground
Yer So Bad...Tom Petty
Sundress...Ben Kweller
Blue Ridge Mts...Fleet Foxes
Solitaire...Wilco

the kingdom

2010-01-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

Leaving Church this morning, it was pouring rain. I had fifteen minutes to make it to the muni station before my pass timed out. I was about to open my umbrella when I ran into a girl and her mother who I have seen for the last few months in the Church. They asked where I was going and then offered to give me a ride. When I interjected, they all insisted. I met the dad and as it turns out their son was at the youth group I went to Friday night. They were so generous and invited me for dinner this week. I am so blessed by their kindness. I love when the body works, like actually works. Amen.

beautiful child

2010-01-15T23:40:00.000-08:00

^song by Fleetwood Mac. This song means so much.

Dude- Songbird by them is really good too. Sometimes there is an artist that you resonate with. I feel like Stevie Nicks and I would not get along. But I know that I would seek her approval and our lives would have too much in common.

I saw Avatar today. Really wonderful.

Tonight was my first night with HS youth group at my Church. I loved it. There was a q and a with the kids: everything from favorite color to siblings, to books and finally is your family Messianic...

I've spent too much time at Craig's Place. It's my favorite new deli. And not because of the name, though it makes me smile quite wide actually.

Sometimes I read too much into things.

Spent time with two girls from my Bible study in the city today. They are my friends. Funny how friends fade in and out of importance and relevance. I see so many potentials and yet, it was these two random girls that I have spent the most time with in the last 6 months. They are kind and funny. Beautiful and generous. We talk about Yeshua, movies, boys, food, etc...

Good night San Francisco.

quote of the day

2010-01-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

Sitting at Cafe Trieste on Market, downtown San Francisco. A little overcast, with a slight breeze. Elyse looks lovely in a muted, but expensive looking scarf and Remy is sitting comfortably in an orange shirt and a boys beige cardigan. We're sitting outside- I have a coffee and they are sipping san pelligrino. We each buy a homeless poetry newspaper from a woman named Regina. Our conversation takes us from movies to tattoos; we also discussed Messianic Jewish identities. When Rem shared some very insightful ideas about what it means to have a Jewish identity within the context of Yeshua, all that came to me was this:

"Those are really...deep thoughts."

...

oh life to be short lived

2010-01-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

oh death, what can I give?

...

I am sitting in my living room with two friends from SD. They have stayed over the last couple of days to finish their road trip from Oregon. Kate just shared that she thinks I am "worldly". I know she means well. From the "Christian" perspective, that is a negative thing. Be in the world, not of it. But from Kate's eyes, I know she is giving me the biggest compliment she can give. I accept it.

My Aunt called me a couple days ago, crying. I love her. She is in need of tea and hugs. I shared with her a poem by T S Eliot

We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise.
In my end is my beginning

It's interesting looking at the span of one's life and seeing the learning moments. Whats more than just looking at your own timeline is actually loving it too. I think it's important to be present to your life. Seeing a therapist when you need an emotional boost. sharing coffee with a friend who needs to communicate with their eyes. looking at a mistake and sighing with little hint of remorse. Telling a friend that they have a problem. Telling a friend that you reject their insecurities. Having magnificent conversations with your parents after years of turmoil. Sitting across the couch from a trusted individual and engaging in a life-giving dialogue.

Dancing with the Savior you've known since you were a child.

It's a beautiful life.

I get so sentimental and emotional past 12pm. It's a problem :)

^friend Jared...the bird whisperer :)

one year ago

2010-01-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

One year ago I wrote this poem on a napkin while I waited for my friend, H.

I wonder about the inspired flaws
I grapple with defeat,
and "I'm dissapointed with the King",
caught up in her own inspiration,
she claws at beauty's neck,
love sits idly by her,
and she knows him not yet

January 6, 2009

first love

2010-01-09T00:08:00.001-08:00

My favorite song by Bob Dylan is:

Girl From the North Country

It's on the "Freewheelin" album. I'll never forget the first time I heard this tune. I might have cried a little. I felt honey in my tears. "in the darkness of my night, in the brightness of my day." It haunted me. The sound is raw and honest and fragrant and lovely and real and soft. When it ends, I wish that it hadn't, so I keep it on repeat. That song is number 4 on my CD and number 4 skips. My dream is to hear it on vinyl. I am having a love affair with this song. "for that's the way I remember her best."

The first time I fell in love was when I was 12 years old.

We were standing in the Synagogue courtyard. It was springtime.

That first love brings butterflies to my heart. Waiting, thereafter, to see when he would show up. The eagerness to help clean and participate because that was when he would notice me. One mention that my hair smelled (and I quote) "really pretty" still has me hooked on Herbal Essence shampoo. As we grew older, our interactions were less often, but nonetheless meaningful to me. He understood me. We would (and still do sometimes) finish each others sentences. People used to tease me about it, because unbeknown to me, everyone knew I loved him.

Bob Dylan may have written better music, and there might be someone better for me yet- but my first loves will always have a special place in my heart.

kimmy

2010-01-05T23:08:00.000-08:00

Every time I sit down with Kim the hard questions, the kind eyes, and the coffee smell makes me think of home. Kim and I spent five whole hours together. In one spot. This is such a huge deal...We laughed, I cried, we talked about boys and Gd. Five hours and six years. I'd say she is one of my best friends. Been through it with me and ever the lovely...

2010 is even.

2010-01-02T23:46:00.000-08:00

it's late and am tired and a little sickie:

amazing Christmas with beautiful people.

feel distanced and destroyed by someone i thought was a real friend.

drove 5 1/2 hours of road trip to SD in the middle of the night.

applied to Forest Home.

radical conference, filled with worship and renewal.

someone said that I need to find my own dance before Gd.

I danced the last night of worship (someone told me it was a piece of heaven)

amazing talks with my parents.

brother is cool.

need to see Lauren.

date with Kim.

multiple friends are engaged. one in particular i am sad about. others i rejoice.

feeling really settled about future.

i've decided i don't hate san diego as much I said I would.

I've also decided that I am going to go the academic route.

it's what I fear, and it's what i need to do.

I spent time with the remigios and remy and it was wonderful.

i am at peace.

merry day of Jesus' birth

2009-12-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

^the best way to spend christmas...with the best friends I could have.

it's that time again

2009-12-25T00:46:00.000-08:00

If I gave christmas letters than I would put this picture to describe my christmas.

merry christmas

Playlist: Joni Mitchell and The Shins.

I spent the day with M and N. They are kindreds.

N is M's new b-friend and I love them so much.

We spent the night sipping on wine and playing cards. And I am really glad they are with me. I feel very down. Not with them, obviously. They're bringing me up.

I think of Rory and I feel sad.

I think of community and how it has changed.

I think about Jesus and how I have dissapointed and how I have grown.

I think about Death Cab for Cutie because I will follow you into the dark just came on my shuffle.

Let's be real. I am angry at some people. I am surprised by some people.

Story: N, M and I are playing cards and listening to music and N plays a song that was not really congruent with the music that M and I had been playing (70s and now hippy and indie music)...Anyway, M and I started laughing hysterically. N felt really dissapointed and got sad because he thought we were rejecting him. N was super passive about the whole thing, but we knew something was wrong. Finally, I left the room, cause I knew that N would tell M what was wrong. He told her. Then she told me. Then we all talked about it. M and I apologized for being inconsiderate. N had a hard time forgiving us, because he said usually he was in the wrong. We continued to have a really good night.

That is community. Sharing the uncomfortable stuff. It's interesting to me that I have friends who are physically near to me, who haven't bothered to contact me. That's cool.

The "real" friends, I am learning, are the ones who are around.

In presence. In heart.

Perhaps I have been neglectful to some people recently. It's my responsibility to offer my apology and my love through time.

I offer a thought.

I hate being neglected. It hurts me, deeply. So I need to remember to not to neglect the people I love. I need to remember not to hate those who neglect me. Even though it hurts. Tears drop for the ones whom I wish cared. Gd can worry about them.

Jesus was "born" today. What was Jesus about? He was about love and forgiveness. He was about going to the hurting and the needy and healing them and fulfilling those needs. Sometimes it looked like giving a blind person his sight. Sometimes it looked like overturning the Temple and giving it back to an original place. Other times it looked like providing rest.

I support that.

I am still angry. I am still surprised. I still chose to look to a better example than myself for loving the environment.

i'm home.

2009-12-20T15:46:00.001-08:00

since I've been in San Diego:

Wednesday was Rory's day. I spent the morning with Lauren R. Then had coffee with Charlotte. We met at my Starbucks. Then we went to the Church and spent time with Jeremy, Kim, Daniel and Kyle. Then dinner with some people. Advent. Then Lauren, Nathan and hookah. I was overwhelmed.

Thursday I got my sixth tattoo with Michael.We visited Lauren. It was just good. Then I had coffee with Allison. Then Hanukkah dinner with my family, the Eritreans and the Crespins. It was good.

Friday was college group. It was Natalie and Christopher day. Beach. Then DSPS white elephant Christmas party. That was stressful, but also home. Everyone looks great. Finished the night out with more of Nat and Toph.

Saturday went shopping with Ema. My parents are so kind and gave me amazing gifts this year. Aaron Kasdan graduated, with a BA in Biblical Studies from Biola (suma cum laude)... I am so proud of him. Aaron is a special friend. It was really good to see some of the messianic family.

Listening to Paul Simon's Soft Parachutes.

old things

2009-12-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

at this very moment I am procrastinating from two papers and studying for a test that will be held tomorrow 8am. i am also reading old posts, posts that I wrote before I moved to san francisco. it's been four months since i have spent any decent time in san diego. i wonder what will happen on wednesday.

lauren is picking me up from the airport. i want to cry when i see her.

wednesday is the day of rory's death. it's been a year.

i am not sure if i will cry that day.

i KNOW that i will feel overwhelmed.

this semester has been the hardest of my life, i think. i don't know. i just know that i feel very distanced from myself. like i am on autopilot.

i had so many expectations for san francisco. a lot of them came true. which is a good thing, i think. but most of them i would say turned out very different. some are very lachrymose. others are friendships. some are stressful. others are peace.

i am scared that i will go to san diego and either feel no emotion, or all of my homesickness will encapsulate everything and i won't want to leave it again.

no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.
no expectations malka.

2009-12-13T00:10:00.000-08:00

Greg Laswell
"This Woman's Work"

I dig his music.

Good night, wind and rain, don't come back tomorrow, cause I have to walk to church.

Picture for the mood I'm in:

it's raining

2009-12-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I made a mix of my favorite coffee shop people. I call certain musicians by that name because when I first started to develop my own music taste, all the people I was drawn to were performing in cafe's all over the world.

It's raining really hard today.

In the last twenty minutes, I probably gave myself a hernia. School administration is an incredible and incredibly terrible thing. I wanted to make sure that my 'change of major' had processed in the registrar's office. The lady behind the desk said that she didn't see it. When did it happen? A week ago.

She gave me Christopher's number. He is the 'guy' who deals with problems. I called him every half hour for two hours. Finally, he was in the office and picked up the phone.

"Hi, my name is Malka and I am a student here at SFSU. I tried to change my major a week ago, but the registrar's office says that it hasn't changed. My pre-reg is in an hour and I don't know what to do." -pause to hold back tears.
"It's okay Malka, we'll try to figure this out. Give me your student I.D. and I'll call you back, but I can't promise you anything."

Twenty minutes later he left a message (I was peeing) and it went something like this:
"umm...your message machine is awesome. Okay, I found your paperwork and went ahead and changed your major- so you are all set. Have a good weekend."

Having worked in the College system, I have an idea of who this guy is. The kind of paperwork he had to go through to find mine, the kind of people he works with. I am so thankful that he made my life better just now.

That was a tangent.

So my music playlist:
Joshua Radin
Greg Laswell
Ingrid Michaelson
William Fitzsimmons
Priscilla Ahn
Molly Jenson
Rosie Golan
...

It's dark and rainy outside. The music is perfect.
I feel really good.

a better day

2009-12-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

I love when unplanned laughter occurs.

Last night, after I posted my last blog, my neighbors came to visit me in the lounge. Garrett is leaving soon. Casey's hair looks really good. Andrew was in a giggly mood. And then our RA, Erin, came by and we laughed and laughed until 2 in the morning.

Erin and I have gotten really close and I love it! She is so funny and so easy. You know that friend that is not phased by much? That is her.

Now, only a few more pages of my paper. When it's over I think I might sleep as a celebration.

life

2009-12-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

I have been horrible for not posting in so long.

Changed my major! American History, here I come...(minor: Jewish studies)

Dinner with friends, played catch phrase (enter feelings of stupidity because I am not fast enough and lost more points than gained), got a card with the word: Noose. I skipped it and then got yelled at by teammates. I was not in the mood to explain to them that my friend died by hanging and I am really sensitive and sad about it. Especially because they already knew it and don't care enough to remember. Also his birthday was on Wed.

Writing a paper about Jewish law regarding marriage and divorce in Late Antiquity and the Middle Ages. It is a problem and I hate doing it. 6 more pages.

That's all I feel like writing right now.

my sister

2009-11-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

My sister and I have lived a long time together. We always argue and we always laugh really hard. I love her. We don't believe in many of the same things, but we believe in love. Her voice to me is sweet and loving her has been one of the most beautiful things I could ever experience.

S

2009-11-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

I am sitting on the floor in my living room, completely alone. There are about five or six people in my entire building. My roommates left for home for Thanksgiving this morning.

I have Judy Garland playing on the record player.

The sun is going down.

I just opened my email and got a message from an ex, S. It is the ninth or tenth in the thread of back and forth messages that have gone on over the last few months. He is getting married at the end of this week. S and I have been in and out of each others lives for the last three years and it is nice to catch up. I know what you might be thinking though: "Malka, not smart. You are talking with an EXboyfriend a few days before he gets married???"

Have no worries. They are innocent emails that go something like this:

me: can I have the cd with the song that you wrote for me?
S: sure. How is life?
me: it's good, I am living in SF. How are you? thanks S!
S: wow, I hadn't realized you moved! I am well, getting married.
me: shock.
S: yeah, and almost everyone else whom we were mutual friends with is also married or halfway there. Gd is good.
me: shock.
S: but you're sure your good? I am sorry for being a jerk.
me: yeah, you were pretty jerky. mazel tov.
S: thanks Malka, I knew I could count on you to understand. Gd is good.

It's funny how there has been SO much that has happened in my life: relationships, death, school, depression, joy, family stuff, friend stuff, etc... and I still go back to that stomach churning feeling whenever I see that I get a message from him. It;s not just S though. It's J, A, K, D and T. It's all the men that I love. All the men that I cannot have. All the men that Gd is not, as it appears, is not leading me too.

I burned so many hearts, and so many have burned mine, that I have lost the touch. I hear of people hearing a voice in them that says, "this is the person you're going to marry" and I hear that with every other guy who has a beard!

I just talked to a dear friend on the phone who is having her own boy depressions. Hers is more significant than mine, on a grand scale. But she gave a message of hope, I think she was telling it to herself as much as me, that instead of putting hope in men and guy's actions, our hope should rest in Yeshua. After all, I believe that he is in control and has my life known to him, so why not just relax and be honest and when things come up, just chill out and love.

If S taught me anything, it's that I need to be more careful with my trust.

I suppose that's not bad. I am grateful for him. I am also glad that I can say that I am still on good terms with everyone I have ever gotten to know deeply. S is one of those "deeps"...

and so it is...

^ S and me in a better time

a playlist

2009-11-21T12:39:00.001-08:00

I've made some new friends and I have just finished making them a mix of songs that have either been with me a long time, or have touched my soul as of recent months.
Kyle and Christine are lovers of the same Gd and live just across a four foot "street" on campus. Besides Gd, they are lovers of laughter and joy. They give encouragement where it is needed. They are young in age, but not in spirit I am sure!

Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
A Rose for Emily by The Zombies
Missed the Boat by Modest Mouse
There is a Light that Never Goes Out by The Smiths
Vapour Trail by Ride
Pink Bullets by the Shins
People C'mon by Delta Spirit
Boy With the Arab Strap by Belle and Sebastian
Yoshima by the Flaming Lips
Angel Gabriel by Among the Oak and Ash
America by Simon and Garfunkel
Girl from the North Country by Bob Dylan
Go Places by the New Pornographers
Wildflowers by Tom Petty
The House of Gd Forever by Jon Foreman
Like A Prayer by Madonna

Music is so real.
I love listening to mixes like this on my ipod, when I am lying down somewhere that is quiet and vacant. This mix is an hour and five minutes. And I think it's worth at least that much to just lie there and fall into the sound and be free.

If you don't know these songs, you should listen to them- but ONLY if you really, truly listen to it. I am going to give Kyle and Christine one rule: the first time they listen to these tracks, they have to really listen and to it all in one sitting.

Shabbat Shalom!

baking tips

2009-11-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

I made cookies yesterday for the Bible study I attend.

Actually, let me rewind to the third grade. My sister and I were attempting to make our first batch of cookies. We put the butter in a plastic bowl and then realized it had to be softened. We put the plastic bowl over the stove. Needless to say it caught on fire and we turned around just in time to...well I don't exactly remember what happened, but our house didn't burn down and we didn't finish making cookies.

Sixth grade my friend Emily and I were baking cookies while her mom took a nap. We forgot to add any sugar in and her mom got mad at us for wasting all the ingredients for nothing (the cookies were disgusting).

High School my sister and I were home alone one day- it was probably a Thursday because that's when our mom was at work and our brother with the neighbors- we decided to bake cookies, As The World Turns was on and it was midday. By the time we had everything ready, we hadn't yet preheated the oven. So we decided to screw it and just ate the cookie dough raw for the rest of our soap opera marathon.

So yesterday I am baking cookies with my Golden Spoon apron and my non-matching pans and bowls. Everything was going great, until I realized that the cookies (how can you NOT have a few cookies worth??) were rather sweet. I went back and read the directions and again and pieced my actions. I added 1 cup of brown sugar and 1 cup of granulated sugar. The directions say to use half a cup for both. oops.

My cookies taste good if you heat them in the toaster oven for about five minutes. They're flat and sweet. oh well. Maybe one day I will figure out how to make cookies, but until then it is an adventure perhaps.

catch up

2009-11-13T15:49:00.000-08:00

so much time has passed!

I saw my generations teen pop idol's Hanson perform on the Quad at my school and was a few minutes late to my class because of it.

^Taylor Hanson

My roommates and I had a family meeting, then we had another family meeting with our RA, who has become a friend and nothing has changed. They are still inconsiderate, I am still lame and we are still a passive aggressive house.

I cut and died my hair.

I took and passed the JEPET exam. It is a silly English exam that you have to take when you are in upper division and 83% of students usually fail it. A huge weight off my shoulders.

I went on a spiritual retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ, or preferably known as City Cru. I made incredible connections with almost a dozen people. They are gems. Gd has been loud in giving me community when I most need it. It's amazing because we have such similar tastes in our humor, our music, our lives. We had four hours of silence and solitude on a furlough day on campus and it was beautiful.

^Nick, Kyle and Lewis

Last night, with one of the city cru girls, Kelly, we saw A Fine Frenzy, It was magnificent. I haven't been to a concert in such a long time and the time was refreshing. I think there should be a rule that musicians are not allowed to make eye contact with the audience. Because there are those 48 seconds that you're eyes are locked and he or she is singing a song to you and you fall in love. And the stomach love feeling stays with you for almost 24 hours and it's not fair.

^Ali from A Fine Frenzy

school is good. this month is crazy for me. I look forward to Seattle for Thanksgiving. It kind of freaks me out that I have less than a month of school left.
History, Jewish Studies: conflict is still on my mind.
My Charlotte is coming into town and I am ridiculously excited! We have plans to see Twelfth Night performed by the creative arts college in SFSU.
Until then:

Shabbat Shalom!

change of plan ?

2009-11-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

I am so over my major.

Isn't this horrible? When does what I want and what I do intertwine? At least once a week I want to change my major or drop out of college.

ex: today during lecture, we were discussing Zionism and how it really came into fruition during the enlightenment period ie the French revolution. I noticed that my interest and attention peaked during the European history and when the lecture moved back towards Jews in eastern Europe I became extremely bored.

I know this is small and just one example of distraction, however I think this is a pointer to the fact that I am interested in history. Every history class I have ever taken has been a pleasure to take. I have always loved history. I love the art, I love the letters and the speeches, the wars and the peace. I love the conversations and the pictures, the boats and the castles, the marriages and deaths. I love it all.

I loved sign language, I loved women's studies, I even loved biology more than I am loving Jewish studies!!

What's going on????

I don't get it. I will finish my degree, but with what degree is the question.

I do not like this back and forth unsettling thought process.

I suppose I have the next topic for my shrink on Monday.

:)

missing faith family

2009-10-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

I miss my home Church in san diego. If you have never belonged to a small church that has made a huge difference in the community is surrounds, then I am sorry. Because I have seen first hand how beautiful community can be.

I was just looking through the pictures of Trunk or Treat that went on today.
Every single face was familiar and had a story. I had a personal connection with everyone there and I miss that. And whats more, they were all working together. They, we, understand what goes into community is the grace that Gd provides; what comes out is the good that Gd has made. And I see that in them.

I am so jealous I wasn't there tonight. But I got to help out at the church I have been attending's little halloween thing for the kids. It was fun and I was able to meet some really good people. I am probably going to begin helping out with the youth group- I am SO excited about that. Finally, to make some friendships happen.

community is warmth.

the picture below is of my mentors, Kim and Daniel and their husband and wife and Kim's wonderful sister. They are so funny. I love everything about them.

sometimes it takes a friend

2009-10-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

like Sarah. She is an angel. We met on Massah, the mission trip I was on summer of 2008. We've kept in constant touch through the last year and half and currently she is serving with Jews for Jesus and is in Thailand.
I just spent the last hour talking to her though instant messenger. She majored in counseling and is good at it. She always gets me to talk and she listens so well.
So I kvetched about all the problems in the world, which of course, have everything to do with me, me, me. She listened and said that I need to remember forgiveness. Just like admit I am wrong, but know I rest in the forgiveness of Gd. I too must care for my people as they are in the same Kingdom.
I love it. I am calm. Thanks Sarah.